Suburbia
September 4th, 2005
So far, I seem to have made a lasting impression. Adam and I have been systematicallytaking out our MOUNTAINS AND MOUNTAINS of garbage created by the move. First of all, let me say that the garbage down here is TOTALLY WEIRD.
There are no garbage men. Garbage men! THERE AREN’T ANY! There are garbage truckdrivers, but no actual garbage men. They drive trucks that have these ginormous mechanical arms that come out and scoop up giant plastic bins. If your garbage doesn’t fit in the giant green plastic bin, then you are shit out of luck, my friend. I already felt like I was moving into a Stepford-esque neighborhood since it was a planned urban development, but this really put me over the edge. Seeing this GIANT CLAW leap out of the side of the truck to pick up my garbage was freaky.
Back to garbage adventures and Reasons Why We are Already the Pariahs of Our Development:
1) Because of the mind-boggling amounts of garbage we’re generating as a result of unpacking, we are exceeding the capacities of the Giant Green Containers nearly every single day. Because it would take us nearly 15 weeks of garbage days to make the slightest dent in the mountain of garbage, we have been forced to seek other means of disposal. The head of the homeowners association recommended we toss our broken down boxes into the dumpster near where they are building new Ant Farm houses like ours “when no one is looking.” We have interpreted this to mean, “Dump every day at least twice a day whatever you want.”
Thursday, while dumping our Eleventy Millionth Pile of Garbage in the dumpster, we heard a noise rustling behind the monstrosity:
“STICK ‘EM UP!”
We screamed as if we were being held at gunpoint by Saddam himself. It was a no more than 11-year-old boy who was hiding behind the dumpster. Unfortunately, our screams alerted the nearby neighbors to our perpetual presence at the dumpster, and brought about a fair amount of judgmental tut-tutting and stares. Dumping must now be done under the cover of nightfall, like a covert SEALs operation.
2) As if being known as the Couple Who Dumps wasn’t bad enough, Friday morning, Adam and I were taking out our giant plastic bin for the mechanical arm. Lou, our retired next door neighbor was out in his garage, as he always is and said hello. I’d only met him once, but he seemed like a nice, Midwestern man. While gesturing with my right hand, my thumb got caught in the edge of my t-shirt, and my t-shirt went OVER MY FACE and exposed my COMPLETELY BRALESS BOOBS to poor Lou, who was no doubt looking at me because I WAS TALKING TO HIM.
I panicked, pulled my t-shirt down and muttered, “Um, er, excuse me. Um, wow,” and giggled like an ex-stripper taken suddenly out of her element.
3) Sunday night, I was irrationally screaming at Adam because I am hormonal and mean. Screaming screaming screaming the entire way home from his parents’ house. SCAAAHREEEEEMING. As we entered the garage, I let it rip by screaming, “FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!” and stormed off. If you listen very very hard, I’m sure you can still hear the reverb in your neighborhood. Oh and, um, I locked him out of the house.
So now we are the Couple Who Dumps with the Psychotic Woman Who Screams and Strips. Fantastic! We likely won’t be invited to any barbecues soon.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
12 Comments Add your own
1. Anonymous | September 5th, 2005 at 11:16 pm
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2. Kate | September 6th, 2005 at 7:09 am
Jonna, you are so fabulous. I love this post. Now for the portion of our show where I whine: “Why don’t you live next door to ME!!!!!” I’d bake you a tea cake and bring it over and welcome you. I would.
3. Carol | September 6th, 2005 at 8:13 am
Who are you kidding??? Lou is THRILLED to have you living next to him…it’s the most excitement he’s had/seen in years.
I, too, was dumbstruck by the mechanical garbage truck arm. New to me when we moved to Utah. We now borrow our neighbor’s second green bin when we have too much garbage.
Hang in there…I’m sure you’re neighbors love you. It’s Florida..in the summer…no one heard your screams. They are had taken out their hearing aids (if it was after dark) and had their windows shut due to the air conditioning. You’re fine!!!
4. Jamie | September 6th, 2005 at 11:40 am
I wouldn’t fret about this — Lou probably hasn’t seen that much action above anyone’s waistline in years. You probably made his week.
5. Jen | September 6th, 2005 at 1:21 pm
I was also a little flabbergasted when I moved to FL and saw that you only got one trash can. So I just dumped bags of shit next to it, figuring they’d pick it up too. Ha! Lazy bastards…
Cheer up soon! (And just because you haven’t seen/heard the other neighbors do anything weird yet doesn’t mean that they aren’t.)
6. Kyahgirl | September 6th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
ROTFL!!!
Jonna, you kill me. Seriously.
xoxo
Laura
7. mireille | September 6th, 2005 at 6:28 pm
oh, on that locking Adam out of the house? Here’s an option: you could throw all his things out on the front lawn. That would really be making a statement. To the neighborhood. Kind of an insouciant, devil may care kind of a statement. I totally think it could be your signature kind of thing for domestic squabbles. *not original. saw it on The Sopranos, I think* xoxoxo
8. Parisjasmal | September 7th, 2005 at 7:40 am
Ahhh Suburbia. Welcome to the jungle Jonna! If I know the burbs like I think I know the burbs, a Barbeque would have you wanting to stick toothpicks in your eyes! I know I take an extra stash of toothpicks for poking in my eyes every time I have to attend a neighborhood function. HA!
Lou won the lottery, and you and Addy with your fighting and trashmongering probably bring a lot of excitment to Wisteria Lane.
xoxo
9. Trina | September 11th, 2005 at 7:20 am
LOL! I’m sure your neighbors love you! I got so used to the Claw at my parents’ house that I got peeved when Chris bought his house and found out that they *don’t* give you a trash can! And our trash men are picky about what they’ll take, the punks.
I’ll have to remember the locking *out* idea! Usually when I get to that point, I lock myself *in* a room and refuse to open the door. Eventually I get tired and fall asleep, and Chris has to use one of those little key thingies to open the door and carry me to bed. I’m such a grown-up! :~P
10. PFG | September 11th, 2005 at 7:15 pm
I only know you through your blog, and so I could be way off here, but I think you should consider this webtoy. It seems like it might suit you.
http://chaz.bdmonkeys.net/battle.php?usrname=Jonniker&sex=f
11. Trina | September 30th, 2005 at 2:43 am
Was just scrolling back – I can’t BELIEVE that I forgot to mention this – I LOOOOOVE Pet Shop Boys!!! You probably already knew that, though…
12. Jonniker » Games Wi&hellip | May 20th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
[...] *Oh, and stalkers? Or anyone who wants to rob me? We told our totally awesome neighbors we were leaving and THEY LIVE VERY CLOSE TO US and Lou made sure to tell us that he has a gun, and several baseball bats and will be VERY VIGILANT. So, um, don’t think about it. Like, for a second. Because Lou will totally kick your ass and has seen my boobs, so HE IS MOTIVATED. [...]
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