Toxic
April 13th, 2006
I’ve started The Diet. I mean, no one likes to talk about it, right? But we all do it. I’d like to pretend that it’s for health reasons, or it’s because I’m not worried about how I look, but that’s not entirely true. I mean, it’s partially true, but the bottom line is simply this: I want to fit into my old pants. Period. Not because I want to wear my old pants, because, let’s face it, some of them haven’t been whipped out since the low-rise revolution took shape, or worse, they were purchased at the peak of the low-rise revolution and as such, barely rise above the pubic hair line. And after I lost all of the thyroid weight, I got a little lazy, and found myself eating through large piles of cheeseburgers because suddenly? I COULD. I HAD A FULL FUNCTIONING THYROID, CALORIES, SO SUCK IT.
And then, the cheeseburgers caught up with me, chasing after me and leaping onto my ass like velcro. Plus, my thyroid broke again, which renders me in need of a needle aspiration biopsy kind of thing where they plan to stick a giant needle – like, a giant giant heeyooge needle the size of the Chrysler building – into my neck to pull out some fluid from the giant cysts sitting on my thyroid. I’m not that scared, since it’s so unlikely that it’s anything, but A GIANT NEEDLE? Right. That is scary.
But anyway, the diet really isn’t the point. The point is, since The Diet, not only have I been eating lots of soup, as Whinge promised I would, but I am dining each day at the local health food store that’s next to my office. And really? I’m uncomfortable in health food stores. I can’t handle the crunchiness, for I will never be as crunchy as they are. It doesn’t matter how much hemp I wear (none), or how much Grateful Dead or Jack Johnson I listen to (very little), I will never get excited about millet flour, nor will I ever say, “The TOXINS, man. It’s the TOXINS. Dude, you SO need a shot of wheatgrass. It’ll clean you RIGHT OUT.” I want to, but I can’t. It’s FLOUR. Or wheatgrass. Gross. And I don’t even know what millet is. And sunflower sprouts are lovely, but really? WHY? Alfalfa sprouts seem fine, thanks. Despite repeated visits, I’m irked every time I leave the store, wondering how I’ve been duped into spending $7 on a bag of organic sprouted wheat chips flavored with sea salt from a sacred sea in an exotic, blessed location.
But that doesn’t stop me from going there for lunch every day for a veggie melt and a side of veggie soup because secretly, I believe some of this shit. And what’s worse? As I’m munching down, I feel somehow superior because I ATE ORGANIC TODAY, and what did you eat, suckah? Subway? I LAUGH AT SUBWAY. I smile beatifically as I order my melt and soup with organic cheese please, oh, and can I please have extra sunflower sprouts? Because I am organic and healthy and shit. And sunflower sprouts CURE DISEASE.
And constipation, apparently, for if “cleansing toxins” means “living in the bathroom,” then I AM FREE OF ALL TOXINS. UNCLE.
*Britney.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
11 Comments Add your own
1. carol | April 13th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
I’m so proud of you trying the Granola Way – it just makes me all tingly! Welcome aboard! I’ve been on the Diet for about three weeks – Boca burger EVERY day for lunch. Easter weekend is going to be a killer! Hey, it can’t be too bad – I’ve lost 7 lbs.
2. winterwheat | April 14th, 2006 at 4:46 am
ROFL! I too feel virtuous when I eat whole foods. Lately it’s been a mega mush made of all different unprocessed grains (barley, wheat, oats, amaranth, MILLET), dried cranberries and raisins, almonds, almond butter, soymilk, flax seed, and gen-yoo-wine maple syrup made by my husband’s uncle up in northern Wisconsin (you need the folksy touch to really crunchify things). The thing is, it’s FABULOUS. And yes, crunchy types are regular. That’s why they need pot to bind them up on occasion.
3. shiftclick | April 14th, 2006 at 6:33 am
You will graduate soon to the -minus the melt part, and no extra cheese. Organic it may be, but fat-saturated it is, and that’s where you’ll pack on the pounds.
I am going to start bicycling, right this minu
4. jonniker | April 14th, 2006 at 6:46 am
There will be no minusing of the melt. It’s low-fat fake veggie cheese, and even if it weren’t one really does need to live, and I can’t imagine one slice of actual cheese a day will kill you. If it did, I think I’d rather be dead.
5. keeter | April 14th, 2006 at 6:58 am
This is an interesting turn of events, for I am on The Subway Diet.
6. Yesrie | April 14th, 2006 at 8:34 am
I laugh at Subway too, but not for the same reasons:
“A ‘Spicy Italian’ with everything, please.”
“Hot peppers?”
“Yes…. [What part of 'everything' don't you understand? When did hot peppers become anti-matter?]”
“In the oven?”
“No thanks. [Hell yeah! Roasted lettuce? Mmmmm!]“
7. Whinger | April 14th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Okay, so how much do health food stores SMELL? The smell of non-preserved fruit, vitamins, and maybe barley send me right back out from whence I came.
I would say good luck on the Diet, but it’s not luck, it’s freaking work, and the Diet does not forgive slacking.
Freaking Diet.
8. shiftclick | April 14th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
OH! Jonniker, please forgive. I always make an asinine assumption when I read or hear the word “melt” along wtih sandwich or whathaveyou. SHAME on me. /beats self in head. Veggie cheese is superb. And I always asininely assume that people who eat Melts eat lots of cheese (which is my own private fantasy – I am, seriously, made of macaroni and cheese) so forgive me again. I made a cheesy ass out of myself.
9. jonniker | April 14th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
Oh, dude, Shifty, don’t be ridiculous. a) it never occurred to me that the ‘melt’ portion could be seen a la Friendly’s SuperMelt, with lots of ooey gooey cheese. Alas, it is not that exciting. It is fake cheese atop a sprouted wheat slice of bread with tomatoes, peppers and sprouts.
And b) my passion was directed solely at envisioning a life without cheese. Is such a life worth living? I think not.
10. Amybobamy | April 15th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
See, and if I could stand it, I would so do it. I have tried the ‘bean’ burgers, I have eaten the fish etc.. Living in Northern Cali had the benefit of always knowing where I could go out to eat and get health food. I wish my problem was a thyroid… I know however its just years of eating In-N-Out and really really LOVING EVERY DAMN BITE of my double double. I’ve moved away from In-N-Out and I actually mourn it.
For exercise though, if you want something FUN to do that equals exercise go for DDR! Dance Dance Revolution! I’ve also been belly dancing.
I wish you luck on your journey with this. Technically I’m still shopping at Lane Bryant but my heart wants to shop at H&M or Gap without feeling like I’m invading the ‘skinny people’ stores.
PS. I also think healthfood stores smell funny. Also I think I just did a bunch of blabbering.. sorry!
11. Jen W. | April 17th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
What is this new diet you speak of?
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