Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

Adam and I exchanged gifts last Saturday, well before the hustle and bustle of the holidays really got into full swing. Truth is, we like the privacy, and shipping packages to and from our final destination is astonishingly impractical. This year would have been particularly difficult, given that I got him a circular saw that weighs about eleventy million pounds, and would have cost as much to ship.

Adam is an avid online shopper, being an Internet geek and all, and despite his best efforts, one of my gifts didn’t arrive on time – it was part of a set of three items, and I easily figured out what it was supposed to be (He got me three Philosophy three-in-ones bodywash/bubble bath/shampoo in delicious scents. The third mysteriously didn’t arrive). On Thursday, before we left, a package arrived from the store he ordered it from. He handed it to me with an offhanded “Merry Christmas!” and I opened it excitedly since, like a goldfish, I’d forgotten what it was.

I stared into the package.

And stared.

And stared some more.

It was a six-pack of SlimFast.

Orange Creamiscle. Flavored. SlimFast.

Slim.

Fast.

From my husband.

For Christmayulikah.

There was much confusion, hollering and panic involved on all sides, with some screaming about the size of my albeit-ample-yet-still-only-a-fucking-size-EIGHT-you-insensitive-jerk ASS, until we finally looked at the packing slip, which, Adam should thank mother of fucking GOD, read, “Eggnog Philosophy Three-in-One.” The third and forgotten Three in One. It was a packing mistake, and thank EVERY POWER ON THIS EARTH, because there would have been a brutal murder, and I don’t think anyone would have blamed me. We’d have made CNN, I’m sure, and been immortalized in every “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” from now until all of eternity as the Christmas Couple Diet Murder-Suicide of 2005.

And what’s worse, some poor creature ordered some much-needed Orange Creamsicle SlimFast and is instead washing themselves with the rich, creamy and no-doubt TEMPTING, scent of Philosophy’s Eggnog. It even has a recipe for homemade eggnog on the bottle. The poor, doomed soul.

I hope y’all had a happy holiday and that Santa brought you everything you wanted. I’ve got my husband, family, friends, cat and my SlimFast and I couldn’t be happier.

*The Smiths

11 comments December 26th, 2005