In Which I Am a Terrible Person
June 1st, 2005
Today, I am wearing pants that are A FULL SIZE SMALLER than I was before. Huzzah. All those lonely nights staring at chocolate ice cream in utter longing and torture is finally paying off. However, in my elation, I noticed earlier that something was amiss. Why don’t the pants FEEL RIGHT? They fit well – loose, even. If I wanted to, I could fit my whole arm down there and scratch my hoo-ha without cutting off my circulation. So WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
I’ll tell you what the problem is. I haven’t bought new, updated pants in this size yet, and these skinny pants were purchased before the Low Rise Revolution and come up somewhere in the range of the middle of my ribcage. With a little effort, I could wear these pants as a strapless jumpsuit. Tomorrow, I might just do that. With an open cardigan. You know, in case my shoulders get cold.
It was on my way to the bathroom that I made this discovery, and while examining the location of my pants on my ass (OH MY GOD, my ass. I had that horrible Eighties Butt – you know, the kind that is extended beyond all sense of reason by the sheer fact that the PANTS COME UP TO MY NECK?), I opened the bathroom door with a little too much force and heard a loud CLONK!.
As in, that CLONK! was the door hitting the face of the person on the other side of it. I HIT HER FACE WITH THE DOOR. Hard. I mean, I was cruising. Seeing as it’s a door that opens to the inside, it seems to me that she should have had a little more sense than to be standing in the path of the door idly drying her hands, but hey, it was her face at risk. Forehead, actually.
There was yelping involved. Ice followed. But the thing is, I couldn’t really apologize with a whole lot of heart. I was too busy laughing. I know, I know, I know. But it was SO STUPIDLY FUNNY. I mean, I took her out with that door. While examining my ass.
I saw her on my way out tonight. She has a lump on her forehead the size of an egg and was toting an ice pack.
I KNOW, okay? Random Office Lady, I’m SORRY! I have my period and a crappy job and it’s COLD here in early June and I need the laughs where I can get them.
I’m blaming the pants. I think they need to take some responsibility here.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
22 Comments Add your own
1. BarbaraFromCalifornia | June 1st, 2005 at 9:16 pm
As usual, your sense of humor sparkles, sweetie!
In my opinion whatever it takes can take it!! Blame it on the pants, the Bossa Nova, but not on yourself.
You are awesome no matter what!
xox
b
2. mireille | June 1st, 2005 at 9:46 pm
I’m seeing an angora shrug with the shoulderless jumpsuit that is really your pants. Really. It could work.
3. WinterWheat | June 2nd, 2005 at 8:48 am
I’m picturing a white-girl version of Steve Urkel.
4. Meegan | June 2nd, 2005 at 10:10 am
Great blog! I love all of your funny anecdotes. Congrats on the smaller pants size — I’d be thrilled to be wearing a smaller size, no matter how ugly they were!
5. Tania | June 2nd, 2005 at 11:45 am
Haven’t you heard? Highwaistedness is back in! Psych!
Not psych, really. I am seeing highwaistedness and taperedankleness around. I really, really don’t want to end up having to shop for pants based on how snug they are around the armpits again, so I’m hoping the fashionistas are unsuccessful at yanking waistlines higher again.
As for that biatch whose head you conked, it was totally her fault. And the pants.
6. AngelaCh1 | June 2nd, 2005 at 1:00 pm
I’m with Tania on this- haven’t you seen the high-waisted, tapered-leg pants that Karl Lagerfeld has been showing on the fall runways? It’s all the rage, darling.
7. Jonniker | June 2nd, 2005 at 1:15 pm
LOL! This is one trend that I will let pass me by. NO ONE looks good in high-waisted, tapered leg pants. No one.
8. Kate | June 2nd, 2005 at 2:18 pm
Bwahhahahahaha!
9. katiedid | June 3rd, 2005 at 1:53 pm
This:
“With a little effort, I could wear these pants as a strapless jumpsuit. Tomorrow, I might just do that. With an open cardigan. You know, in case my shoulders get cold.”
