Ants Marching
September 12th, 2005
Ants are permeating my life. Or at least my entire existence since I moved here. Shortly before we moved, we attended a wedding in Tampa. If only I could tell the story of the wedding, for you have no idea. Ah, but alas, bloggers have limits. Anyway, at the wedding it came out that my also-attending friend Wade, (who lives in Texas and is is a brilliant designer, amazing person and just about the jolliest soul I’ve ever known) is working on a movie called Ant Bully, starting Julia Roberts. Which started a discussion on ants in Florida. I poo pooed the idea that bugs in Florida were any worse than the bugs I’d encountered in South Carolina, and ants certainly weren’t a problem. Fire ants? They stay outside!
It seems I was wrong. I have never seen so many ants in my entire life. Different KINDS of ants. There would be no reason we’d need to have our own tab in the AntWeb here, unless it was a SERIOUS PROBLEM.
And people, let me tell you what a serious problem is. It’s right here at the Jonniker household. It started with a tickle on my shoulder while I was settling in for bed. An idle scratch revealed an ant on my shoulder, under my shirt, but still. One ant. I can deal with one ant. Closer inspection revealed that there were no fewer than ten ants in bed with me. IN BED WITH ME. You know that creepy crawly feeling you get when you see a bug? Like say, in your pant leg? Only you know you’re being irrational because THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN?
I’m here to tell you it happens. I had ants in my pants. Four. ANTS IN MY PANTS. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE ANTS IN THEIR PANTS.
We have trapped, we have baited, we have sprayed. AND THE ANTS MARCH ON. I had a hellish day today that involved 36 – yes, you read that right, THIRTY SIX – Trojan computer viruses (for chrissake, is it viruses or virii? I refuse to use virii, but would like to acknowledge that I might be wrong, but it is a conscientious objection). Said viruses took down not just my computer, but The Husband’s as well, along with the entire DNS server. Which meant no interweb for anyone for several hours. And certainly no fun for anyone either. There was yelling, screaming and irritation all around from spouses, employers and cats.
And the ants? Oh they marched on. Discovered a pocket of about 200 of them in my office, right under my feet. Marching, marching on in their arrogant little struts. Serving the queen my ass. I vacuumed their little brown asses right up, but I KNOW THEY LIVE ON.
Oh and the Orkin man? Stood us up. Never showed.
I’ll say it again. THE ANTS MARCH ON.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
19 Comments Add your own
1. Trina | September 13th, 2005 at 1:04 am
Well, according to the song they’re just doing it to get out of the rain – put out some little umbrellas for them and maybe they’ll vacate your lovely new home :~D
2. Carol | September 13th, 2005 at 9:08 am
I would be sleeping outside before getting back in that bed! Holy shit – that sounds absolutely awful. Hang in there. Hopefully the Orkin comes today and if it helps, I’ve never seen an ant in my parent’s Naple’s condo. Maybe when they’re gone, they’ll stay gone.
3. Kate | September 13th, 2005 at 9:47 am
I say: Use witchcraft! What good is it if you can’t use it in a situation like this one?
Tell that ant queen that you need her to keep her little minions to herself. You can’t have them in your bed or on your person. Also, they should not eat the wood of your house. Really, it would be best if they would relocate to the neighbor’s house. Howard? Was that the name of the guy you showed your boobs to? Let him have the ants. LOL!
You may have to give them something in return. After all, I wouldn’t relocate just because some ants said I should. So, what do ants want? Ask them if they are willing to negotiate.
Can you enlist the help of any ant predators? How would Cappy feel about lizards or anteaters for friends?
If not, Orkin must be called again.
4. Kate | September 13th, 2005 at 9:50 am
Oh! Wait! I’ve got it! Invite another ant colony to fight and try to drive out the ones you’ve got! Hopefully, there will be a bloody massacre and they will all kill each other! Ants are very warlike.
5. Jamie | September 13th, 2005 at 10:41 am
There are only two ways to deal with this situation: play Dave Matthews Band “Ants Marching” on repeat until they go crazy and leave the premises, OR play the entire Nutcracker suite by Tchaikovsky, sit down to watch, and enjoy the show.
