In Which I Am a Terrible Person

Today, I am wearing pants that are A FULL SIZE SMALLER than I was before. Huzzah. All those lonely nights staring at chocolate ice cream in utter longing and torture is finally paying off. However, in my elation, I noticed earlier that something was amiss. Why don’t the pants FEEL RIGHT? They fit well – loose, even. If I wanted to, I could fit my whole arm down there and scratch my hoo-ha without cutting off my circulation. So WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

I’ll tell you what the problem is. I haven’t bought new, updated pants in this size yet, and these skinny pants were purchased before the Low Rise Revolution and come up somewhere in the range of the middle of my ribcage. With a little effort, I could wear these pants as a strapless jumpsuit. Tomorrow, I might just do that. With an open cardigan. You know, in case my shoulders get cold.

It was on my way to the bathroom that I made this discovery, and while examining the location of my pants on my ass (OH MY GOD, my ass. I had that horrible Eighties Butt – you know, the kind that is extended beyond all sense of reason by the sheer fact that the PANTS COME UP TO MY NECK?), I opened the bathroom door with a little too much force and heard a loud CLONK!.

As in, that CLONK! was the door hitting the face of the person on the other side of it. I HIT HER FACE WITH THE DOOR. Hard. I mean, I was cruising. Seeing as it’s a door that opens to the inside, it seems to me that she should have had a little more sense than to be standing in the path of the door idly drying her hands, but hey, it was her face at risk. Forehead, actually.

There was yelping involved. Ice followed. But the thing is, I couldn’t really apologize with a whole lot of heart. I was too busy laughing. I know, I know, I know. But it was SO STUPIDLY FUNNY. I mean, I took her out with that door. While examining my ass.

I saw her on my way out tonight. She has a lump on her forehead the size of an egg and was toting an ice pack.

I KNOW, okay? Random Office Lady, I’m SORRY! I have my period and a crappy job and it’s COLD here in early June and I need the laughs where I can get them.

I’m blaming the pants. I think they need to take some responsibility here.

22 comments June 1st, 2005