Careless Whisper
April 11th, 2006
I’m not a jealous person, for the most part, and neither is Adam. I don’t understand women who get yanked out about who their husbands or boyfriends are talking to/working with/whatever, and I’m so thankful that he feels the same way. What a colossal waste of time and energy.
I do, however, occasionally have dreams that he is gay (I promise you, he is not) and therefore leaving me for some guy named Stan, leaving me alone and utterly helpless to change his mind because really, if he’s gay, he’s GAY. I cannot help him, because I do not have a penis and I am, therefore, completely hosed. I suppose it’s my subconscious way of fucking with myself, because deep down, it knows I’m not jealous and if it was any other way then it wouldn’t be a bad dream now, would it? And I think It knows that is the ONLY WAY to render me completely helpless and terrified, because I can’t compete. I usually wake up crying and upset with him for the rest of the day, because STAN has totally come between us, and WHY didn’t you figure this out earlier, you giant asshat? I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE STAN. The unfairness of it all leaves me weepy for an entire day.
Life is so totally unfair.
Anyway, last night, I had this insane dream that actually upset me, and all day today I’ve been angry at this poor person (actually two people) who exists, but I do not even know, and mad at Adam for sleeping with her, and even MADDER at him for apparently thinking we had an open marriage when, although we aren’t jealous types, WE SO DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
The hussy in question is Mighty Girl, aka Margaret Mason. Last night, she and Heather Champ and I all became friends while kiteboarding on a nearby beach, and then we all decided to get an apartment so we could kiteboard even more, and the next thing I knew, I woke up the next day in my new apartment with my new friends, and MightyGirl was all, “I had sex with Husband, bitch!” and I was all, “Liar!” and Adam was all, “No really, we did! You said it was okay to flirt and be open and I thought, why not now?” and I was all, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!” and then Heather stepped in and told me I was being completely unreasonable and really, dude, I should just chill out. And then MightyGirl’s husband showed up (played by himself, oddly. It really was B-May), and I told him about the hussiness, and he was all, “Jonniker, dude, RELAX! I’m cool with it!” and then I ran out of the house crying, because I WAS NOT COOL WITH IT, and then I woke up.
Right. Well, this is amusing for several reasons. 1) I don’t really read MightyGirl or Heather Champ on a super-regular basis, so how and why did they show up in my dream? Why bloggers, why now? Why not Whinger or Amalah or Jamie or someone I actually read regularly? Or even better, someone I actually know? I believe this demonstrates the depths to which the elderly population is sinking into my psyche, because I can’t think of a single real-life hot woman under the age of 70 in the entire state. 2) I am suddenly filled with extraordinary vitriol for MightyGirl, and this is totally, hilariously stupid, because DUH, it’s Abe’s fault, too. And, um, the first time I’ve ever been jealous of a human being and it’s practically a fictitious person in a fictitious situation, and for what it’s worth, MightyGirl seems NICE AND NORMAL and not at all like the type of hussy who’ll screw your husband and then give ‘tude. And, I’m mad at Heather, too, for just standing there and letting her friend totally huss out on my husband.
Like, furious. At everyone.
I can’t help but wonder aloud: Could this be PMS-related?
*Wham, of course.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
10 Comments Add your own
1. shiftclick | April 12th, 2006 at 7:06 am
Maybe medication-related? Reading a Stephen King book? I’m reading “Black House” right now, written by SK and Peter Straub, and the plotline deals with another reality; things happen to the people in one reality that is instigated by somebody in the other reality. Reading your post made me think I need to get back to my book.
2. Jamie | April 12th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Tonight the music seems so loud, I wish that we could LOOOSSE THIS CROWD…maybe it’s better this way – we hurt each other with the things we want to say…
Hello? Oh, you’re there. Sorry – I was lost in the music.
I think that our dreams are simply the safest environment in which to sublimate any emotions that we suppress, or don’t recognize, during our conscious lives. For instance, I once had a dream that I kidnapped Noah Storch and in my dream I was really f***ed up in the head – to wit: Sean (in my dream) tried to tell me that I couldn’t just take someone else’s child from them, and I looked at him blankly like those crazy, psychotic bitches on the Lifetime movies and said “But he is meant to be mine,” in a freaky, monotone voice. The next day, I walked around in a fog, trying to shake the hot coat of shame that was all around me. Literally – I almost emailed Amalah herself to apologize. For something that I had dreamt.
Brings to mind another lovely song from my favorite pop era – “These Dreams” by Heart. Aaah, the Wilson sisters.
3. Parisjasmal | April 12th, 2006 at 8:50 am
Aha! The rare and oh so painful “dreamcheat”. That is hilarious. I am surprised Adam did not sleep with Jamie too–I mean come on..she’s a hot redhead in Chicago! Tee heeeeee!
I think Adam and Stan sound cute!
xo
Jen
4. Whinger | April 12th, 2006 at 9:12 am
I have a clear memory from childhood of this conversation between my parents:
Dad: Good morning, all! What’s for breakfast?
Mom: I am not ready to speak to you today.
D: ?
M: I am angry with you.
D: Why?
M: I don’t know. You did something awful last night in my dream, but I can’t remember what it was. But I woke up very mad.
D: You realize I did not ACTUALLY do whatever it was.
M: Yes. But I am not ready to talk to you just yet.
5. winterwheat | April 12th, 2006 at 10:02 am
Just keep an eye on his dancing; no rhythm = guilty feet.
6. carol | April 12th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Hilarious! Adam and Stan …and Adam and Mighty Girl!!! Hey – I know someone who actually knows Maggie and Heather (wonder who???) Mind if I let her in on your post (just in case she hasn’t gotten to it today.
7. jonniker | April 12th, 2006 at 10:58 am
BAAAH. Oh Carol, that’s fine. And hilarious. Poor Maggie and Heather. I hope they realize it’s not them, it’s me. Heh.
8. Amybobamy | April 12th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
SO funny. I actually dated a man who was ‘bisexual’ and was always thinking ‘shit, how do I compete with a man?’ – makes a girl insecure.
Also, I know a lot of women who wake up hitting their husbands for horrible deeds done in dreams…
9. dissed | April 12th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
Good lord.
Mine WAS gay and I never even dreamed it. There’s fair for you.
Don’t get mad, get even. Plan Your Next Dream Now.
10. Parisjasmal | April 14th, 2006 at 9:35 am
OMH Kris—-I am rolling in the floor on that one!!!!!
Oh how I loved George Michaels and Brian Boitano. I have alwasy loved men who would NEVER love me back!
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