Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

April 26th, 2006

Sometimes, when I think I’m being irrational, I think back to my most irrational moments and realize that really, things could be so much worse. The Diet, it’s making me a little irrational. Today in computer training at work, a colleague was eating a cookie. A giant, soft chocolate chip cookie and I swear to you, in that moment, I would have given her anything for that cookie. A kidney, Sunbun, my first-born… I haven’t had a sweet in more than three weeks, unless you could dried apricots. Which I do not, because they aren’t that sweet, and also, they have side effects.

I want a cookie. And a giant slice of cake. And a tiramisu. But whatever.

Whenever I feel myself getting nuts about something, I remember what it felt like to quit smoking and it’s all smacked into perspective. I know, I know, everyone says that, but seriously, I was bad. Insane, even. Not only was I short-tempered and anxious and generally ANNOYED at everything, but I did not care who I offended, or how my perpetual annoyance manifested itself. At all. And I was completely unaware of it.

The Annoyance reached a fever pitch at Stop ‘n Shop, which was about a half a block away from our apartment in Brookline, just outside of Boston. I was dating Adam at the time, but living with Jenny and Eve, and…basically Abe and Chris, Eve’s now-fiance, and…Pat? Stephen? Someone, whoever was Jenny’s boyfriend du jour. Six people, tiny apartment. I’d already had at least two mild episodes where I distinctly recall stomping up and down the stairs and all but accusing Eve of stealing my gym socks because JUST BECAUSE CHRIS wore Ralph Lauren socks, didn’t mean that ALL RL gym socks in the house were his and I CANNOT GO TO THE GYM WITHOUT SOCKS. I wish I were lying when I said I remember the stomping. There was a LOT of stomping over the gym socks and I think there might have been the throwing of the laundry basket in the general vicinity of a very bewildered Eve.

I assure you, I do not act like this normally, but nicotine withdrawal is something else.

So, Stop ‘n Shop. Abe and I had gone grocery shopping for our evening meal, and, after much consternation and confusion, ended up with a cart full of random groceries that may or may not help us to not smoke anymore, including carrots, grapes, Kit Kats and lots and lots of ice cream. And Coke. Two six-packs of the plastic bottles that were, apparently, on sale, and this was important, because I usually drank diet Pepsi, but because the Coke products were on sale, we got Coke. And I wasn’t happy about it, because I was LOYAL to Diet Pepsi, but they were on sale, and since I was saving so much money not buying cigarettes, why not ADD to the savings by buying Coke that was on sale? Yay, Coke! I’d be in Barbados in no time just by savings alone!

Except, it wasn’t on sale. Or rather, it was, but the scanner didn’t recognize it when we went to check out. And this? WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

“Excuse me, those Cokes are on sale. $.50 off per package. That price is wrong.”

“No, ma’am, the system would have rung them up if they were.”

“NO. They are. Re-scan them, call someone or SOMETHING, because they are. I know this.” I was getting agitated.

Since there was a line wrapped around several aisles with throngs of angry mothers staring at me in complete exasperation, because really, they just wanted to go home and have dinner with their families, she tried to appeal to my rational sensibilities and insisted, “Ma’am, please. I can’t do anything if this is what it’s scanning except call the manager, and we’re short-handed tonight, so it could be a long time. Please. Please.” She was so calm, I remember this, which makes it so much worse.

“THEN CALL THE FUCKING MANAGER. THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM.” My mind, it was gone, dreaming of nicotine.

“Please. It’s not important. Let’s just take it and go.” Abe was begging. And really, that was all the incentive I needed to go off like I have never gone off before or since, because my boyfriend was not supporting me in my time of need.

“Not important. NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT?! NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” I was near tears and worse, I was just getting warmed up.

“Abe. ABE. Every day – every single day, grocery stores are making money off of us. MONEY THEY DID NOT EARN. Companies like Coke are cashing in on our stupidity. Why? Because of FALSE SCANS. THEY LIE TO GET US TO BUY THEIR PRODUCT AND NEVER ENTER IT INTO THE SCANNER AND NO ONE NOTICES. I’ve seen this on 20/20. Barbara Walters told me. And it’s time we stand up for our rights as consumers and stop being taken advantage of.”

Here’s where my head actually spins around. I took a deep breath:

“Because we are being raped. Yes, RAPED. FUCKED UP THE ASS BY THE MAN BECAUSE OF SALES THAT WE CANNOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF. And I don’t know about you, but my anus is FUCKING TIRED OF THE ASS RAPING AND I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR THE SALE TO GO THROUGH.” I pointed to my tired, raped ass and glared at the clerk, tapping my foot impatiently.

I am not making this up.I can’t believe I am allowed in any grocery store nationwide. Miraculously, Abe didn’t yell. He didn’t scream. The line of people started slowly backing away from me in terror, moving to other lines that were even longer, because GOD, this lady could whip out a GUN, she was so crazy. He just calmly put down the rest of the groceries, plunked a $20 bill into my hand, and left me there. Just left me there screaming at the Stop n’ Shop lady about the indignities of the sodomy I’d fallen victim to, pointing to my sore ass in utter disgust.

She gave me $1 off the whole order and begged me to never come back to her line ever again. Since I still believed I was justified, I threatened to call the manager on her, and huffed off with my full grocery cart, still steaming about the indignity and humiliation and RAPING I’d just suffered at the hands of Coca Cola and Stop ‘n Shop.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized what I’d done, and come to my senses. And smoked a cigarette. It took me two more tries to quit smoking, and thank God I never did that to anyone during any of the other attempts.

It’s been five years since I stopped smoking. And now I know that I can totally live without the cookie, because this diet is NOTHING compared to that misery. And I’m still loyal to Pepsi, because damn, Coke fucked me over.

*Rufus Wainwright.

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