Not the Doctor
May 9th, 2006
I didn’t go to the doctor for a really long time before I moved here. A large part of it was that I worked too damn much, and really, who has time to take care of their health when there are press releases to be written! Investors to call! MEDIA TO RELATE TO! And so, I neglected my health, like so many overworked, Type-A fools.
And really, after having the kind of doctor experiences I’ve had lately, I’m starting to think that approach was a *little* bit better. I felt a hell of a lot better when I wasn’t going to weekly doctor appointments, and being diagnosed on a near-constant basis with something new, ranging from benign maladies like allergies and eczema, to more severe, chronic conditions like anxiety, asthma and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.
Kris, has already written an astonishingly wonderful account of exactly what I’m feeling, but yet, I feel compelled to add more fuel to the fire because, well, I’m fucking pissed off. Thyroid disease is an oft-misdiagnosed, deceptively hard-to-treat chronic illness, and it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to many doctors, because you just stick ‘em on Synthroid, and off they go! FIXED!
And it’s pointless to explain the mechanics except for this basic background: Hashimoto’s is an auto-immune disorder that basically means that my thyroid is being destroyed by my own body, and as part of this destruction, stops working in increments, as parts of it are eaten, my dose of synthetic hormones need constant adjustment. And it also gets rather large and swell-y and cyst-y. And sometimes, those cysts get really big. And sometimes, there are other masses, that aren’t benign and friendly and fluid-y like cysts, but are mean, ugly and cancerous! And angry! But those are very, very rare and highly uncommon – like less than 2 percent of all thyroid masses are cancerous. Really.
Thyroid hormones control basically everything – from our menstrual cycles to our metabolism to our thought processes. Hashimoto’s can cause hair loss, depression, anxiety, high cholesterol, weight gain, menstrual problems and heart palpitations, and that’s just scratching the surface. (I’ve had them all, for the record, or so it seems, except for high cholesterol, and it sucks). And sometimes, despite treatment, you’re not fixed, because it’s so squishy, and it changes all the time based on bodily circumstances – anything from weight to the speed with which your disease progresses can mean you need an adjustment in synthetic hormone. And worse, doctors don’t agree with the best approach or what is ‘normal.’ And if you’re trying to get pregnant, or are pregnant? Forget it. A whole new set of rules. God, and it’s all so NEBULOUS. And hard to fix. End background.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago after having an ultrasound to look at my ever-growing thyroid and was referred to (yet another) endocrinologist. Apparently I have two abnormally giant cysts that may or may not be angry, but are likely friendly, as 99% of them are! Happy! Full of molasses! After I arrived, it became clear that my new endocrinologist had never looked at my chart before, and didn’t realize that the radiologist who did my ultrasound wrote an ambiguous interpretation that could either mean happy! shiny! cysts! or could mean angry! bitter! solid! masses! and GOSH, we should call that radiologist, right, maybe before we treat the patient and see if she needs a biopsy? Except, see, that radiologist? Was unavailable, but promised to call back in five minutes, which in doctor speak means, “the twelfth day of never.” Meanwhile, Endo was telling me that GOD, with the size of these cysts they are probably malignant (not necessarily true), and when I suggested that thyroid cancer is usually well-contained for a very long time, so might I be okay, even if it’s malignant, he replied:
“Um, not necessarily. I mean, let’s face it, you could have had this since you were 15, and it could have metastasized everywhere by now. What do you want me to say? Yes, you could be in very bad shape. That’s just the way it is.”
I need to remind you that no one even knows if I have a mass or a cyst, and even if it’s a mass, PS, it’s STILL more likely than not to be benign and thyroid cancer IS VERY TREATABLE. But it’s okay. It’s metastasized and I’m near death, so why not give up now? I should just slit my wrists and move on.
He followed this little gem with, “You have acne. BAD. My guess is that you might have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Which isn’t good either, and might mean you’re infertile.”
Based on acne. ACNE. But who cares if I am infertile, because I am dying! DYING! RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK. I may not be alive in the morning, you know. Just saying.
Despite four phone calls to determine the status of the rogue radiologist, Endo still hasn’t called me back. Which is unacceptable, given that your patient is apparently dying of metastasized thyroid cancer she’s had since she was 15, based on an inconclusive ultrasound.
Fucker.
I waited an HOUR to see this asshole. And this is what healthcare has become. This isn’t unusual, and while it’s unacceptable, it’s not as uncommon as we’d all like to think. While healthcare in the US is better than other countries, we’re still stuck with HMOs and managed healthcare, and squeezed patient time, and doctors who just don’t give a shit. It’s common. I’d like to think this is abnormal, but it’s common. I have friends with countless stories just like this, from all over the country. One of my friends was told she likely had herpes, but GOD, the doctor just didn’t have time to deal with her right now, so could she come back later? This caused quite a stir with my friend and her boyfriend of five years, as you can imagine. Turns out? She had a laundry allergy in an unfortunate location. But the doctor was throwing herpes around like Wonka bars with no follow through. It happens.
