Everybody’s Changing
January 26th, 2006
Her name is Sam. Ordinary, plain old Sam. Or Sammy, as it will inevitably evolve into. Boston has a lot of famous Sams, so it made quasi-sense. Sam Adams. Sam Malone. Sam…there must be more Sams. But androgyny was key, for has anyone ever seen a *pretty* Boston Terrier? I mean, she’s not a pretty little thing, she’s goofy and clowny and doofy and weird, so something feminine would be so, so wrong.
I don’t think I can wait until she gets here.
I’m not obese, I promise. It’s the photos. As soon as I can take one, I will post it, if only to prove it to myself that an angle while squishing back away from cute puppy is not my best showing. And erm, to prove to all of you that I’m not scary. Because I’m not, I promise.
Separately, I had a nice chat with my therapist about babies and puppies today after a near-meltdown. Somewhere close to the entire world has told me not to get this dog, and to wait until after I have babies.* And here is a newsflash for everyone:
I’m not having babies at the moment, and if I waited for everything until “after I had babies” than I would be basically putting my life on hold until I was ready, which would totally negate the point of waiting to have kids. If I’m not going to LIVE until I have them, then why not just have them now? I’m just sayin’. And sure, I could change my mind soon and feel wonderfully settled and all that good stuff, but can I just say that I HAVE HAD ENOUGH CHANGE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I moved to another, really hot state. I got a new job. I still know four people within a 70-mile radiousso if everyone (including me) could just CALM DOWN about my uterus, that would be great.
I realize how bizarrely ambivalent I’m being about this. Hello, it’s me, Mixed Messages, nice to meet you.
I have been panicked about Baby Stuff since I turned 30. I live in (irrational) fear that my childbearing years are waning considerably (stop laughing), and if I don’t get pregnant SOON, then I won’t be able to have more than one and my single child will turn into a self-centered freak who murders people from atop a bell tower because she never learned how to share and the world is just such a cruel and unsharing world, and she never had a sister, so how on earth could she learn to share and GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD.
Add all of this to the fact that someone I know recently gave me a giant lecture that she doesn’t think that “older” mothers should exist because they are too tired to handle their kids properly. And then there was another acquaintance, parroting in everyone’s ear, “Well so-and-so was 35 when she had BillyBob and they don’t stimulate him enough! They’re TOO OLD!” Thanks, Ms. Nubile Pregnant Woman of the Age of Twenty Six Who Got Married at Twenty Two. Try having a hard time getting pregnant with years of fertility treatments and see HOW PERKY YOU ARE ABOUT LIFE.
And while we’re at it, thanks. More pressure! I SO APPRECIATE THAT. And, erm, my younger brother’s wife, is actually pregnant. He’s my step-brother, my adopted brother. And he’s a lovely guy. They’re having a boy. And Adam’s brother’s wife? Also pregnant. Having a boy.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS PREGNANT, it seems. With boys, which, amusingly, is sending Adam into a tailspin (“It’s not looking good for us, statistically…”) And at this moment? I think I decided I want to at least wait a little while before I join them, if that’s okay with everyone. I just want to hang out with my husband, dog and cat and eat mangoes. I keep waiting for some cosmic sign to tell me that YES! I want babies now! but it hasn’t happened yet. I mean, I had giant twinges before when we were in Boston, but the cold, hard truth is that I wasn’t happy with my life, so it seemed like a reasonable thing to do to make a change. And now I kind of want to see where my life goes on my own for a little bit. I have at least 5-10 good childbearing years left, you know…or so my therapist reminded me when I screamed that they were waning. Actually, I think she said 13, given that my mom went into menopause at 45 or later. So whatever.
And, um, is the PMS that obvious? AND WILL MY PERIOD JUST GET HERE ALREADY. (*small voice* But really, thank you Synthroid! I didn’t like them every 15 days! I’ll take it!)
*not you. And you so know who you are, Ms. Knitting Needles 2006. You are nice and normal and thoughtful and not bossy.
**Keane. I like them.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
14 Comments Add your own
1. Jamie | January 27th, 2006 at 7:22 am
That name is perfect — mostly because then you can do an impression of Grandpa Fred from Sixteen Candles! “Weeelll, if it isn’t Sammy. Baker. Davis. Jr.” and then maybe feel the dog up. Or not. I don’t want to seem like an advocate for canine pedophilia.
Either way, she’s adorable and I know she’ll have a wonderful home! Keep the pictures coming!
2. Kate | January 27th, 2006 at 8:37 am
Such a cute little doggy! I love the name Sam for her.
About the babies: who are these freaky people that harass you? The stepmonster? She can go to hell. Sorry, but I just had to say that. Perky-but-nasty Sister-in-law? her too. What is wrong with people who try to tell others how to live? I applaud you for making your own choices and living your own life in the face of insanity.
As for their fearmongering: There are pros and cons to everything, including having kids young/waiting to have them till later. I’m an older mom and my husband is def an older Dad. Yes, maybe we are more tired than the perky young 20 somthings, but we also have way more patience and life experience and are a lot less selfish and neurotic than we were in our 20s. So there.
