Ants Marching

Ants are permeating my life. Or at least my entire existence since I moved here. Shortly before we moved, we attended a wedding in Tampa. If only I could tell the story of the wedding, for you have no idea. Ah, but alas, bloggers have limits. Anyway, at the wedding it came out that my also-attending friend Wade, (who lives in Texas and is is a brilliant designer, amazing person and just about the jolliest soul I’ve ever known) is working on a movie called Ant Bully, starting Julia Roberts. Which started a discussion on ants in Florida. I poo pooed the idea that bugs in Florida were any worse than the bugs I’d encountered in South Carolina, and ants certainly weren’t a problem. Fire ants? They stay outside!

It seems I was wrong. I have never seen so many ants in my entire life. Different KINDS of ants. There would be no reason we’d need to have our own tab in the AntWeb here, unless it was a SERIOUS PROBLEM.

And people, let me tell you what a serious problem is. It’s right here at the Jonniker household. It started with a tickle on my shoulder while I was settling in for bed. An idle scratch revealed an ant on my shoulder, under my shirt, but still. One ant. I can deal with one ant. Closer inspection revealed that there were no fewer than ten ants in bed with me. IN BED WITH ME. You know that creepy crawly feeling you get when you see a bug? Like say, in your pant leg? Only you know you’re being irrational because THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN?

I’m here to tell you it happens. I had ants in my pants. Four. ANTS IN MY PANTS. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE ANTS IN THEIR PANTS.

We have trapped, we have baited, we have sprayed. AND THE ANTS MARCH ON. I had a hellish day today that involved 36 – yes, you read that right, THIRTY SIX – Trojan computer viruses (for chrissake, is it viruses or virii? I refuse to use virii, but would like to acknowledge that I might be wrong, but it is a conscientious objection). Said viruses took down not just my computer, but The Husband’s as well, along with the entire DNS server. Which meant no interweb for anyone for several hours. And certainly no fun for anyone either. There was yelling, screaming and irritation all around from spouses, employers and cats.

And the ants? Oh they marched on. Discovered a pocket of about 200 of them in my office, right under my feet. Marching, marching on in their arrogant little struts. Serving the queen my ass. I vacuumed their little brown asses right up, but I KNOW THEY LIVE ON.

Oh and the Orkin man? Stood us up. Never showed.

I’ll say it again. THE ANTS MARCH ON.

19 comments September 12th, 2005