And it’s unacceptable. And for the record, I don’t think I’m dying, and I don’t think I have cancer – I think he was just trying to scare me for the fucking fun of it, because he is an insensitive cocksucker, and even though I hate that word, sometimes IT MUST BE USED. Because, thank God, I am an informed patient who knows my odds, knows my treatment and knows what to look for, shitty doctors be fucking damned. But what if I wasn’t? I’m sure someone out there isn’t, who’s been near suicide because of someone like him.
I’m going to be fine. I am fine. I cannot say the same for this doctor. I just can’t. Because there may be an ass beating heading directly for him.
I will kill that doctor! Kill him! Don’t think I can’t do it! AM STRONG PUG!
*Alanis Morissette. Because that’s just how angry I am. And really, I’m not making this up. After the Dr. Polando thing and the Topamax, you’d think I was some kind of magnet for bad healthcare, or completely neurotic, but I assure you, I am not. This is what is actually happening to me. And, to keep this positive, I hasten to add that my primary care physician is *amazing*. An old-time family doctor who remembers me, knows my husband, takes as much time as I need, and actually cares. In this respect I am more fortunate than most.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
22 Comments Add your own
1. jes | May 9th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Wow. You’re dying! Based on ultrasounds and acne!
Based on his assessment, I’m also infertile. And, have you seen the size of that zit on my back? It totally just popped up out of, like, no where and it’s threatening my life, what with all that bigness and soreness and REDness.
Red! I know! I feel like I’m in high school all over again!
2. Lara | May 9th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
WHAT? the FUCK???!?!?!?!! I think it’s time for me to head to Florida and kick some endocrinologist ASS.
Fuckers.
3. Yesrie | May 9th, 2006 at 8:27 pm
=8-O
Come back to Boston, stat. :-\ They’re assholes up here, too, but I think they’re on better behavior since we’re, y’know, famed for good medicine. ML after some meditation :>
4. jonniker | May 9th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
For chrissake, Jes, GET TO THE DOCTOR. THAT ZIT IS KILLING YOU.
Lara, I know. I KNOW. THE HATRED.
And you know, Y, I want so badly to agree with you because I ADORE Boston, but I had so much of the same shit up there, too. It’s just…unfortunate. Everyone is too busy to really care or realize what they’re doing. Or sometimes, they’re just assholes. And alas, Dr. Polando is renowned. Famed, even. As is this fucking endocrinologist (he has a syndicated newspaper column. Heaven help us.)
5. jes | May 9th, 2006 at 9:26 pm
Hi. This is me, pissed off. Because I just wrote an entire introduction entry for a new column I am going to be writing, and I’m a loser, LITERALLY, because I lost it and can’t remember what in the world I even said in the first place, AND IT WAS LONG.
So. I suck. And for some reason, I thought this would be the appropriate place to get sympathy, especially with your response to my zit.
6. carol | May 10th, 2006 at 4:36 am
I can add to your list of stories…I went in with facial numbness (on both sides of my face which rules out all the common stuff) and this general doc seemed soooo busy and soooo annoyed. He threw out the words MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS like most people say, Pass the butter.
Doctors suck and almost two years later we still don’t know, but it isn’t MS. He did exactly what you said….scared me to death and made the waiting unbearable.
I hope you find answers and a better doctor. thinking of you!!
7. Claire | May 10th, 2006 at 6:21 am
WHAT?? WTF?? Who does that? Who with any kind of human-like qualities is that unsympathetic to their PATIENT’S feelings?? Where do they churn out doctors like this??
Jonniker, that was really f-ing disturbing to read and i am so sorry that someone (quite flippantly) put you through that (you, too Carol – MS? christ.) I guess this is why it is SO important to do your own research and be prepared BEFORE you go to the doctor.
Um, because they’re assholes. Wow.
8. Dave | May 10th, 2006 at 6:22 am
Maybe he’s one of those “underpromise and overdeliver” types, and won’t you be elated when all the doom and gloom turns out to be nothing. Or maybe he’s just hoping all this will cushion the blow when he recommends a headectomy.
9. jonniker | May 10th, 2006 at 8:59 am
Jes, I have been there more times than I can count. I’m so sorry. Once, at the job from hell, I promised a GIANT report before I left. At midnight, I finished it, all pleased as punch and ready to get it out. Except, my PC crashed and I lost it. The whole freaking thing. I stayed up until 5 a.m. trying to recreate it, which I did, rather poorly, and then spent my entire vacation half-asleep because I was so damn tired.
