No More Words
April 18th, 2006
There are some words in the English language that should just, well, never be used again. I’m not talking about the usual truly awful words like racial slurs or general Bad Words. And it doesn’t include many of the words that lots of people really really hate, like the infamous C word, or even the word I just recently learned (who says learning doesn’t continue through adulthood?), but is really and truly foul. And, conveniently, this word is also the beginning of a town in Massachusetts called “Felcherville”. We will definitely not be moving to Felcherville if we go back. Even if they give out free bunnies, dogs and rainbows with every purchase. I don’t care.
I’m talking everyday, ordinary words that people – even you, gentle readers – probably use every day, but don’t really realize how icky they really are.
Panties
Seriously? I do not wear panties. NO ONE wears panties, except for maybe pedophiles and fetishists, after they’ve gathered them from their lovers and possibly victims or, more likely, purchased in bulk on eBay from a depraved entrepreneur. I wear UNDERWEAR, thankyouverymuch, and as utilitarian as that sounds, the most diminutive I will allow the word to get is – and this is on a very magnanimous day – “undies.”
Moist
Unless you’re talking about a Duncan Hines cake, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t. It conjures visions of damp…panties…and I just can’t take it. NO MORE MOIST. And moisture? NO. NO MOISTURE. Begone! Dry is the new black!
Napkin
I can’t figure out a way around this, so I use it with utter reluctance. But I will take any and all suggestions for an alternative word, because every. single. time. someone says ‘napkin,’ the first thing that pops into my head is “sanitary,” and then, “Stay-Free,” and then I have images of plastic-y sanitary napkins, like Always. And really? That’s gross. I try not to judge anyone on their choice of feminine hygiene products, because, really, who thinks about such things? – but Always are just awful. For so many reasons. So maybe, if you use Always, don’t tell me. I don’t know if I’ll be okay with it.
Cock
For some reason, when my husband says this in anger (usually in anger to another driver on the road, to give you some context), it evokes such a visceral reaction from me, and really, it’s because it sounds so close to ‘cake,’ and I like cake, but do not like the connotation of cock and cake. Or worse, moist cake and cock. GROSS. Really, who wants to think of cake and penises (penii?) together? THEY DON’T MIX. Cake. Cock. I’ll just have cake, thanks. With frosting, sans penis.
Puberty/pubic/any pu- prefix, including public
Just…no. No pew. NO PEW. No pew-ANYTHING. PEW. NO NO NO. Again, I’m fine with the meaning, it’s the WORD. Pubic? GROSS. Crotchal? Nether-regions? Even, VAGINA? I’m a-okay with ‘em. PUBIC. No. Puberty is worse. And that includes the concept. I haven’t uttered the word in at least 10 years, and I’m not starting now. No.
Nipples
In any context, this is just…wrong. The word isn’t a turn on, it’s never appropriate, and the word grosses me out infinitely more than its actual meaning could ever dream of doing. Seriously. Banish it. Let’s call them “fleenies.” Cute word, acceptable meaning, everyone is happy. Nipples = fleenies. For reference, let’s try this: “Gee, these Victoria’s Secret bras do a great job of covering my fleenies!” and “I have fleenies the size of eraserheads! And they really wake up in the cold!”
Try saying that with the word “nipple” in place of it. Gross, right? But fleenies makes it all better! FLEENIES FOR EVERYONE! Singular is “fleeny” in case you were wondering.
FLEENIES!
*Berlin. How great were they? Metro! No More Words! Yay, Berlin! Where did you go, other than VH1? WHERE?
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Amybobamy | April 18th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
OMG, this totally made me laugh!
Cock makes me think of hard core porn or something..
Moist always makes me think of fungus..
LOL… Im still laughing..
2. Yesrie | April 18th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Oh shazbat, looks like I can’t do strikethrough characters. -This- kinda thing will have to suffice…
-Panties- U-trou.
-Moist- We must DESSICATE IT.
Napkin We always said napkin, and as a kid when I first saw a Kotex ad and it was a woman in a red skating outfit on a lake doing a pirouette and the voiceover said “napkin”, I had my first epiphany about sanity in television advertising [there is none]. And I only went 3 months before switching to Tampax & never looking back :>
Cock Aw, c’mon :> I like this word.
Puberty is okay. Well, it isn’t okay to go through :> but the word is okay. I’m with you on all the other pews. I’m Virgo about vagina, though. Too many people use it to mean the entire hoo-hah :>
Nipples Yabbut in the right company, “nips” is cute.
FLEENIES! askeered to look that up just yet =:-°
3. jonniker | April 18th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
Yez, ‘Fleenies’ is brand-new, as yet-to-be used, but now, of course, copyrighted by yours truly in this context, not that it was my original intention, because I’ve been pondering fleenies for DAYS. There will, as far as I know, be no scary definition to leap before you, other than this one. Or so I hope, because if there is? We’re at square one, baby, and I’m not about to resort to ‘nipples’ again. No sirree.
Nips. I don’t mind nips, but really, nips applies to alcohol, don’t you think? Like minis? I can’t make the fleeny context. Nips is good – like candy and mini bottles of Irish Cream. ‘Nipples’ is where it all goes downhill, even if we’re talking about Playtex and baby-feeding (not tampons! I mean the baby bottles! Yikes!).
Oh and a few informal polls say that you and I are alone in Tampax loyalty. But seriously, they just *work* better, and I’ve had the most wicked of miserable, um, cycles, to prove it (just in case the male readership -albeit small – is terrified).
4. Yesrie | April 18th, 2006 at 9:00 pm
On second reading, 1) “cock” said in anger = bad, “angry cock” = good (or at least funny); 2) must consult with hubby’s trouser-trout on the frosting issue.
