Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others
December 26th, 2005
Adam and I exchanged gifts last Saturday, well before the hustle and bustle of the holidays really got into full swing. Truth is, we like the privacy, and shipping packages to and from our final destination is astonishingly impractical. This year would have been particularly difficult, given that I got him a circular saw that weighs about eleventy million pounds, and would have cost as much to ship.
Adam is an avid online shopper, being an Internet geek and all, and despite his best efforts, one of my gifts didn’t arrive on time – it was part of a set of three items, and I easily figured out what it was supposed to be (He got me three Philosophy three-in-ones bodywash/bubble bath/shampoo in delicious scents. The third mysteriously didn’t arrive). On Thursday, before we left, a package arrived from the store he ordered it from. He handed it to me with an offhanded “Merry Christmas!” and I opened it excitedly since, like a goldfish, I’d forgotten what it was.
I stared into the package.
And stared.
And stared some more.
It was a six-pack of SlimFast.
Orange Creamiscle. Flavored. SlimFast.
Slim.
Fast.
From my husband.
For Christmayulikah.
There was much confusion, hollering and panic involved on all sides, with some screaming about the size of my albeit-ample-yet-still-only-a-fucking-size-EIGHT-you-insensitive-jerk ASS, until we finally looked at the packing slip, which, Adam should thank mother of fucking GOD, read, “Eggnog Philosophy Three-in-One.” The third and forgotten Three in One. It was a packing mistake, and thank EVERY POWER ON THIS EARTH, because there would have been a brutal murder, and I don’t think anyone would have blamed me. We’d have made CNN, I’m sure, and been immortalized in every “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” from now until all of eternity as the Christmas Couple Diet Murder-Suicide of 2005.
And what’s worse, some poor creature ordered some much-needed Orange Creamsicle SlimFast and is instead washing themselves with the rich, creamy and no-doubt TEMPTING, scent of Philosophy’s Eggnog. It even has a recipe for homemade eggnog on the bottle. The poor, doomed soul.
I hope y’all had a happy holiday and that Santa brought you everything you wanted. I’ve got my husband, family, friends, cat and my SlimFast and I couldn’t be happier.
*The Smiths
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
11 Comments Add your own
1. Whinger | December 27th, 2005 at 10:48 am
He is a lucky, lucky man for the packing slip.
So glad your holidays did not include a murder. They tend to put a raincloud over things.
2. winterwheat | December 27th, 2005 at 10:59 am
R.O.F.L. M. A. O.
Poor Adam.
3. Jen W. | December 27th, 2005 at 12:35 pm
Holy Crap that was funny. Here you go honey! Merry Christmas! Thanks for the laugh. Oh, and I got the Gingerbread kit and good lord it is nice. Will you be getting the Eggnog one? What an odd thing to mix up- where is there a place that sells Philosophy AND SlimFast?
4. jonniker | December 27th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
Hey Jen! You’ll have to let me know how the Gingerbread is. I love the Cinnamon Buns and most of their flavors. Drugstore.com is the culprit. Jerks.
5. jonniker | December 27th, 2005 at 1:37 pm
I mean, I’ll let you know how the Eggnog is. Drh. You just told me the Gingerbread is nice! Forgive me, for I am old.
6. Jamie | December 27th, 2005 at 2:14 pm
I’m going to overlook my dislike for all things egg and nog, and say that this may take the cake as one of your funniest stories yet. But not as funny as the KY on your lips in a business meeting because is the #1, all-time champion. Glad to hear things were sorted out and that you had a wonderful holiday!
7. Jen W. | December 27th, 2005 at 3:46 pm
The Gingerbread is awesome, especially the lip gloss. But, you have to be careful with the lotion because it’s tinted and can stain clothes and towels. Have to let it dry completely first. Smells verrrry good though. And BTW, you’re NOT old!
And what is this about KY? Have to search the archives for that story…
8. carol | December 28th, 2005 at 11:05 am
That is so funny. Only something like that would happen to you.
Hey…I’m looking to book tickets to Naples in mid-March…wanna bring your size 8 ass to the beach with mine!???
9. Parisjasmal | December 28th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
That is a scream! Hope your holidays were wonderful!
Slim Fast—too much!
10. kyahgirl | December 29th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Hey Jonna, I’m so glad to hear that Adam will leave to see another day!
Happy holidays,
Laura
11. jonniker | December 29th, 2005 at 9:38 pm
C A R O L! Of course I want to drag my ass to the beach with yours! I’ve been dying for you to come down here!
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