I feel for you. What’s the column for? I love writing columns! (it’s what I do now, thank God).
10. Arabella | May 10th, 2006 at 9:05 am
If I wasn’t so concerned that those velvety ears would get mussed-up, I’d say, yes, go get him Sunny.
Very angry on your behalf.
11. Yesrie | May 10th, 2006 at 9:23 am
This also reminds me of the (bazillions of) TV ads for drugs: “Tell your doctor if you have heart disease”. Because your doctor would have no way of knowing that. {{{locks self in rubber room until tantrum plays itself out}}}
12. Whinger | May 10th, 2006 at 10:09 am
Dear Lord!
Our health plan at my work comes with a healthcare counselor, who, when you feel you’re not getting the best possible care, will go to bat for you.
Do you have such a thing? Because mine rocks and has gotten all KINDS of doors opened for people ’round here.
13. Jennifer | May 10th, 2006 at 10:38 am
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism back in 1991. They never were sure how it all got started and it’s been a constant battle to keep levels in check. Nothing helps develop your inner bitch as well as an HMO because really, the only person who will really manage your care is yourself. It sounds like you have all the info you need – now you just need to get an endo that isn’t an ass. What is it with docs with attitude problems? I just had one tell me that he wasn’t going to give me any restrictions after very minor back surgery because, “I need to enjoy the time that I have”. Ass.
14. -R- | May 10th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
I can’t believe how horrible that must have been and how calm you are about it! That is so ridiculous and just mean!
15. jes | May 10th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
Oh! You write columns now? That means I am so envious of you! I want to be you, what with the writing columns and the swimming with sacks of potatos and screaming at the dolphins and dying of the medical-situations that we don’t really know anything about. Yes! That envious.
The column, which is not so much a column as it is a blog (but sort of like a column because it’s for a start-up career-placement-related-type company and also sort of like a column because it must be somehow work-related, or I must at least alude to the fact that I do work, but then again more like a blog because at this point I’m not actually getting paid for it, and therefore I’m totally overusing the italics and wondering why I’m doing it if MONEY ISN’T INVOLVED), is located at >>>>>. But only located there tenatively, because that is what they told me so apparently it may change. And, also, they asked me for my blogroll, and I laughed because ARE THEY SERIOUS? I READ, LIKE, SO MANY BLOGS A DAY. I DON’T THINK THEY REALLY WANT A LIST. So I gave them my top eight, and YOU (Yes! You!) were on that list.
Are you jumping up and down, holding your paper doctor’s office gown closed with one hand, margarita in the other?
16. jes | May 10th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
Ha! Such a genius am I. The Blog, it’s not really located at >>>>>. The true address is HERE.
17. Christine | May 10th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
What in the fuck?
I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know how much you know about thyroid disease, but it seems like you’re pretty well versed. My 22 year old younger sister had a portion of her thyroid removed when she was 12 because a doctor scared the crap out of my mother throwing around the big C-word. Needless to say, no cancer there…But my sister’s is pretty under control as far as I heard last…but not without much in the way of research. If you ever want to bounce ideas off another thyroid sufferer/synthoid taker, you can shoot me an email and I’ll give you hers.
stupid effing doctors.
18. winterwheat | May 10th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
I emailed you about the ‘roid stuff, but I just have to add here that Sunny’s picture is cracking me up. She looks like a deep sea fish.
19. greeneyes | May 11th, 2006 at 7:44 am
I hate that you are sick because you are so unbelievably entertaining…I feel sort of bad about enjoying your posts so much. But you are hilarious, and also right on the money. My stepmother (I understand you know all about stepmothers) was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s about three years ago, after spending a good fifteen years on a rollercoaster, taking every drug known to man for depression and anxiety and sleeplessness. And even after being diagnosed, she’s still on a rollercoaster, although she is now on–ahem, pig thyroid (which was actually standard treatment until they developed the synths…she read about it on the Internet and had my dad drive her out to west Texas…I’m picturing a trailer in the middle of nowhere, pigs squealing in a pen…”Come on in, Ma’ll slaughter you a good one!”, but apparently it’s all on the up-and-up, and in a real office), but it’s still touch and go.
I heard on NPR yesterday that doctors get worse the longer they are out of medical school…really, I was shocked. NOT. The medical industry has wreaked havoc with my family (and not just with stepmother, but that’s another show). Stay angry! (In a healthy way, of course.)
20. Lena | May 18th, 2006 at 7:11 pm
How in the hell did you make this subject matter so freaking hilarious???
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