I Repeat, This Ain’t Livin’
August 3rd, 2005
In the final weeks before any new life event, I am a miserable person to be around. I’ve noticed a pattern beginning to emerge, and suddenly I become Debbie Downer times 50, determined that I, or someone I love, is about to die, the world is falling apart and that I need to take a step back and remove myself from whatever situation I’m about to leap into, pronto, or our lives as we know it will end in disaster.
Take my wedding for example: two weeks before the big day, I almost called it off. I was CONVINCED that I was making the mistake of a lifetime. Suddenly, all the wonderful things about Adam dissipated (a challenge, given how truly fabulous he is), and I became convinced that my wedding wasn’t a joyous occasion, but the exact moment that I would be exiled to the ninth level of hell. Thank God Adam had more sense than I did, for when I sheepishly suggested that perhaps a wedding wasn’t a great idea, he simply replied,
“Um, no. Not having this discussion. I don’t care if you divorce me the next day, but after all the months of this planning bullshit, we are HAVING THIS WEDDING.”
End of discussion. Lesser men would have taken the opportunity. And thank GOD, because of course it passed, the day was wonderful, and being married truly rocks, I swear. I wanted to get married, I should have gotten married and what a GREAT idea it was! Just in case, you know, there was any doubt.
The move is a little different, in that at no point have I felt like backing out was an option – in fact, I’m half looking forward to it, in a way. It’s just that I’m convinced that all world crises and incidents are bound to converge on me and that we’ll never get there. I shock myself with my ability to become so paranoid and self-centered that I think all these things are going to happen TO ME, never mind the poor people they are happening to every day. I’m pretty disgusted with myself, actually.
Plane crash in Toronto? Oh my GOD that means that my flight to a wedding next weekend is going down in a thunderstorm. Road rage shootings in Lynn and Brockton? The next man I flip off on 128 is going to gun me down. Some poor kid’s mother dies on MTV’s The Real World? Speed dial mom, because that means she’s going down. Dad, too. And then I start crying.
Tonight I panicked that the folks from Craig’s List that we’re selling our bookcases to are going to show up tomorrow night wielding knives, machetes and other weapons, kill us, take our money and leave the bookcases. I’ve also become convinced that I have at least four different types of cancer, panicked and hovered over EVERY SINGLE MOVE Adam makes and if it involves getting into a motor vehicle, I practically strap him in myself. And if he takes more than three seconds to make a move towards the seatbelt, I start screeching about the dangers of Boston traffic and high-speed accidents and weeping that I can’t live without him, so won’t he please PUT ON THAT SEATBELT?
Thank God I know from experience that this will pass. Right? RIGHT?
And for those of you keeping score, the flightiness continues. Tonight, after a nice long run, I turned on the shower, took all of my clothes off and stepped in.
With my sneakers on.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
13 Comments Add your own
1. Trina | August 4th, 2005 at 2:37 am
(((J)))
This too shall pass, most assuredly! And remember – you have some Damn Good jerky to look forward to eating! Mwah!
2. Parisjasmal | August 4th, 2005 at 7:33 am
Aww! Bless your heart J. I get paranoid and self centered too. When something good is about to happen to me, I freak out sometimes because I feel I do not deserve good things, and if I get too confident about it, it will be gone in a Toronto plane crash. I do not think things can “just go wrong”. On no–I am a nervous nelly–things will go HORRIBLY AWRY! People will die, animals will drown, locusts will invade…etc ACK.
Relax, and enjoy this wonderful new chapter in your wonderful life. By February, you will be thinking of the folks in Boston, tilting your head back, laughing that Joan Crawford laugh, and saying “Freeze you bitches, I am headed to the beach”. Just kidding you won’t do that. Where your going in Fla, there is not a beach–right? If there was a beach you would say that though.
BTW–What is Craigs List? Do I need to stay away from there?
xoxo
Jen
3. Carol | August 4th, 2005 at 7:57 am
You are a great writer, Jonna. You expressed you STUPIDITY so well! and I just want to come over and say “It will be fine! The move is going to go smoothly and NOTHING bad is going to happen.”
I’m jealous that you are so happily married. That is awesome. It seems I keep hearing about awful marriages – thank you for telling us that you’re so lucky.
4. Anonymous | August 4th, 2005 at 8:44 am
I am also going through a Totally Freaked Out Phase right now. I send you kissy.
thalia
5. Barbara From California | August 4th, 2005 at 9:25 am
Yes, this too shall pass. And you will get to the other side, and emerge victoriously as one of your favorite fragrances will remind you.
Change is difficult. Moving is stressful. Monthly hormones can add a powerful toxin to an already strange brew.
I will be thinking about you.
One step at a time, sweetie.
xox
b
6. buleria | August 4th, 2005 at 10:13 am
Repeat after me, J:
It’s ALL good.
(really, it is)
-e
7. Laura | August 4th, 2005 at 11:09 am
Ms J, please take off your shoes (and put on some clothes)and sit down and have a beer. Then remember, this time next month/two months it will all be over. You’ll be there, unpacked or almost,and you’ll be living your new life. Breathe, breathe–and oh, by the way, I’m on the way down from Mass to Fla. Stop in if you need some hugs/dry shoes/cold beer en route, ya hear?
xoxo,
L
8. Kate | August 4th, 2005 at 11:54 am
LOL at the sneakers in the shower. What a funny image!
Honey, after you repeat wise Buleria’s mantra, then you can tell yourself this: “No matter what happens, no matter how many things go wrong, I can handle it”. Because you can. You are a resiliant and resourceful person, and when bad things really do happen, I bet you keep your head.
9. mireille | August 4th, 2005 at 1:03 pm
this was so good. I mean, right down to the last wet sneaker, it was good. And you’re not crazy, because I’m just like you. Only I fixate on the dog and his potential diseases. I just had the vet’s office talk me down off doggy prostate cancer because he, um, has a bit of a discharge. Apparently all male dogs do. Hey, how would I know? So, see? Perfectly normal. Florida is going to be a great source for blogposts out of you. Gonna be good. I can feel it. xoxoxo
10. Amanda | August 4th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
Oh dear.
Of course the Craig’s List people will take the bookcases. They’re bookcases. You can never have enough of those.
So when they show up with the machete, just say “Ooh, nice machete, mind if I try it?”
Then smile.
Big hugs. Moving sucks. The first time I moved to Washington I cried stupid, hysterical tears for a week before I got on the plane.
11. Anonymous | August 4th, 2005 at 10:11 pm
Moving is a huge pressure. I think it’s listed in one of those “Most Traumatic” lists of things that people undergo. My move was hell and I didn’t know anyone.
You have a husband you love and some family in Florida. You won’t be alone. Reality test all of this. That will see you through.
I *know* you from the a fragrance board. I think of you as someone who knows how to deal with people. You’ll make a lot of friends and things will be cool. Just give yourself a chance.
12. Jonniker | August 4th, 2005 at 11:08 pm
JenJen, there is, indeed, a beach. Moving to the West Coast.
Carol, you kill me. Yep, I did express my stupidity well, eh? I can tell you just want to shake me! When you come to Naples to visit your parents and we have coffee (we will!) I will let you
And Anonymous (not Gretchen
), I’m now dying to know who you are! Argh! The anonymity is killing me!
13. Atreau | August 6th, 2005 at 4:12 am
((((J)))) I’m like Jen, when things get too good i’m focused on how bad they’re going to get!
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