Ocean of War
May 8th, 2006
I went kayaking on Friday night, which was great fun, if massively exhausting, because my arms just aren’t that strong, and going with a group is SO DIFFERENT than going alone, or with one other person, because suddenly, you have to keep up. No leisurely paddling, or taking a rest to just look into the mangroves and see what birds might pop out, or whether you can see any dolphins or manatees* in the distance. No. Instead, you are stuck frantically paddling to keep up with this super-brawny, ginormous tour guide who keeps screaming at you to stay away from the birds, because they are trying to eat dinner, and how would it feel if you were casually sitting at your dinner table and GIANT PEOPLE came up, bearing oars? YOU WOULD BE TERRIFED, THAT’S WHAT, SO HUSTLE UP THERE AND QUIT DAWDLING. You know, she was really nice. And also, relaxed and not at all tightly wound. Or yelly.
What she didn’t understand is that we were next to the birds because WE COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO PADDLE AWAY, because we are inept kayakers who were about to be washed out to sea in the wake of a giant yacht, arms waving and paddles clashing while she just screams at us about the fucking endangered blue herons. And this – THIS is why I’ve only ever gone kayaking in shallow estuaries and not the open ocean, because the open ocean is very very scary. And those dolphins in the distance? Are NOT in the distance when the water is deep, THEY ARE RIGHT THERE, and in fact, when one came up to my kayak and bumped it, instead of casually observing its lovely little face (face! THE FACE! WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME!) I screamed, “JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST IS THAT A SHARK?!” and scared the shit out of the dolphin, who swam away screaming, “JESUS CHRIST IS THAT AN ASSHOLE ON A KAYAK?” and went home and hugged her children veryvery tightly, because there are scary people in this world who don’t know how to kayak OR observe nature, and who must be stopped. I sense that the next time I go out on the kayak, I will be swarmed by angry, vengeful dolphins, and I will try to apologize by not screaming at them.
Anyway. When I got home, I was wet and sandy, as usual, and stripped down near the laundry room and went to the bathroom, because when you are on a kayak for three hours, you HAVE TO PEE. In fact, I had to pee so badly, that all I could think about is how badly I had to pee. And then, you know, because I was so caught up in the relief of it all, I ignored important details, like how my crotch was filled with sand from launching the kayak into the ocean and that little time I spent swimming before I hopped into the kayak. And maybe, um, I just went ahead and took a nice big swipe of toilet paper along my sandy little precious area and SCRAPED A HUNDRED BITS OF SAND ALONG MY PRIVATES THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED SOME, um, MILD BLEEDING AND SEARING PAIN. And then, there was screaming and crying because seriously, WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME? I was pretty sure that I was having some sort of rare parasitic attack or infection, and I started running around the house screaming that sea chiggers had attached themselves to my vagina and I was doomed – DOOMED. CREATURES WERE EATING AWAY AT ME. And Adam was away on business, so I actually debated calling 911, because it was just a matter of time before I was eaten alive by the evil sea infestation, and clearly I was powerless to stop them.
Yes. 911. For sand in my crotch. Thank heaven for the small mercy of remembering the sand before I called an ambulance.
But still, there is PAIN. Quite a bit of it, in fact. I walk around like I’ve just come off of a cross-country horseback ride. I CANNOT HELP IT. The pain. I avoid going to the bathroom until I just CAN’T HOLD IT ANYMORE.
This was no-doubt in the master plan of those dolphins. The fucking bastards.
*An important note to tourists. Everyone thinks that seeing manatees is going to be SO COOL, because they are big sea cows, and very cute and very endangered. National Geographic has done a brilliant job here, and the first time you see a manatee, you think it is going to be this GIANT TRANSFORMING, MAGICAL EXPERIENCE. And it’s just not that way. They are so giant and docile that they just float along like big old sacks of potatoes, and I’m convinced that if there were an actual sack of potatoes floating next to a manatee, you would not be able to tell the difference. Sorry to burst manatee-loving bubbles everywhere.
