Granola to Sherbet.

February 10th, 2005

Just call me a sell out. Yes, that’s right, I’ve sold out and bought a TOWN HOUSE. It’s in the kind of neighborhood I used to call an Ant Farm – you know what I’m talking about. It’s the kind of thing that old people talk about in the grocery stores, “Tawmmy, did ja see that new development theah buildin’ over neah the Squwiiah club? My gawd, it’s an eyesoahh.”

That’s right ladies and gents – that eyesoah is now my future home.

It’s beautiful, yes. Lots of interior space. But by god, it’s a townhouse. In a development. I have become a Stepford Wife. It will be a matter of time before I start wearing pale pink sweater sets and pearls, and start whipping up grape jelly pie and potatoes au gratin from a box. I’ve got pearls around here somewhere…

Gross. I’m embarrassed for myself. And I’m starting to wonder what alien life form has taken over my body. I used to be a hip New Englander who had funky ear piercings and dreamed of more tattoos. I was kind of cool.

Lilly Pulitzer, here I come! Next thing you know I’ll be decked out in prints. PRINTS! Print shorts, skirts and dresses in sherbet colors! People from all over the world will stop to stare at the SHERBET WOMAN! Look, little Johnny, do you think she’s edible? Kids will be licking my lemon sorbet-clad legs, and then what will I do?!

Gawd. But it has a pool, and lots of personal space and a big lanai, which leads me to my next rant, which is – why the fuck don’t they just say PORCH like NORMAL PEOPLE?! It’s so Golden Girls, it makes me sick to my stomach. I loved Dorothy, but I don’t want to BE HER. The porch/lanai overlooks a lake – need I add that it’s man-made?- and is screened in. Oh, the lizards Cappy will catch! Lizards and bugs! And chasing! The chasing of the lizards!

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