Confusion
April 5th, 2006
So, I vowed to write more. Whee! Write more! Utter good intentions! HURRAH!
And I will. But the thing is, I am a dumb fuck, for about 1,000,000 reasons, but let’s start with this one:
I let Dr. Poland talk me into the Sleep you Down medication on Thursday, because I am a huge sucker and a giant dumbass. A GIANT DUMBASS. Can you say dumbass? I knew you could. He convinced me because he claimed it would augment my Buspar, and by the way, I’m doing FINE, anxiety-wise, so why on earth did I think I needed this? This mood stabilizer, when I’m already more stable than I’ve been in years? CAN YOU SAY DUMBASS? I am a doctor’s wet dream.
I mean, I write all about the overmedicating of America, and then I willingly sign up as a happy, stupid, completely duped participant who is actually taking medication for an off-label purpose because Dr. StrangeO PolandO says it’s a good idea. This is the same man who wants to give me a mysterious skin cream that some people think is “dangerous” and so it is only prescribed at a select few (one) pharmacy in the entire town. And blithely hands off schizophrenia meds to help me sleep. Or change my “sleep architecture,” whatever in the world that is.
Really. I’m not that bright. I’m pretty sure this is some kind of undercover expose to see how stupid patients can be, and what they’ll be duped into taking just because they’re doctor says so. I can’t WAIT to hear Diane Sawyer’s questions:
“So at no point did you wonder, ‘why is he doing this to me?’ You just blindly TOOK DANGEROUS MEDICATION?” She’ll ask in that mildly incredulous tone.
Yes. Yes, I am that dumb. I wondered, then was talked into it, then unwondered, then FREAKED OUT.
I feel like I’m on another planet. I can’t focus. It takes me hours to complete simple tasks, such as answering the phone, getting the leash on the dog and putting dishes in the dishwasher. I can’t shower in the morning because I can’t move quickly enough to get it done in time. I’m dirty. I mean, I’m pretty scary looking. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and, well, GAH. I mean, really – I can’t finish a simple sentence, and I work more than 10 or 12 hours a day at a job that usually takes me less than 7 on a really hard day. Sunny’s behavior is at an all-time low and all I can do is look at her while she chews my pants off, tries to gnaw my earlobe off and eat my nose because I’m…drugged. Like I’ve OD’d on Klonopin or something equally dulling (I’m not on Klonopin…). I just stand there, stupified, but happily out of it, like a psych ward patient on a high dose of thorazine. I might as well start drooling, and believe me, I’ve come close. Get me a faded robe and slippers and a paper cup. Nurse Cratchit is coming.
I owe people emails and phone calls (you know who you are), and I want so badly to call you back and email you, but I’m scared that I will come out like A GIANT DUMBASS. Or worse, like a slurring freak who can’t form sentences.
Oh and I can’t go off it immediately, although please God, I am DYING. Why? Oh, because its original use is to combat seizures, and immediate withdrawal can actually *cause* seizures, even in people who never had them before. And thank you, Dr. Poland, for not telling me this and MAKING ME READ IT ON THE INTERNET while I’m realizing what a huge fog I am in, as I climb through piles of syrup. So tomorrow, I could be a seizing, drooling catatonic fool in a robe and slippers. Maybe by then he’ll have called me back.
I am a dumbass. I KNOW. I AM A DUMBASS.
*New Order
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
24 Comments Add your own
1. Yesrie | April 5th, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Oh god, Jonna, please call the doc first thing in the morning and find out how you can start tapering off NOW.
2. carol | April 5th, 2006 at 8:14 pm
DUMB ASS – not you, the doctor! I totally respect mental health professionals, but this is ridiculous…why do they try to medicate and medicate for every little thing?
Get some help and get better!
3. jonniker | April 5th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Yez…I called and emailed him. I even went to my therapist today who just stared at me (while Sunny, who came with me, ate the dried carcass of a lizard in the corner, then bit my entire body from head to toe, which she NEVER DOES, but she is just…attention deprived because she has a mother who sits in front of the TV and drools…) and said, “Oh my. You are NOT yourself one bit. This is frightening.”
Yes. It really is. I’m finally myself again – now, at 11 p.m., when it’s time for my daily dose, which I cut in half in a vain attempt to wean myself off of it. I may seize, but I do not care. I almost think seizures would be preferable to this.
CAROL. God, it’s you. YOU, I am dying to call back but I never know when is a good time and honestly, I am borderline catatonic and scary, and I’d scare you, I know it. I’d also like to point out that the reason I didn’t answer the phone was that I didn’t even notice it ringing until way – WAY – after it had stopped. Like, hours. And then, when I’d noticed a message (again, HOURS LATER, LIKE LATE AT NIGHT), I thought, ‘Gee, I thought I heard it ringing earlier.’ And um, it was ON MY DESK. I’m scary. So, so scary.
4. Yesrie | April 5th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
What’s scary is a drug that’ll give you seizures if you try to stop. Scarier? That it could have that power within one week.
5. carol | April 6th, 2006 at 4:08 am
Jonna, take care of yourself. DO NOT worry about me. Just call or email when you can. Call the shrink again this morning and ask about your self-tapering regime. They must know something more. I agree with Yesrie – how can it be so powerful after less than a week?
6. shiftclick | April 6th, 2006 at 8:17 am
Well, at least you’ve got the clarity to know that something’s not right. You’re doing good to take half a pill for a few days and then maybe halfing that for a few days… then you should be fine stopping it. Give it a week to wind down. You understand that you can trust nothing on the Internet about medication unless it’s from the drug manufacturer itself, right?
