Careless Whisper

I’m not a jealous person, for the most part, and neither is Adam. I don’t understand women who get yanked out about who their husbands or boyfriends are talking to/working with/whatever, and I’m so thankful that he feels the same way. What a colossal waste of time and energy.

I do, however, occasionally have dreams that he is gay (I promise you, he is not) and therefore leaving me for some guy named Stan, leaving me alone and utterly helpless to change his mind because really, if he’s gay, he’s GAY. I cannot help him, because I do not have a penis and I am, therefore, completely hosed. I suppose it’s my subconscious way of fucking with myself, because deep down, it knows I’m not jealous and if it was any other way then it wouldn’t be a bad dream now, would it? And I think It knows that is the ONLY WAY to render me completely helpless and terrified, because I can’t compete. I usually wake up crying and upset with him for the rest of the day, because STAN has totally come between us, and WHY didn’t you figure this out earlier, you giant asshat? I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE STAN. The unfairness of it all leaves me weepy for an entire day.

Life is so totally unfair.

Anyway, last night, I had this insane dream that actually upset me, and all day today I’ve been angry at this poor person (actually two people) who exists, but I do not even know, and mad at Adam for sleeping with her, and even MADDER at him for apparently thinking we had an open marriage when, although we aren’t jealous types, WE SO DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE.

The hussy in question is Mighty Girl, aka Margaret Mason. Last night, she and Heather Champ and I all became friends while kiteboarding on a nearby beach, and then we all decided to get an apartment so we could kiteboard even more, and the next thing I knew, I woke up the next day in my new apartment with my new friends, and MightyGirl was all, “I had sex with Husband, bitch!” and I was all, “Liar!” and Adam was all, “No really, we did! You said it was okay to flirt and be open and I thought, why not now?” and I was all, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!” and then Heather stepped in and told me I was being completely unreasonable and really, dude, I should just chill out. And then MightyGirl’s husband showed up (played by himself, oddly. It really was B-May), and I told him about the hussiness, and he was all, “Jonniker, dude, RELAX! I’m cool with it!” and then I ran out of the house crying, because I WAS NOT COOL WITH IT, and then I woke up.

Right. Well, this is amusing for several reasons. 1) I don’t really read MightyGirl or Heather Champ on a super-regular basis, so how and why did they show up in my dream? Why bloggers, why now? Why not Whinger or Amalah or Jamie or someone I actually read regularly? Or even better, someone I actually know? I believe this demonstrates the depths to which the elderly population is sinking into my psyche, because I can’t think of a single real-life hot woman under the age of 70 in the entire state. 2) I am suddenly filled with extraordinary vitriol for MightyGirl, and this is totally, hilariously stupid, because DUH, it’s Abe’s fault, too. And, um, the first time I’ve ever been jealous of a human being and it’s practically a fictitious person in a fictitious situation, and for what it’s worth, MightyGirl seems NICE AND NORMAL and not at all like the type of hussy who’ll screw your husband and then give ‘tude. And, I’m mad at Heather, too, for just standing there and letting her friend totally huss out on my husband.

Like, furious. At everyone.

I can’t help but wonder aloud: Could this be PMS-related?

*Wham, of course.

10 comments April 11th, 2006