No More Words

There are some words in the English language that should just, well, never be used again. I’m not talking about the usual truly awful words like racial slurs or general Bad Words. And it doesn’t include many of the words that lots of people really really hate, like the infamous C word, or even the word I just recently learned (who says learning doesn’t continue through adulthood?), but is really and truly foul. And, conveniently, this word is also the beginning of a town in Massachusetts called “Felcherville”. We will definitely not be moving to Felcherville if we go back. Even if they give out free bunnies, dogs and rainbows with every purchase. I don’t care.

I’m talking everyday, ordinary words that people – even you, gentle readers – probably use every day, but don’t really realize how icky they really are.

Panties
Seriously? I do not wear panties. NO ONE wears panties, except for maybe pedophiles and fetishists, after they’ve gathered them from their lovers and possibly victims or, more likely, purchased in bulk on eBay from a depraved entrepreneur. I wear UNDERWEAR, thankyouverymuch, and as utilitarian as that sounds, the most diminutive I will allow the word to get is – and this is on a very magnanimous day – “undies.”

Moist
Unless you’re talking about a Duncan Hines cake, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t. It conjures visions of damp…panties…and I just can’t take it. NO MORE MOIST. And moisture? NO. NO MOISTURE. Begone! Dry is the new black!

Napkin
I can’t figure out a way around this, so I use it with utter reluctance. But I will take any and all suggestions for an alternative word, because every. single. time. someone says ‘napkin,’ the first thing that pops into my head is “sanitary,” and then, “Stay-Free,” and then I have images of plastic-y sanitary napkins, like Always. And really? That’s gross. I try not to judge anyone on their choice of feminine hygiene products, because, really, who thinks about such things? – but Always are just awful. For so many reasons. So maybe, if you use Always, don’t tell me. I don’t know if I’ll be okay with it.

Cock
For some reason, when my husband says this in anger (usually in anger to another driver on the road, to give you some context), it evokes such a visceral reaction from me, and really, it’s because it sounds so close to ‘cake,’ and I like cake, but do not like the connotation of cock and cake. Or worse, moist cake and cock. GROSS. Really, who wants to think of cake and penises (penii?) together? THEY DON’T MIX. Cake. Cock. I’ll just have cake, thanks. With frosting, sans penis.

Puberty/pubic/any pu- prefix, including public
Just…no. No pew. NO PEW. No pew-ANYTHING. PEW. NO NO NO. Again, I’m fine with the meaning, it’s the WORD. Pubic? GROSS. Crotchal? Nether-regions? Even, VAGINA? I’m a-okay with ‘em. PUBIC. No. Puberty is worse. And that includes the concept. I haven’t uttered the word in at least 10 years, and I’m not starting now. No.

Nipples
In any context, this is just…wrong. The word isn’t a turn on, it’s never appropriate, and the word grosses me out infinitely more than its actual meaning could ever dream of doing. Seriously. Banish it. Let’s call them “fleenies.” Cute word, acceptable meaning, everyone is happy. Nipples = fleenies. For reference, let’s try this: “Gee, these Victoria’s Secret bras do a great job of covering my fleenies!” and “I have fleenies the size of eraserheads! And they really wake up in the cold!”

Try saying that with the word “nipple” in place of it. Gross, right? But fleenies makes it all better! FLEENIES FOR EVERYONE! Singular is “fleeny” in case you were wondering.

FLEENIES!

*Berlin. How great were they? Metro! No More Words! Yay, Berlin! Where did you go, other than VH1? WHERE?

28 comments April 18th, 2006