BTW: Who is Ms. Knitting Needles 2006? I want to be Ms. Knitting Needles 2006! I didn’t even know there was a contest! LOL.
3. Parisjasmal | January 27th, 2006 at 9:54 am
J-
You will know when it is right for you to have babies. None of these other folks can make the decision for you. In my line of work I see many (AHEM) older women getting pregnant with thier first child. I know your stepmom may say that older mothers cannot handle it, but I know for a fact that older mothers are sometimes much better than younger mothers who are immature, selfish, not settled and become resentful that they did not get to do all the things they wanted to do before life as they knew it ended (because it does) with a baby.
Your body and mind will let you know when it is right for you.
Until then enjoy your Tanqueray and your puppy and the joy of doing what you want whenever you want!
xo
Jen
4. winterwheat | January 27th, 2006 at 10:01 am
Sam is perfect! As for the rest of your message: good lord. In my experience, people tell you to do whatever it is that will validate their own decisions — and the more uncertain they are about the validity of their own choices, the more they urge you to follow their path. It’s like they need the reassurance of numbers.
If it helps at all, I read some recent research suggesting that the best time to have a baby is 34 because maturity and financial security are on the upswing while infertility hasn’t yet become a major problem. The whole energy issue is complete bullshit. The people who buy into that are those who have completely *let themselves go.* To them, 35 *is* old. Yes, a life of no exercise and overindulgence in junk food and alcohol will definitely sap your energy by age 35, if you’ve been living that way for 15 years. You do have to work a bit more in your 30s to maintain the energy that magically replenished itself in your 20s, but in doing so you will be an excellent model of “good living” for your child.
I agree with you, too, that “energy” isn’t necessarily a good thing, especially if it’s channelled into poor behavior. That was a nice energetic slap you gave you kid there, Mom. Think of all the kids out there who were raised by patient, loving grandparents instead of their impulsive, irresponsible, young, ENERGETIC parents. When Jamie Foxx used his Oscar speech to thank his deceased grandmother for raising him, he didn’t mention her lack of energy.
As an academic I haven’t been criticized for waiting until I was over 35 to get pregnant because so many of us wait, but pre-pregnancy I heard many others make the claim that it’s insane to wait until after 30 to have kids. My plan, if criticized, is to explain that I didn’t get off crack until 29 — so it was probably a good idea to wait, you know, FOR ME.
5. Whinger | January 27th, 2006 at 10:59 am
I love Sam.
And y’know what’s worse than having old parents? Having parents who weren’t ready to have you and resent you.
Also, statistically, children are more well-adusted the longer their parents were married prior to having them.
Just sayin’.
6. Yesrie | January 27th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
“I live in (irrational) fear that my childbearing years are waning considerably (stop laughing)”
BTDT, still wearing the T shirt. The lettering changes over the years (now it says “Elderly Primapara”, which is what the 1985 OB/Gyn crowd called new-mothers-over-30), but it’s always something.
“I read some recent research suggesting that the best time to have a baby is 34″ – WinterWheat, I wuv you for this
Does it count if you were preggers at 34 but had the baby after your birthday? {{{worries}}}
Joan-er, at least if you have a baby in your 30s, you have a built-in exercise program. Your very own personal trainer! You can’t fire her when she pisses you off, but you can take embarassing pictures of her for the Future Blackmail File and send her to her room. Worked for me.
7. Yesrie | January 27th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
(Damn non-ASCII auto-smileys.)
8. Frizznoid | January 27th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
{{{{J}}}}}. My son is an only child and the sweetest, kindest boy you’d ever want to meet. Yes, he is very spoiled with material things too, but he is the most unselfish kid. It’s all in how you raise them J. I believe, “you get out what you put in”.
You will be a great mom at whatever age you decide to have kids. I had my son at 26 and I was always tired LOL. It doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 35 IMO.
Don’t worry about what anyone else says, follow your heart.
BTW, Sam is absolutely gorgeous and I can’t wait to see more pics
Holly
9. Katie | January 27th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
Pfft to all that throw their own neurotic agendas your way. It’s your time, why does anyone else need to question how you spend it if you’re not being self-destructive or cruel to others.
I had my dog before I had kids. I don’t even know what the hell that means to wait for the dog until after you have babies. What is the logic? I’m glad I got the puppy training like the bathroom stuff out of the way before the kids came along, to tell you the truth. I shudder to think of having to clean doggie messes up with my kids crawling around on the floor. And if anything, my dog seemed to take very well to having babies to watch over – he’d sleep under their crib at night. People have weird impractical ideas about puppy and child rearing I guess, ’cause I don’t see how one has much to do with the other personally.
My mom has been a young mom and an older mom (there’s a huge gap between myself and my little sister.) The real pain in the ass for her was other people’s inability to shut their yaps about her “age.” She once told me that it made no difference what age she had us at – she just felt we were supposed to be there where we were supposed to be there, and the timeline part was irrelevant. If anything, I think my baby sis got the better end of the deal – my mom was waaaaaay more patient with her than she was with my brother and I.