Just cracked me all up.
GAWD I hate the super low rise look, but I can’t believe the super high waist is making a return. They’re, like, both on the evil pants spectrum.
10. WinterWheat | June 3rd, 2005 at 3:46 pm
Roasted Red Pepper Dip for Jonna: You need a food processor. Take a big jar of roasted red peppers packed in water and drain off the water. (I think the jar I use is about 12 oz.) Dump in processor. Add 1/2 cup sour cream (fat-free is great) and about a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar. Add salt and pepper to taste, and anything else you feel like adding, e.g., crushed garlic or herbs (but really, all you need is peppers, sour cream, vinegar, and salt). Process until fairly smooth. That’s it!
When I make my avocado-cucumber chilled “soup” I add a few spoonfuls of this. Takes it to a new level. Use to fill omelets and as a dip/dressing for veggies and salads. This is the only fat-free dip/dressing I’ve ever tried that isn’t disgusting. It’s good for you too, what with the protein, calcium, and vites/mins from the peppers.
11. Yesrie | June 3rd, 2005 at 4:59 pm
Tsk, tsk. RandomOfficeLady deserves being doorfaced! Time-sensitive pants emergencies are commonplace in ladies’ rooms.
Love that Urkel-looking, butt-examining, leaner meaner Joaner! ]:>
12. Amanda | June 3rd, 2005 at 11:29 pm
Way back in the way back when one used to be able to find vintage clothes in giant sizes, my trick was to buy these enormous skirts and wear them around my hips instead of my waist. In that way, I suppose I predated the low-rise revolution.
And then there’s the rock concert incident, in which I started out wearing a long skirt and a flannel shirt, and somehow ended up in the mosh pit wearing only the skirt, sundress style. I still have the flannel shirt, oddly enough. It’s fire-engine Royal Stewart, so it’s not like I could lose it, even in a mosh pit.
On an unrelated note, I do not want to see the Solidarity of the Pants, or whatever that movie is. It just sounds bad.
13. Amanda | June 3rd, 2005 at 11:33 pm
Oh, and Katharine Hepburn and Lauren Bacall looked amazing in high-waisted pants, but they didn’t have to cope with the horror of tapered legs.
However, I think that women used to have higher waists or something. It seems like every time I try on clothes from the 40s and 50s, the waist sits at the wrong place on me.
I blame/credit girdles. Truly, I’m not sure whether blame or credit is more appropriate.
14. WinterWheat | June 4th, 2005 at 9:12 am
It’s “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but I like “Solidarity of the Pants” MUCH better. Makes me think of good solid seams that don’t rip.
I must weigh in on the high-waisted pants thing. As a very tall (36″ inseam) yet short-waisted woman, I look HIDEOUS in those pants. They cinch (remember that SNL skit? “Cinch it!”) at the narrowest part of my waist, which is about 4″ above my elbows, then taper toward the bottom where they invariably fail to reach my ankles. Add pleats to the waist and the look is complete: Village Idiot.
On the other hand, superlow-rise pants don’t leave enough room for normal-length tops and shirts to cover my belly, and I MUST COVER MY BELLY. I’m not ashamed of it or anything, I just don’t want people looking at it — like my armpits or butt crack. Certain parts are For Privileged Eyes Only.
I’m holding out for pants that rest just above the hip bones. For me that’s about a 10″ rise. Why does everything have to be either 7″ or 12″? Our fashion world is populated by extremes. >:-\
15. Jonniker | June 4th, 2005 at 8:58 pm
Thanks, K! I can’t wait to make this!
I look horrible in high-waisted pants. For me, it’s not the waist, necessarily – it’s the butt, as I pointed out. My butt is already my most ample asset, and high-waisted pants give it length to its already apparent girth. Who needs a long AND wide butt? No good. No good at all.
16. Atreau | June 5th, 2005 at 12:48 am
If I were taller I’d wear high waisted pants! Congratulations on your progress J – you’re doing great!
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