The Only Living Boy in New York
The south is a mecca for retirees. Hell, I’d retire here. They dress well, smell good and like to have a good time. On any given Sunday, there are at least 150 bingo games within a 20-mile radius. I counted. It’s like spring break for the elderly set. A few weeks ago, Abe overheard a man at a bagel shop bragging about his sexual conquests, and the “at least 5″ women he was juggling. He was easily well over 75.
The other night, we went to a crab shack, which was quite an improvement overthe last crab shack, where it home of the Car Wash dance routine. It was freezing cold (I know, I know) and raining, and we were the only folks on the outside porch.
Until they walked in.
They were a couple of about 65-70ish – snowbirds who recently arrived for the season. Upon arrival to the restaurant, the gentleman barked in our direction, “You call this SOUTHERN WEATHER? So much for our fucking vacation!” and stormed to his table.
He continued to keep up the sunny attitude throughout dinner, berating the waitress for putting a lime in his Corona and complaining about the length of time his dinner took to prepare. But things really heated up when we heard:
“HELEN. 22 FUCKING YEARS and you pull this shit. TWENTY TWO YEARS, you bitch!”
It became obvious that Helen had called him out having an affair with a neighbor down here, and simply replied with, “Unless you’re a CIA operative, Fred, you are screwing someone else. And you’re an old asshole with a job in INSURANCE SALES, so don’t lie to me, fuckface. YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH HER AND I DO NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT. YOU WANT ME TO YELL LOUDER SO THEY CAN ALL HEAR US?”
For the record? We could all hear them already.
“TWENTY TWO YEARS HELEN. And you want to throw it away with some crazy accusation, you BITCH! YOU CRAZY BITCH. YOU CRAZY, INSANE BITCH. YOU THINK I’M FUCKING HER? I MIGHT AS WELL FUCK HER, IF THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK. I’M LEAVING NOW TO GO FUCK HER, HELEN! YOU OKAY WITH THAT?” He was yelling louder now, and my mouth was agape. Agapity was interrupted with,
“JONNIKER! For fuck’s sake, stop staring. That guy might be 70, but he can kick my ass, and I REALLY don’t feel like getting in a fight with an elderly man in aviator glasses. SO STOP IT.”
They left in a drunken stupor, piling into their Mercedes to continue to accusations in another venue and making the roads more dangerous than they were earlier in the evening. I think the manager called the police.
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Tonight at dinner, we overheard, “And tonight, I was driving WITHOUT MY TEETH!”
13 comments February 8th, 2006