10. Victoria | January 27th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
Oh, what an adorable puppy!
As for babies, my entire department is having babies! Tomorrow I have to go to yet another baby shower. I can hardly take care of myself, much less another human being (provided that there should a father in the picture, preferrably in the same zipcode, unlike my own situation now, but still…)
11. carol | January 27th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Dogs I know nothing about…but he seems cute. I would think that practicing on a dog will be just fine for now. Babies are a huge deal. You will know when you’re ready and then you’ll jump. Until then..figure out who you are, learn your way around a hot city, make at least one more friend (the new baby needs to think you’re a little bit popular) and relax. When baby #1 comes – that’s it. Life as you know it changes forever. I was 36 with #1 and #38 with number two. It’s tiring and rewarding. Nerve wracking and wonderful. Most of all it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Why would you rush into that because someone thinks you should? You know what to do.
12. Amandampc | January 28th, 2006 at 9:14 am
No fears – you did the right thing. Putting things on hold until “the perfect time” never works, and think of all the adorable moments you would not have been enjoying with your beautiful little terrier girl. (Terriers are a trip, by the way! So intelligent, so stubborn, so – terrier! You will have tremendous fun and never be bored and always be loved, for terrier loyalty is unsurpassed. Good choice of breeds – well done!) You are still plenty young, you still have ample amounts of time. You really do. I feel strongly about this; I have yet to meet a woman here in NYC who’s had children PRIOR to her early thirties. It’s just not done. Personally, if I were myself planning on having children, I would much have wanted to wait until after 30 to do so – I was just far too immature and unsure of myself and etc. and so on in my twenties. Any wee one that might have come along certainly wouldn’t have gotten the best I have to offer.
As for your stepmother – no disrespect intended, of course (and I’ve had step-parents too, and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized in retrospect that they really were trying to “help” and be involved in their own ways) but her thoughts on brooches alone cast some aspersions on her advice as a whole. For anyone other than Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel and Wallis Simpson, brooches are not a viable option. (Occasionally, there are exceptions; they can look great if made from real jewels and worn on a particular cut of Chanel jacket – again, a likelihood of fashion that pertains to about .00000000000008 percent of the U.S. population.) The brooch concept as a “trend” was abused so monstrously and severely in the Eighties that it should rightly have been buried forever after. And I’m a former fashion editor, so I spent many long and aimless years pondering just such matters and getting paid to do so. Lastly, you live in FLA – so where, specifically, would you pin a brooch? To your T-SHIRT? How about somewhere on your shorts, a la the kilt pin? Come on, now! You seem to me a person who’s comfortable and confident with her own style, and that is a really great place to be. So keep it that way and if I can dig up any of my own fashion mistakes in the form of faux-tourmaline and garnet brooches with their cheap enamel work and all manner of chains, beads and geegaws hanging off of them, I will set them aside for you so you can have a big old laugh.
13. risa | January 28th, 2006 at 11:13 am
what in the world…
okay, Sam is a fantastic name. perfect. it can be a lot of things, and the puppy is sweetness!
but uh, does your Stepmom not know of the name “Susan Sarandon?” or “Jodie Foster?” yeesh, it’s ridiculous.
i do have to throw out there that my grandmother got pregnant at 40 and had my aunt a week after her 41st birthday. doctors were warning her that the baby would likely have down’s syndrome, be retarded, and whatnot…
i was born 9 months later. over the summers, i effectively ‘shared’ my grandmother’s parenting abilities. my aunt and i grew up together, to a large extent. without a question i have to say that my grandmother equaled my mother at parenting. they were both good, but good at different things. my mother was insecure where my grandmother was secure, and my mother was tolerant of things my grandmother was not. my aunt is an extremely intelligent and vibrant woman, and i love her to bits and back. i’m more than willing to admit she is far more well-adjusted than i am, despite – or maybe because – of having an “old, tired mom.”
take that, evil StepMom.
as for waiting for the dog until you have babies – why? to what point? having a dog certainly shows you how much patience is required for childrearing. as much tolerance and patience and firmness as is required for a dog, multiply that my a thousand – that’s what a child takes. it’s a good precursor.
i know you know this, but your baby Sam will be a wonderful addition to your family no matter when she arrives.
14. Sian | January 28th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
Well, I’m single and I refuse to worry about it! As far as I’m concerned, I’ve got til I’m 40 to reproduce (longer probably, my mother didn’t menopause young either) and if I do, so do you. You’ve got a willing father lined up, so when you’re ready, go for it, and not a minute before. I’ve had two NIGHTMARES lately about being pregnant, and I think that means that at 32 I’m still not ready. Maybe I never will be and that’s just fine. When you’re ready, you’ll be a better mother than the evil step mother could begin to comprehend. So B*llcks to her, and that’s my final word on the subject!
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