Iko Iko

Moving is getting to us. I’ve found my keys in the freezer, put the cheese in the baggie drawer, and thought my car was stolen, only to remember that I had taken Adam’s car to work instead of my own.

Today, I called our auto attendant to test how it directed my calls. When I dialed through to my own extension, I ANSWERED THE PHONE.

Three times in a row.

“Hello? HELLO? HELLOOOOOO?” All irritated that I was getting pranked. I was PRANKING MYSELF.

After the car-stealing incident, I picked up my car from the dealer and went to the grocery store. After I hopped in the car at dusk, I realized SOMEONE WAS IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY CAR. I screamed and pepper sprayed the intruder, flailing my arms like a flag boy and crying like a banshee.

The intruder didn’t budge and I ran screaming from the vehicle, admittedly because the pepper spray nearly smoked me out, not because I was using any sort of common sense. When I stopped coughing from the giant cloud of pepper spray that filled the car and my lungs, I realized I had just pepper sprayed an empty backseat. The Honda dealermen had PUT IN THE THIRD HEADREST and I hadn’t noticed. I attacked the headrest, thinking it was an intruder in my locked car.

To make matters worse, as I was writing this, I just used the oven’s broiler to make toast, ate the toast, cleaned the bathroom and took a shower. Came out to get some water and guess what? THE BROILER WAS STILL ON.

I am truly a menace.

10 comments August 1st, 2005