Bbbbbabylust!!!!

March 22nd, 2005

Lately I’ve fallen victim to a shocking phenomenon that both thrills and terrifies me at the same time – an obsession with Other People’s Children. If there is a baby within a 5 mile radius, and I can hear it, I will get up out of my seat and hunt it down like a heat-seeking missile. I’m COOING at strangers babies and staring at them with an intensity that would make even the most desperate B-celebrity think I was a stalking psycho. Mothers are going to start hiding their children from me out of fear that I will take their infants and stuff them in my purse, heading for my car, cackling all the way.

It is a justified fear.

I guess this is what a biological clock sounds like. Oh. My. God. I think it’s scaring Adam a little bit, and I hardly blame him. Aside from the obvious implications and terrifying prospect of having a wife who officially Wants A Baby, there is the practical consideration of having to rein me in constantly. Leave me to my own devices, and I’m approaching strangers while they’re having dinner with such coherent statements like, “Hi! How old is your daughter oops I guess I mean he’s a boy sorry about that and how is he sleeping and is parenthood really that good and are you glad you did it?”

I get all nervous and jerky, like I’m in junior high and I’m asking a boy out on a date. It’s ridiculous.

It’s just that I’m scared and excited and completely spooked. AND I NEED INFORMATION FROM ANYONE WHO WILL GIVE IT.

And I think about how it would change my relationship and it wouldn’t be just me and Adam anymore. And there’d be no more late mornings sleeping in, no more languid breakfasts at 3 p.m. spent at high-class joints like Applebees, no more movie night, impromptu day trips and vacations to random, childless places.

But then I see him in moments like I’m seeing right now – seeing him talk to our cat – OUR CAT – in a soft voice, watching him throw the ball and encourage him (yes, I know I’M TALKING ABOUT A CAT) to fetch it and bring it back and scoop him up and talk to him sweetly, I imagine that little black and white tussle of fur is an ACTUAL PERSON and my heart breaks into a million pieces.

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