Mysteries of the Bathroom Universe

I cannot speak intelligently to men’s bathroom behaviors, but it’s no secret that women’s bathroom etiquette and general cleanliness is on par with the foulest of subway stations. I can handle a little mess and the stray poop in the toilet. Shit happens. We all have our moments. However, there are several phenomena that never cease to mystify me:

1) The Stray Pubic Hair. Like a plucked leg of a daddy long legger, it sits on the toilet seat, twitching in the wind, waiting for some poor, unsuspecting soul to cause enough upwind to blow it into a secret, less horrifying place. Where does it come from? Who is its owner? Is it lonely?

2) The Projectile Poop. You know what I’m talking about. How. Does. This. Happen.

3) The Hand Rinsers. People, as I’ve said, many times – this does nothing. It spreads the germs around your hands. You now have wet germs. Congratulations.

4) Camouflage Noise. If you are blowing your nose, frantically pulling at the toilet paper, or coughing, we know you’re pooping. Have you ever read ‘Everybody Poops?’ The title says it all. Everybody poops.

5) The Fake Handwashers. These people only wash their hands when other people are around, and I understand they are a legion.

6) Pee Fright. Shy Kidney. Whatever. Did you read ‘Everybody Poops?’ Guess what? Everybody pees, too.

7) Cleaning people who do not wash their hands after using the facilities – right in front of me. You. The chick I saw in the Lo Mein Bathroom. I know it was you. I saw you. Did you think you could sneak out? And then, to make matters worse, you peed, exited, and went straight to my office to ‘clean’ it with your Pee-Infested Hands. You spread Pee Molecules everywhere. I am not pleased.

1 comment March 26th, 2005