We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

May 1st, 2006

I like women. A large percentage of women I meet, however, do not. Many of them purport to, but their actions speak otherwise. Yet another chunk proudly state that they just get along better with men, claiming that they hate the cattiness women bring to relationships, and have a hard time getting along with other women because of it. ‘It’ is different from woman to woman – some loathe the competitiveness in relationships, money or status. Still others are dissatisfied with competition and envy related to finding a man. Whatever it is, I don’t get it, and it pisses me off quite a bit.

I’m a lousy feminist. I don’t pay enough attention to what’s going on the world, and sometimes I’m oblivious to transgressions, and even unwittingly partake in some, I’m sure. But I do notice that a lot of the time, we’re each other’s worst critics on nearly every level, for many different reasons. There seems to be a misunderstanding that there is a limited pool of success/beauty/brains/attractiveness/whatever, and behavior follows suit. The thing is, it’s NOT TRUE. Just because you’re really pretty doesn’t mean that I can’t be really pretty too. We can both be pretty! Or if you have a hot husband, I can have a hot husband too! If you’re good in bed, great! I can be great in bed too! And if you’re a good writer, then I can be too! Or a good businesswoman or WHATEVER. WE CAN ALL BE PRETTY, PEOPLE. The world is benevolent that way, and we all have enough shit thrown at us that we don’t need to be beating each other up. Let’s take the benevolence where we can get it.

And while I’m at it, if I make a choice, it’s my choice, not your choice, so can you step off? And step off everyone else’s choices? I truly believe that no one can accurately judge another person’s situation unless they can miraculously be in it through the power of body swapping, a la The Tale of the Body Thief, only without the bloody vampire stuff. Everyone is different. I’m particularly confused by this when it comes to things like mothering choices. I’m not a mother, but seriously, dude, I’m amazed to see JUST HOW WORKED UP people can get over people who choose not to breastfeed, or decide to work instead of staying home. Or stay home instead of working. Or worse, the whole sleeping discussion of crying it out vs. attachment parenting, or whatever that is. Or decide that they love women and not men. Or decide whatever it is they want or need to be successful in life and then go out and get it. I can’t speak to all of these issues, but I CANNOT understand the hostility.

I’m not sure what anyone gains from hostility, jealousy or resentment. Needless anger and frustration? The satisfaction of being right? Making someone else feel shitty for their success or lack thereof? Because I have news! Making someone else small doesn’t make you any bigger, and it’s not going to help you get anywhere. If others do well, even if it’s through a choice we would not have made, we should be happy for them. Even if it’s something we want, too, we should be happy for them. If there are smart, beautiful and successful women out there, we should be happy for that means that we, too, can be smart, beautiful and successful! I don’t need to tell you where beauty comes from, so don’t EVEN talk about comparitive thigh size. I mean, there’s SO MUCH HOSTILITY. And resentment. And jealousy. And 90% of it is for women, by women. Heaven help us.

We can all be pretty. We can all be nice and we can all be successful. So when someone else gets what you want? Take it as a sign that what you want is attainable and go out and get it. And for chrissakes, be happy for her.

*Morrissey. The man sure knows how to write a song title.

**This doesn’t apply for moments of frustration at yourself, when someone else is successful. That’s acceptable and completely understandable. I know I’m frustrated at times when I see someone else get what I want, but really, I’m pissed at me, not them, for not trying harder, or not paying attention, or slacking off. So don’t anyone take this personally. And here ends the Worst Blog Entry Ever, because I? HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK. I can’t even write an email without stuttering.

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