Gimme a P! Gimme an M! GIMME AN S!!

Today went something like this:

Wake up, late as usual. Stare at alarm clock in horror. Turn it off. Smack head down on pillow. Fall asleep without net, aka alarm clock, and wake up full hour later, frantic. Run out of bed. Fall down as got up too quickly to allow legs to function.

Stumble into shower. Collapse on floor shower, exhausted. Wake up only when freezing cold water jolts self awake from hot water running out. Clean self in freezing water.

Slap make up on face. Flee. Drive. Get stuck behind large bus at traffic light. Wait through two cycles. Honk furiously. Honk furiously. Honk furiously. Scream at bus. Wait for bus to move. Scream more. Honk. Watch line of cars form behind car. Honk. Realize bus is pulled over on the side of the road, not actually in traffic. Feel hot sting of humilation as cars drive around own car, screaming, honking and waving middle fingers. Well up at own idiocy.

Arrive at work. Push papers. Read email about coworker having baby. Cry uncontrollably at joy of miracle of birth.

Push more papers. Have conference call. On conference call, boss does not say thank you. Determine boss is selfish, unfeeling asshole who does not appreciate hard work and wants to fire self. Throw papers. Get angry. Consider quitting on the spot. Start to dial phone to go off on boss…ooh…find banana in purse. Eat banana, distracting self from career suicide.

Push more papers. Get another call from boss. Boss sounds friendly and says, “Thanks,” at close of call. Weep at kindness of boss and benevolence of universe.

Have lunch with husband, who looks cute today. Get choked up at adorable sight of him. Become overwhelmed with love and hug him in public. Order lunch. Waiter brings wrong salad. Throw fit. Blame husband for all that is wrong with the world.

Return to work. Push more papers. Computer crashes. Lose control. Excuse self to bathroom and sob, furiously pulling toilet paper to muffle tears. Make microwave popcorn to console self. Burn the shit out of said popcorn, stinking up entire office. Slink back to own office, avoiding curious coworkers popping out of offices like prairie dogs in commercial asking, “Is that popcorn? Who burned it? GROSS!”

Hide evidence of burnt popcorn in Lo Mein Bathroom.

Leave to go home. Manage to avoid tears in car. Eat large dinner with large amounts of ketchup and salt. Crave and obtain ice cream. Inhale.

Watch Survivor. Cry uncontrollably at joy of winners of reward challenge who suffer so. Cry again at unfairness of immunity challenge.

Pray for period.

5 comments April 1st, 2005