6. Kate | September 13th, 2005 at 10:56 am
Look! This is the perfect solution!
http://www.pickyhedgies.com/babies.htm
7. Jonniker | September 13th, 2005 at 11:03 am
A HEDGEHOG? LOL! Oh good grief. I feel fairly certain that Snapper would eat one in two minutes flat.
8. katiedid | September 13th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
Ugh. My mother-in-law had a terrible ant problem too last summer – you have my sympathies.
This post put that kid song into my head though: “when the log rolls over we will die…” I am secretly still nine years old.
9. Yesrie | September 13th, 2005 at 2:37 pm
“A HEDGEHOG? LOL! Oh good grief. I feel fairly certain that Snapper would eat one in two minutes flat.”
You taking bets? :>
This ( http://www.townisp.com/~yesrie/tuckcup.jpg )is Tucker as a baby; even then, Veto and Skrufy would have nothing to do with him. The quills totally confounded the cats, and then EVERYBODY flipped out the first time Tucker had a hissy fit (when they get stressed… well, it’s quite a show =8-O ) :>
10. Jonniker | September 13th, 2005 at 3:51 pm
We’re going to have to discuss the fact that you had a hedgehog and I never knew it. Why you had a hedgehog is beyond me. Did Skruf and Toad hiss at it? HOW CUTE IS TUCKER? He’s so teeny!
11. Yesrie | September 13th, 2005 at 5:42 pm
Neither one was having a good hair day :> but here’s TBX illustrating Tucker’s hissy. He still wasn’t full-grown; when he was, and he curled up, he was softball-sized. When we got him, he was the size of an egg :>
http://www.townisp.com/~yesrie/tuckcup.jpg
{{ponders blogging about hedgie hissies :> despite lack of uploaded hisspix}}
12. Yesrie | September 13th, 2005 at 5:54 pm
“Why you had a hedgehog is beyond me…. HOW CUTE IS TUCKER?”
I knew you’d understand :>
It was at an Ostara festival, and Alex just had to hold one… and then he tucked himself up into a ball and FELL ASLEEP IN HER HAND. Tucker. That’s why :>
13. Jonniker | September 14th, 2005 at 10:12 am
But..but…the second photo is just Tucker in the cup again! I want to see TBX with bad hair, LOL!
14. Trina | September 14th, 2005 at 10:25 am
Butting in here – I am INSANELY jealous of that hedgie!!! I’ve wanted one since I was little, and yet keep ending up with other pets instead. I have a feeling that the ferrets would be able to deal with the quills, so I’ve already resigned myself to waiting till we have no more ferrets (though God forbid that day ever come!). But I waaaaaant!!!!
15. Yesrie | September 14th, 2005 at 12:52 pm
OHHHH shazbat. Yup, I did paste the same one in again %-} Try
http://www.townisp.com/~yesrie/tuckscwl.jpg
I’ll look for more pix, but I didn’t take enough in the first place, and I’m not sure how many I scanned. He was with us for about 4 years, I think, and then one morning he was… Not
They’re nocturnal, y’know :> And even custom-fitted wheels (I sewed snap-on denim liners. Don’t ask. I really do need to write this up) *squeak*. All night :>
Trina, I’ve never lived with ferrets but I know how charming, devious and busy they are ;> so a ferret/hedgie encounter would be hilarious to watch. Ferrets are pretty clever, aren’t they? I’d like to see the tactics they’d try.
16. cjblue | September 14th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
Uh, ferrets and hedgehogs aside (those pictures are insanely adorable), I can’t get the ants thing out of my head. I know tonight every little moving hair on my body will wake me up with ant fears.
I hope it gets resolved quickly, J – horrors!
17. Anonymous | September 16th, 2005 at 10:00 am
It would only be ‘virii’ if it were one ‘virius’.
So it should, I guess, be viri. Not much better, huh?
18. Anonymous | September 24th, 2005 at 3:31 am
A different Anonymous-We are confusing
Put honey mixed with grits or yeast out. The ants will eat it and explode. Lovely picture, I know, but it’s better than having them around. Actually, I liked the Dave Matthews or Tchaikovsky suggestion better, but this will work.
19. Jonniker&hellip | October 28th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Jonniker…
[...] something about jonniker[...]…
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