5. Y | April 18th, 2006 at 10:25 pm
OMG. Moist and Nipples should be BANNED!
Get this. I once had a friend who told me that , since her hysterectomy, she was having problems “getting moist”.
I have never been ab le to look her in the eye again.
6. shiftclick | April 19th, 2006 at 12:46 am
I like fleenies. Very nice GOOD word. My no-no word is ‘titties’. I HATE that word and usually want to punch somebody out when it’s said around me; luckily it’s not a word the people I know use often.
7. carol | April 19th, 2006 at 5:36 am
I’m with you on most of these except “napkin” – it doesn’t conjure up anything negative for me – it’s probably because I say “GET A NAPKIN!!” about 20 times a day due to my kids’ poor eating habits.
Now “ass” is my word. Don’t think you’re complimenting me by referring to my be-hind as an “ass”. Nice ass – it’s just so … trucker-ish.
8. Jamie | April 19th, 2006 at 7:22 am
So I take it you don’t shop for groceries at the local Publix?
9. Yesrie | April 19th, 2006 at 8:53 am
re Felcherville: there’s always Belchertown. Or Athol… Boxborough… and the f–ks (Norfolk and Suffolk) :> Even Peabs, when people pronounce it “pee buddy”.
Also: how tiresome would it be to explain your address if you happened to live in Florida, MA?
10. Jen W. | April 19th, 2006 at 9:06 am
AHHHHH!!! I hate all of those words TOOOOO!!! I got the creeps just reading most of those words. hahahahaha
Hey, what would you think of a cake in the SHAPE of a cock? Even worse!
11. lightspeed | April 19th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
So, so, soooo agree with you on panties. Ick.
12. Amandampc | April 19th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Hilarious! “Moisture begone” – sounds like a product of some type, or a phrase one might use for pitching. PR for “eeewwww” words? And please add “tender” to the pitchlist for me; that one icks me out badly in the same manner “moist” does.
Felcherville – yuck! (To the name, of course, not the place.) I was born in a place that, among other things, was located in between the townships of Cockeysville and Dickeysville (not sure those are the right spellings, but you get the picture.) My father evidently loved mentioning that one as a party joke, announced with a perfectly straight face over a very dry martini.
13. Amandampc | April 19th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Oh, just checked – make that Dickeyville, no “s.” Like that helps!
14. Libby | April 19th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
I am so glad to hear someone else hates the word panties!!! I always inwardly cringe when I hear someone say it.
15. Fellow Eskimo | April 19th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
You seem to have a problem with alot of sexual words
16. winterwheat | April 19th, 2006 at 7:44 pm
OMG, I hate all of the same words! Women who use the word “panties” without embarrassment are the same ones who use the term “make love” to describe sex. In other words, nobody I know.
I have used the word “nipple” more times than I care to consider over the past 2 months. It’ll be refreshing to replace it with “fleeny.”
17. jonniker | April 19th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
MAKE LOVE.
Oh my god, I can’t even believe I forgot it. When I was about 12, I got a prank call from a dude saying, “Make love to me” over and over and over again. He sounded like Fozzy the Bear, and I’ve never gotten over it.
And yes, perhaps I do have an issue with sexual words. It’s just that these things must be described PROPERLY, and without…grossness…
And christ, Y, if that had EVER EVER EVER happened to me, there is a solid chance I might die. Moist. From a friend. No. Just no.
18. dissed | April 20th, 2006 at 3:12 am
Thanks, Jonna. This was the perfect beginning for my Day.
19. Whinger | April 20th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Oh I HATE moist. I also hate hate hate “sofa.” Let’s all use couch.
I am also opposed to “pu,” but I love the word, “Jew.” It’s such a good sound.
20. Sian | April 20th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
I share your objection to panties. The rest – are the correct words. They’re fine. Panties, no.
21. Parisjasmal | April 20th, 2006 at 8:55 pm
ROFL! Jamie totally already used my comment….I was going to joke about PUBLIX. I cannot stand the world clitoris. It is just vile! Blech
22. Style Bard | April 21st, 2006 at 5:56 pm
I’ve never commented before but…
“…it evokes such a visceral reaction from me, and really, it’s because it sounds so close to ‘cake,’ and I like cake, but do not like the connotation of cock and cake” LMAO, hilarious! Now I’ll never be able to hear either word again, thankyouverymuch.
I’ve heard of “panties” bothering others, but I’ve never had a problem… I really hate all slang for “breast” but “nipples” doesn’t seem any more dirty to me than “fleenies”! LOL Besides, the last thing I need to do is giggle everytime I refer to nipples.. and “fleenies” totally cracks me up!
23. Style Bard | April 21st, 2006 at 6:00 pm
(oops, I left a broken link handle there, this one is correct)
Also… have you seen the series Dead Like Me? In the premiere episode, the mom has a total problem with the word ‘moist’ so the angst-ridden teenage daughter says it just to piss her off…
I, too, love it when people try to say “Publix” for the first time and think it sounds dirty!
24. Parisjasmal | April 22nd, 2006 at 6:31 am
Fozzy the Bear–I AM CRYING!!!!!!
25. winterwheat | April 23rd, 2006 at 11:39 am
One of the funny things about having a new baby is that you come up with an endless string of nicknames. Thanks to you, our daughter is now The Fleenstress and my breast pump The Fleenerator.
26. Leah | April 29th, 2006 at 11:43 am
Did you know that there is (or was) a bakery in boston that makes naughty cakes? So the whole cock/cake thing is not just your imagination … it’s out there. Spooky.
27. Shull o' Fit | May 4th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
Scrotum….need I say more.
28. Amy K | May 15th, 2006 at 2:29 am
I feel exactly the same way about panties and moist – another awful word is “glisten.” Yuck. It’s good to find another similarly neurotic person out there.
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