Archive for January, 2005

Coffee Spew & The Mormons

Sometimes I wonder if I’m living a Seinfeld episode. I really do. I’m not sure, in fact, that there isn’t a movie camera following me around. Could it really be that I am the star of my very own Truman Show?

First of all, I just spent three days in New York City for work. Three. Whole. Days. Not as glamorous as it sounds – at least as glamorous as I would have thought it was when I was much, much younger. Instead, business travel is about as exciting as a dentist appointment. In fact, the latter is more relaxing.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a big fan of Dooce. The downside of this, of course, is that Her Dooceness is a “scrappy ex-Mormon” with sidesplittingly funny recounts of her days at Brigham Young University and the Mormon ways with hysterical, irreverent brush strokes of cult-like terror and humor that has officially made me Afraid of Mormons. It’s probably the first irrational prejudice I’ve ever had, and I have one woman to blame for it.

Back to the Big Apple. I’m at this tradeshow, talking to some sales reps I’d never met in person in that awkward, miserable way that you talk to overly social former frat boys who wear the Uniform of khakis and hats backwards. Still. I think I used the word ‘fuck’ in copious amounts and teased one of them about a deliverable he owed me repeatedly. He looked strangely heartbroken, and was nothing but apologetic and polite about his missed deadline. I felt AWFUL, and practically ate an entire plate of crow-flavored shit for dinner.

A little later, I encountered him again as he was discussing with a group of equally eerily polite and non-swearing people who also work at my company, and who also were Too Polite for swearing, Northeastern me, when suddenly, Out It Comes.

“So, I’m bringing on board another BYU alum! Whoo HOO!”

Shortly followed by:

“More Mormons! The company needs more Mormons!”At this point, they all – I’m not kidding – high-fived. They weren’t kidding. They were all Mormon BYU alums who were trying to recruit others to join the sales team. I felt, somehow, that I was about to be on TV or the movies, but no IT WAS REALLY HAPPENING.

On a different note, today, for the first time, I honestly spewed coffee. You read about people almost spitting out their drinks – it’s a euphamism for being amused, “I spewed my monitor reading that!” But of course, no one ACTUALLY DOES IT. I did it. My office mate said something to make me laugh, and I spewed. All. Over. The. Office. I had a flash of a moment where I honestly thought I would drown. Big, wheezing breaths. Terrified of dying. Of coffee inhalation.

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