Walking on Broken Glass
May 10th, 2006
First, thanks for the emails, the comments, the everything. Thank you. The doctor is indeed, a cocksucker, but I think it will turn out okay. He did call me back today, and unfortunately, I have a “mass that doesn’t look good” so there will be a biopsy, maybe by someone else. I’m working on that part. This was delivered by a cheerful, irreverent nurse who said ‘biopsy’ and ‘bad mass’ the same way normal people say ‘cotton candy!’ and ‘ooh! Disney World!’ But really, it will be okay. No cancer yet, and really, thyroid cancer is usually well-contained, despite talk of 15 year old metastatis. Fuck it.
Yesterday, after the Day from Hell, I came home to find that Cappy had some poop in his bloomers. And really, who doesn’t want to end their day with cat poop? He STUNK to high heaven, so there I was, ever the patient mother, wiping his bum with baby wipes. Fabulous. We went out to dinner and were casually eating happily, when Adam looked at me oddly and said,
“Is that chocolate on your boob? What’s that smell?”
I don’t need to tell you that it wasn’t chocolate. I was wearing a shirt covered in cat poop in at least four places. And the shirt was white. CAT POOP. I mean, honestly.
In other gross news, we had our first doggie obedience school tonight with the Sunnmeister. Not only was my little darling the worst in the class (“Sit, Sunny! SIT!” *blank stare* “Heel Sunny!” *runs off barking in direction of sexy bull terrier*), but there was a puppy there with worms, who ate a little too close to class time. A lovely little puppy who puked said worms ALL OVER THE TRAINING SITE. And have you ever seen puppy wormpuke? It is as bad as you can imagine. The worms, they move. THEY MOVE AROUND IN THE PUKE. And guess who threw up at the sight and smell of the wormy puke?
You thought I was going to say Sunny. HA! No. She was too busy trying to eat it while I frantically pulled her away. Um, no, the puker would be me. Vomiting like a diseased banshee behind the bushes, after screaming, “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MOVING OH MY GOD SOMEONE SAVE US THIS IS THE GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. SUNNY GET AWAY FROM THAT PUKE OR I WILL DIE DIE DIE OH MYGAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDD.”
I’m not sure we’re welcome back next week.
I told you I was the only sane one here. I TOLD YOU. YOU NO LISTEN.
*Annie Lennox. You know.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
13 Comments Add your own
1. Yesrie | May 10th, 2006 at 8:59 pm
I knew you weren’t going to say Sunny, because I am a dawg owner :> so I was pretty sure what she’d do (and we’ve had the Cessna-spew conversation, I believe). Ralphing is the only sane response to puppy wormpuke, I say.
And yes, Fuck It, I say, to the 15 year old metastatis idea and the horse it rode in on.
ROTFL on the “chocolate” :>
2. jes | May 10th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Wait. When a dog has worms, and that dog vomits, THERE ARE ACTUALLY WORMS IN SAID VOMIT? WORMS THAT ARE ALIVE? WORMS THAT MOVE?
That is about the most disgusting thing I have ever imagined in my life. I’m totally going to have to go take a hot shower now and scrub my skin raw.
3. carol | May 11th, 2006 at 4:15 am
ok…the cancer thing is FREAKING me out. The vomit, not so much – I’m a mom.
4. Lara | May 11th, 2006 at 6:38 am
EWWWWWW. I am so grossed out on your behalf! Your vomituous (a word. I swear!) reaction is completely understandable.
As for the “mass” – I’m hoping the doc is even more of a moron than first suspected. I wish I could take you out for ten martinis today.
5. jes | May 11th, 2006 at 7:05 am
Ooooh! TEN martinis! Yum.
6. Jen W. | May 11th, 2006 at 9:13 am
Good lord, what a day…Please let us know what happens. As far as wormpuke and cat shit go, that’s just AWFUL.
7. Sian | May 11th, 2006 at 10:38 am
Jonna, keep us posted and PAH! to the 15 year old metastasis. Goodness, I feel like coming over to Florida and giving them all people skills training!
Eugh about the worms.
8. Whinger | May 11th, 2006 at 11:48 am
Thoughts are with you and opposed to the Bad Mass.
And just when I thought Sunny couldn’t be more loveable, you show me yet another adorable picture. Love Sunny.
Gross on the worm puke.
9. Jamie | May 11th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
You show me a person that WOULDN’T puke at the worm vomit, and I’ll show you a liar.
10. Catherine | May 11th, 2006 at 5:38 pm
My friend had thyroid cancer. Went through the surgery, follow up treatment, felt like shit and glowed in the dark for a while, and came through fine and is healthy and happy today. The Worst Case Scenario is bearable and the treatment isn’t long and ugly, unlike many other kinds of the C word. Don’t panic. You survived actual live wiggling worm puke and a lovely dinner with cat shit on your shirt, everything else is doable.
Don’t get me started on the “WTF is wrong with so many people in the medical profession” rant. I could tell stories for HOURS.
11. Claire | May 12th, 2006 at 6:27 am
wow, jonniker. i’m so sorry about the mass – thoughts are with you..
Worm vomit and worm poop are probably the most disgusting thing EVER. Luckily my pups have never had that problem because i would NOT be able to clean up after them. EW..
12. Jonniker. » Candy&hellip | July 1st, 2007 at 8:05 pm
[...] And finally, remember how I said that poop is always funny? It turns out, there are times that while it might be funny, its inherent humor is outshined by sheer dumbassery. Take, for example, this afternoon, when I walked into the laundry room–where the cat’s litter box is housed, by the way–and gleefully picked up what I assumed was a chocolate chip. Look! A chocolate chip! Never mind that I don’t have any chocolate chips in my house, nor would there likely be one in our laundry room, but that didn’t stop me from picking it up and–well, I don’t even know what I was planning on doing with it. But it was most definitely not chocolate, and in fact, was a stray blob of cat poop. And need I remind you that this was the second time one of us mistook cat poop for chocolate? [...]
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