I Know

February 12th, 2006

I got drunk last night. It wasn’t entirely intentional, but it wasn’t unintentional, either. I knew that the third martini was bound to put me over the edge, but I didn’t know exactly how far it would put me over the edge. Way far, in case you were wondering. I was swimming in the abyss of drunkeness. What’s dangerous is that last night in my drunken frenzy I told Adam that I HAD to write something immediately. I HAD to BLOG.* I stumbled about, scrambling for my laptop and began to type.

I started an entry titled, “I Know,” after a Blur song I love. What the hell I knew, I’m not entirely sure, but I fell asleep before I could finish it, and mercifully, didn’t save much of what I typed. Or anything, really, and thank heaven, for I’m sure it was sappy, ridiculous and completely incoherent, as befits a happy drunk, as I always am. My only clue came this morning, when Adam did a fabulous imitation of me, complete with drunken accent, saying, “I KNOW our dog is going to be a BOY DOOOOOG and if we have children, they are GOING TO BE GIRRRLZZZZZ.” And then I think I passed out snoring and didn’t wake up until 4 a.m. with a heavy tongue and a thirst that can only mean a hangover. I spent the whole day surfing repeated waves of nausea while doing what everyone should do hungover – cruising the outlets with my mother in law who tried to convince me to buy a $150 pair of hot pink suede Ferragamo pumps. I didn’t get the pumps, but she did convince me to come home with a pink and green striped (!!) pair of Tahari pants with a mint green felted belt that I bought out of utter defeat. Mercifully and pitifully, they are going back to Saks, because I can’t get one thigh into them, as I discovered when I got home. I hadn’t tried them on in the store, since it was far more important that I avoid any possible friction on my aching body than the consideration of a now-necessary additional trip to Estero to return them. And I should add that the brightest color I’ve ever bought a pair of shoes in is brown, and that’s on a frisky kind of day. And mint green? Does not belong on pants. On anyone.

Anyway, the blog post. I’m pretty sure I was going to write about a) how much I loved the Internet and all the people who write me nice comments b) how much I love Adam c) what a phenomenal cat I have and d) my miraculous premonitions about the gender of the animals and children I will have in my life. After hearing Adam repeat it to me, I feel fairly certain the predictions were the cornerstone of my drunken ramblings. The other three are just a wild guess and based on past experience of LoveDrunk episodes. Last night I became a prophet, a drunken Mohammed screaming the future we are all born to live out from the mountaintops. Or at least from the second floor bedroom. I KNEW everything, except how many martinis I’d had and, um, why was the bed spinning so much?

And let’s all thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph or whoever is in charge that I never actually got to write that post. And what kind of loser gets trashed and has the overwhelming urge to blog about it, instead of doing better drunken things? I would pity myself if that weren’t even more pathetic than the situation at hand. The whole thing is just ridiculous.

But I got my blog post out of it, if a day late, and I think my drunken self would be happy. I love you Internet, I love you Adam, I love you Cappy and yes, I think our dog will be a boy. And if we have kids? TOTALLY GIRLS, because payback is a big, fat bitch. So there.

*I’m annoyed at myself just reading that statement. HAD TO BLOG. Loser. LOSER. L O S E R.

**Blur, as I mentioned

Entry Filed under: Nuttin'