**The Samples
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
12 Comments Add your own
1. jes | May 8th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Number One: For the life of me, I cannot find the second asterisk – nay – double asterisk, and therefore I do not know what “The Samples” is referencing. Pray tell.
Number Two: “I was pretty sure that I was having some sort of rare parasitic attack or infection, and I started running around the house screaming that sea chiggers had attached themselves to my vagina and I was doomed – DOOMED. CREATURES WERE EATING AWAY AT ME.” This sentence? I nearly fell off my chair laughing. I’m totally going to have to think of an entry that I can write and use that as my entry title. And I’ll give you all the credit.
And then I’ll have to call my mother-in-law and apologize, while laughing.
2. jes | May 8th, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Oh my gosh.
This entire time I’ve been reading your site, this entire time, I thought the “B I W X” was some special comment verification word that I mysteriously never had to type to post my comments. I thought this was because you really liked me and so you told WordPress that I didn’t need to verify myself.
I just realized that it is Bold Italic Website and X. I still haven’t figured out X. Though I think it might have something to do with Delete. Shouldn’t that be a “D”?
Just asking.
3. jonniker | May 9th, 2006 at 5:32 am
LOL, Jes. You are funny. And might I admid that I wasn’t sure until I had this blog for a VERY VERY long time?
The asterisk denotes where I got the title of the post from. For some reason, a long time ago, I started naming my posts after songs I know, love or can’t get out of my head. The Samples sing “Ocean of War.” I know it’s nonsensical, but I’ve gotten very attached to it, and now, for some reason, it’s the only way my mind works.
4. winterwheat | May 9th, 2006 at 6:26 am
I too have swum with manatees, and you’re right, they’re pretty ugly. But gentle. Like Quasimodo. I scratched one on the belly, then promptly kicked the ocean floor where a shell fragment lodged itself under my toenail and caused a major infection.
Did you get seasick while kayaking? It happens. If not, I’m glad your crotchabrasion treatment wasn’t compounded by nausea.
5. Christine | May 9th, 2006 at 8:07 am
Congrats on surviving the vaginal trauma without a trip to the ER.
And ditto on the manatees, my parents live not too far outside of Orlando by a Spring where we see them. But the dolphin (!) that would be an exciting experience if one could manage without screaming.
6. Claire | May 9th, 2006 at 10:10 am
This has to be the funniest things i’ve read in a long time. I AM sorry that you scared yourself and HURT yourself (my god, i couldn’t imagine what that’s got to feel like), but really – hysterical what with the ‘sea chiggers’ and all… HA!
7. Whinger | May 9th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Mean, hateful dolphins.
I also feel that way about the manatees. Loveable in the movies.
8. Lara | May 9th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
Ha! Ha! Ha! I once called the CDC (Center for Disease Control) to ask a cooking/food poisoning related question. I’m very proud of you for not calling 911 about your sandy crotch. Hee!
I adore the Samples.
9. Jen W. | May 10th, 2006 at 8:33 am
Holy shit that was funny. Next time you go kayaking, you have to bring Adam and have a 2 person kayak. Sit in front and make Adam paddle the whole time. That’s what I do, and it’s quite enjoyable that way!
I’m sure the dolphins were all, “DUDE! You should have seen the crazy person on the kayak!” hahahaha
When Mark and I kayaked up a river in Jupiter, we came across the BIGGEST EFFING ALLIGATOR I HAVE EVER SEEN. Just chillin on sandbar directly in front of us. I’ve never been so scared in my life, and when you’re just sitting in a little plastic kayak next to the biggest jaws you’ve ever seen, it’s like you’re a traveling buffet line for them.
10. Jaidnoire | December 17th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
OMG. Yes, I am over a year late on this post but I just found your blog and am catching up thru the archives.
I am at work and I had to walk away from my desk 3 times to keep myself from totally laughing out loud. I am literally in tears.
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