Love is a Battlefield
Dude, I love The Bachelor. I don’t care that every single season is identical, or that there are screaming, squeezing moments where I can hardly stand the Hallmark statements that come out of their mouths. If you’re not a fan of the show, it’s really difficult to understand how those of us who watch them don’t spend the whole episode in front of a pukebucket.
They talk like they are living a Harlequin romance novel. For most of the show, I wait for Fabio to leap out of the wings, screaming how romantic Paris is, and oh my god he can’t believe it’s not butter! But it’s bizarrely riveting, and even though I know they won’t actually stay together or anything, and it’s NOT REAL, I am sucked into the emotion of it all. Because, for every Jesse Palmer, there is Byron and Mary, Trista and Ryan, Charlie and that cute little nurse. LIVES could be changed! LIVES! *faints dead away*
My heart beats so fast and so hard that the remote actually vibrates on my chest. I sweat. I yell at the TV. I puke in my bucket. For extra puking, let’s examine a few of Moana’s statements during the finale that I have memorized for good measure:
– [weeping] “I’ve never looked into the face of another human being and seen my own SOUL shine back at me!” [falls into a pile of nothingness on the floor]
- [beats chest a la Celine Dion] “He. Should. Be. MINE.”
- [said to Travis' parents while desperately trying to compensate for not naming ONE SINGLE attribute of Travis that she actually likes.] “I wish I could explain it to you…because it rocked me TO THE CORE!”
Who talks like that? WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?
Need I explain how happy I am that he chose Sarah? While I’m disappointed that it confirms that guys like Travis really do only want to take girls like Moana to bed and then marry the kindergarten teacher, and yes, it embodies every single thing that is wrong with America, and anti-feminist and all that shit, I DO NOT CARE. I was RIVETED. And I was exhausted from a giant, hugely long visit with my sister and her family that I’d be happy to talk about another time, but I stayed up to watch it, my heart beating out of my chest like it was my own fate on the line. I’m actually furious that Adam deleted it off of TiVo, as I planned to watch it again tonight after work.
Again. I wanted to watch it AGAIN.
If I had a new iPod with video, I’d pay for it. JUST TO SEE IT AGAIN.
Because, what the fuck? No reunion show? WHERE ARE TRAVIS AND SARAH NOW? I need to know. I NEED TO KNOWWWWWWWW.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An actual conversation in the car this evening:
“Jackass, roll down the window. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW!”
“I didn’t fart! I swear! I DIDN’T FART! Seriously, I can usually fart on demand, and I can’t even do that now, so I KNOW it wasn’t me. I DID NOT FART.”
“Really? ON DEMAND? That’s impressive.”
It’s good to know we can still surprise each other. Keeps the spark alive and all.
*Pat Benatar.
13 comments February 28th, 2006