Eat For Two
November 28th, 2005
We survived Thanksgiving. I self-medicated with my friend Tanqueray.
Unfortunately for everyone, the highlight of the holiday was when both dogs (of Paris Hilton-esque toy variety, belonging to various family members) decided to pee on my feet in succession during the feast. First the shih-tzu (wearing a lace ruffled collar with sequin menorahs, I hasten to add) relieved herself on my toes. As it was near room-temperature and I was significantly impaired by the Tanqueray, I didn’t fully notice until I caught the miniature dachsund marking her territory (my feet) to cover up the scent of the other dog’s pee. Mildly impaired and covered in dog pee, I shuffled off to the liquor cabinet for another round.
Also, in a slightly impaired fit of totally embarrassing and ridiculous emotion, I cornered my mother-in-law, professing how incredibly lucky I was to have her and father-in-law. You know the feeling. You’ve done it. Is a family holiday the place? I’m not sure, but there I was a blubbering emotional mess droning on and on about how much I love my mother-in-law. And I do, I suppose. And the Tanqueray told me just how much.
The real festivities began, however, when we flew back home and drove – tired and hung over – to Fort Lauderdale to see my parents off on their ten-day cruise to the eastern Carribean, followed by a night in South Beach, Miami (more on South Beach another day, but suffice it to say DO THOSE PEOPLE EVER WEAR CLOTHING?!). I’ve always prided myself on being raised in a highly tolerant household, despite growing up in an area where the KKK had a tremendously strong foothold – a few nights each year, you could see, if you looked very hard, the burning crosses from my dad’s house in Pennsylvania, where the Klan would hold their semi-annual rituals. The only prejudices my parents hold tend to be generational and without malintent. My mother tends to take this to an entirely different level, and makes a concerted effort to ensure her friends are multi cultural. I don’t think she realizes it, but she has created her own rule of Affirmative Action. Whatever her slightly token-esque manifestations, I genuinely have always believed that her intentions are pure, and that I could bring home a man or woman of any race, religion or station in life and he or she would be welcomed.
During Friday night’s pre-cruise dinner, she commented on her eleventy-millionth attractive man. Eleventy millionth attractive black man, a fact that I hadn’t noticed until she busted out with,
“Wow. I just noticed that I only find African American men attractive.” She turned to my stepfather, “So what the hell am I doing with you? I have JUNGLE FEVER, for God’s sake.”
Of course this was said loudly. At dinner. Heaven help us. I can only hope it’s a remote sign of, erm, a misguided attempt at hipness? Was she thinking of Spike Lee? My mother has completely lost her mind.
*10,000 Maniacs.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
9 Comments Add your own
1. Carol | November 29th, 2005 at 12:12 am
T and Ts are our favorite drink around here! Sounds like a typical family gathering – some relatives you enjoy, some you don’t! Hope your week goes well.
2. Jamie | November 29th, 2005 at 10:13 am
R.O.F.L. This is one of your best entries to date, Jonna. Has your mother ever seen “How Stella Got Her Groove Back?” Perhaps you should buy her the DVD for the holidays.
3. whinger | November 29th, 2005 at 2:11 pm
I LOVE this entry — and am happily enjoying your dog pee pain.
My mother always wanted my sisters and I to marry multiculturally so she could have an international family. She got two white boys from Nebraska and a white girl from Tennessee. If a lesbian hadn’t slipped in there, she might’ve been downright disappointed.
4. Kate | November 29th, 2005 at 3:14 pm
Oh my God. They peed. On your feet? Yikes!
I’m the hugging, crying, “I love you” kind of drunk too.
5. WinterWheat | November 29th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
ROFL, as usual. So glad you were able to get by with a little help from your (liquid) friends. (I’m talking about the potable kind of liquid, not the pee-pee kind.)
I tried to avoid being the high-maintenance pregnant woman at my in-laws’ last week, but I’m not sure I succeeded. At one point I asked them if they bought all their mattresses “at the park bench store.” They laughed (bless them). I should send them a fruit basket or something.
6. Trina | November 30th, 2005 at 9:28 am
O.M.G.!!! It has been FAR too long since I visited yout blog! And this entry reminds me of exactly why I should remain in the blogosphere, despite whatever shit I have going on in my own life.
Oddly enough, I kinda relate to your mom – considering the wide range of what I consider attractive in a man, it’s pretty darn funny that I ended up with a white, blonde dude. I don’t *think* I’d holler out at dinner that I have Jungle Fever (though the amount I had imbibed would be a key factor), but that’s mainly b/c my interests extend past the simple black-and-white diversity of yesteryear :~D
7. laurie | November 30th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
Oh shit, I might be turning into your mom. I found myself at lunch with my team of (all-Asian) co-workers two weeks ago, and I found myself saying every other minute, “Oh my, he is so TALL and WOW I think tall Asian guys are SO HOT and oh my! I have yellow fever!”
Yes. I am *that* wrong. ARGH. It just came out! I can’t help it! Every man was so hot! Yet, I am inappropriate in all ways. Luckily I am not an asshole, or that would have been even more embarrassing.
So! This was a really funny story, and I love that you wrote it down for us, thank you
Except, I’m apologizing RIGHT NOW for turning into your mom.
8. Jonniker | December 1st, 2005 at 12:01 am
LOL, Laurie,on the whole thing, but particularly the “Luckily I am not an asshole…” I have said that SO MANY TIMES.
You are indeed the farthest thing from an asshole.
(and two things of interest for you: 1) The hotness that is Heartbroken Sayid and 2) I will be attempting to attend my first-ever Stitch n’ Bitch down here in the weird land. Pray they are normal, down to earth people. How can knitters be mean or pretentious? THEY KNIT IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER, FOR GOD’S SAKE!)
9. laurie | December 1st, 2005 at 8:00 pm
Here is a good Southern response to what you just asked me …
“I will pray for you. Bless your heart.”
heheheheheh
come to LA, we have a rockin’ snb!! and let me know how yours goes!
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