Walking on Broken Glass

First, thanks for the emails, the comments, the everything. Thank you. The doctor is indeed, a cocksucker, but I think it will turn out okay. He did call me back today, and unfortunately, I have a “mass that doesn’t look good” so there will be a biopsy, maybe by someone else. I’m working on that part. This was delivered by a cheerful, irreverent nurse who said ‘biopsy’ and ‘bad mass’ the same way normal people say ‘cotton candy!’ and ‘ooh! Disney World!’ But really, it will be okay. No cancer yet, and really, thyroid cancer is usually well-contained, despite talk of 15 year old metastatis. Fuck it.

Yesterday, after the Day from Hell, I came home to find that Cappy had some poop in his bloomers. And really, who doesn’t want to end their day with cat poop? He STUNK to high heaven, so there I was, ever the patient mother, wiping his bum with baby wipes. Fabulous. We went out to dinner and were casually eating happily, when Adam looked at me oddly and said,

“Is that chocolate on your boob? What’s that smell?”

I don’t need to tell you that it wasn’t chocolate. I was wearing a shirt covered in cat poop in at least four places. And the shirt was white. CAT POOP. I mean, honestly.

In other gross news, we had our first doggie obedience school tonight with the Sunnmeister. Not only was my little darling the worst in the class (“Sit, Sunny! SIT!” *blank stare* “Heel Sunny!” *runs off barking in direction of sexy bull terrier*), but there was a puppy there with worms, who ate a little too close to class time. A lovely little puppy who puked said worms ALL OVER THE TRAINING SITE. And have you ever seen puppy wormpuke? It is as bad as you can imagine. The worms, they move. THEY MOVE AROUND IN THE PUKE. And guess who threw up at the sight and smell of the wormy puke?

You thought I was going to say Sunny. HA! No. She was too busy trying to eat it while I frantically pulled her away. Um, no, the puker would be me. Vomiting like a diseased banshee behind the bushes, after screaming, “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MOVING OH MY GOD SOMEONE SAVE US THIS IS THE GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. SUNNY GET AWAY FROM THAT PUKE OR I WILL DIE DIE DIE OH MYGAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDD.”

I’m not sure we’re welcome back next week.

I told you I was the only sane one here. I TOLD YOU. YOU NO LISTEN.

*Annie Lennox. You know.

13 comments May 10th, 2006