7. jonniker | April 6th, 2006 at 8:24 am
Yes, this is from the manufacturer. Apparently, these side effects are rare in such low doses, but not unheard of. And I consulted the Interweb after I started having the side effects to see what the hell was going on, and that’s when I read it – that a) what I was prescribed it for was off-label and not approved yet. Off. Label. OFF LABEL. And PS, clinical trials for what it’s being used for failed MISERABLY, because of…SIDE EFFECTS and b) that I cannot, under any circumstances, abruptly go off of it because of seizures. While I normally wouldn’t think that on such an already-low dose that it could happen to me, apparently the extremity of the side effects that are happening to me are already rare on my dosage level, so why tempt fate twice?
Sorry for going off. I’m seriously so angry, I can’t see straight. And he hasn’t called me back.
And seriously, you’d have to be a fool not to think that something was wrong
8. Yesrie | April 6th, 2006 at 8:36 am
Jonna, call SOME OTHER DOCTOR.
9. winterwheat | April 6th, 2006 at 8:39 am
typing w 1 hand here… sounds like neurontin, awful stuff. i got a scrip to control nerve related back pain… they didnt tell me id become a zombie… took myself off over a few days, replaced it w aleve which worked just as well…
Okay, got my other hand back. When I was in grad school and had trouble sleeping I’d use Tylenol Nighttime, which worked pretty well.
You’re NOT stupid (!!!!!!!!!), you’re only a little desperate, which makes us try just about anything. Your intelligence reveals itself in your recognition that it’s not working out for you and that you have to find something else. Please take it easy on yourself! And remember that medical professionals work on the “no news is good news” principle: if they don’t hear from you that it’s not working, they assume all is well. Some people handle certain meds far better than others. I know a woman on Neurontin who tolerates it beautifully. Your physician doesn’t know how you’ll respond. You need to tell this guy that the side effects are not acceptable and that you need another alternative. Call and leave a message today to get the process started, okay?
10. winterwheat | April 6th, 2006 at 8:40 am
BTW, when I took myself off Neurontin I did not have a seizure! I think I took 3 days or so to taper down. I remember feeling a little unwell and uncomfortable, but not as lousy as I felt on the full dose.
I just read the previous message and saw that you already called. Good for you.
11. jonniker | April 6th, 2006 at 9:02 am
Kris, it’s Topamax. Or, as some people have referred to it as Dopamax, because it makes a great deal of people as stupid as it’s made me. I halved my dose last night, and although it’s a little better, it’s still almost noon, and I’ve been at work for two and a half hours, and I still haven’t started working yet. I’ve done a lot of staring into space and a little wandering around. I’m usually *done* with my work by now, and am working on a column for the next issue. Unreal.
I don’t do well on sleep meds of any kind. Tylenol PM makes me groggy and hungover the next day, and pretty miserable. I should have known! And really, the kicker is that I was doing FINE before I agreed to take this! Adam came home from a long biz trip to a zombie, and simply said, “Jonna, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it – why did you do this? You look awful!”
I agree. Yes, it’s stabilized my mood, but to the point where I don’t care about anything. Not even Sunny brightens my mood. I just look at her, not even interested in her little puppy breath. Adam came home after a week away, and I just shrugged. I barely noticed he was gone. How horrible!
12. Whinger | April 6th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Um…ALARMED by your doctor. Perhaps it’s time to see someone else? I agree you shouldn’t go cold turkey, though.
Seriously alarmed.
13. Parisjasmal | April 6th, 2006 at 10:21 am
J-
Please check out this doc’s credentials and do it FAST!
14. jonniker | April 6th, 2006 at 10:38 am
15. Beth | April 6th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Yikes. Something about the way your doc is throwing meds at you strikes me as unsettling. Does your psychotherapist have any suggestions about this? Maybe certain (although not all) issues could be dealt with in a less extreme manner…? I wish you the best in getting back to being yourself.
16. Sian | April 6th, 2006 at 11:36 am
J, even if he’s the best doctor in the world, it doesn’t sound like he’s very good FOR YOU. {{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} Let us know how you’re getting on with the weaning process, you’re making the right call.
17. winterwheat | April 6th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Ah, Topamax. I think this is often prescribed as an alternative to Neurontin, as both are anticonvulsants. They are also sometimes prescribed for bipolar disorder. Your description sounds like Topamax is having a Lithium-like effect on you, taking away the extremes of emotion so you’re just… empty. How awful. I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but are you a candidate for drugs like Ambien?
18. winterwheat | April 6th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
… that is, assuming you need (want) drugs for sleep in the first place…
19. jonniker | April 6th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
Oh, LOL! No, no. The idea of Topamax was that he hoped, for my snoring, that it would SLIM me down as a side effect, but in his Polish accent, I thought he was saying “sleep you down.”
I think that was his goal all along, but he talked me into it with the anxiety thing. Meanwhile, as I mentioned, I’ve had next to no anxiety compared to the past, and the Buspar was totally fine. Again, I am an idiot.
20. dissed | April 6th, 2006 at 6:27 pm
For the snoring? See an EENT specialist. Worked for me. I e-mailed Best Friend about Topamax. She’s been prescribed everything known to mankind and may have some insight, or can get some from her psychopharmacologist.
21. dissed | April 7th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Best friend’s former fiance took it for migraines, and he said it’s nasty. Hope you got through to the doctor. Seems to be a Bad Drug.
22. jonniker | April 8th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Oh L, thank you. Doctor never called me back, dickhead that he is, so I’ve spent the last few nights beginning the weaning process. I’m on a teeny drop of pill now, and tomorrow, I should be Dopamax free.
Asshole.
23. urban chick | April 9th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
my god, this sounds frightening
hope you are now off it and feeling MUCH better
UC x
24. Stop Snoring Solutions&hellip | April 23rd, 2007 at 9:24 am
patient care snoring
Forty-five percent of normal adults snore at least occasionally and
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