We’re Not Right
May 16th, 2006
My attitude has changed, of late, and I don’t know why. I think between the cancer thing, and the whole idea that life is short, and wasting even one second is laughing in the face of life, I realized that no matter how much I hate Florida, or want to poke pointy things in people’s eyes when I meet them and they have no personality or are so right-wing that they reference the Bible within 20 seconds of meeting me, that my life is great, I should shut the hell up.
Because it’s all good. Life is quite grand, and seriously, I have absolutely no right to complain about one thing. Well, maybe the tumor thing, but whatever. My mom told me recently that someday I’d look back on this time and think of all the time I had to read books, write and just relax. And dude, she is SO RIGHT. This life is amazing, and I should be happy about it. And I can say now, that I really am.
I am so happy. I have a husband who makes me laugh every day, and just now turned to me in my dirty sweats and ancient Celtics T-shirt and said, “I love you so much. I mean, I love you very, very much. You’re it.” And I love him that much, too, because he’s nothing short of wonderful, and I want the whole world to find someone like him, because I really think we’d all be a lot happier. Dude, I’m it to someone, and he’s it to me. People live their whole lives to have one minute of that.
And I never would have had a second of that if I hadn’t quit my job, because I was to goddamn busy to notice a lick of it. And you know, it’s a supercrying shame that this kind of life isn’t valued in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes, I get up and think, “What the fuck am I DOING?”
I exchanged emails with an old colleague today, and he snidely let me know what I was missing (Excitement! Acquisitions! INTEGRATIONS!) and asked how I was enjoying “retirement.” Because, of course, there mustn’t be anything left to life unless we are busy and important and living corporate lives. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that when we work like that, it’s so easy to lose who we are – there is only so much energy to go around.
I mean, really, what am I doing? I’m not really accomplishing anything important, though I was pretty sure that by now, I’d have done SO MUCH to improve society. There would be novels! Gourmet meals! CURING VARIOUS AND SUNDRY DISEASES! Massive contribution to society!
I’m volunteering, but not nearly as much as I should. But other than that, I’m doing pretty much none of those things. I mean, really, not even one of them, really, and I think I’m okay with that, although sometimes it gets to me. But there’s a lot of things that have gotten better – so much better, that while I’m pretty sure I’m not worthy of it, I don’t know how I lived the other way. While I’m not really accomplishing a single thing in the grand scheme of things, I can say with absolute certainty that I’m a better person.
Yes, yes, I’m still not sending wedding gifts or birthday gifts or cards or…ANYTHING out on time, I suck at returning phone calls and emails and GOD, it took me so freaking long to get someone to watch the cat for our vacation, but I laugh a little more every day. I’m nicer to people. I notice things about other people, like new haircuts and whether they said something smart or did a kind act for someone else, and I appreciate it. I’m freer and more genuine with my compliments – I’m genuinely happy for other people who do well, and I seek them out to tell them so. I never did that before. I was too busy trying to figure out how to insert the nearest razor blade into my eyeballs to distract me from the pain of actual life.
And here’s what’s kind of fucked up: I feel totally guilty about this sometimes – okay most times. I should be accomplishing more. Working more. I should be doing something more important, because even though I was miserable and overworked and miserable, I felt important, even though I wasn’t doing anything more important than pushing papers around.
Earning my keep, because life isn’t supposed to be this way and there are people who have it a lot harder. I love my job. It makes people so happy, and I get more satisfaction out of it than I ever thought I would. When people see their picture in the paper, or get their spaghetti dinner included in whatever we’re running that week, they are so happy.
And I am, too. And I don’t deserve it, and I hate that living like this, and being a nice person isn’t valued enough for everyone to be able to do it, and then I feel guilty that I can and unworthy and ANNOYED and inarticulate, because this didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. And then I hate the economy and corporations and workhorse mentality of our country. It brainwashes the living shit out of us, sometimes, and makes us forget what’s really important. How bloody infuriating.
Oh and by writing this? I feel fairly certain I’m jinxing myself. Healthy!
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
11 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | May 16th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
I am glad you have found a way to be happier. I understand the guilt-feeling because sometimes I feel like I should be doing more for the world or for myself…
I had a conversation at work a while ago where my boss could not fathom why someone was leaving our company to work for less money. He just could not understand why making as much money as possible would not be the motivating factor for everyone. It made me sad for him.
2. carol | May 16th, 2006 at 8:11 pm
Shit – just give yourself a break. If you want to keep score, then look back on all the crap your step mom put you through…maybe this is your “payment” for all the earlier bad stuff. J – happiness is. It just is. Accept it and don’t ruin it by attaching all this guilt. You are a great person – community service, volunteering, saving whales or not – you’re still a great HAPPY person.
3. Amybobamy | May 16th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
I recently had a run in with ‘precancerous’ cells. I’m three months clean (sounds like Im a druggy I know), but everything will be on high alert for another 9 months or so. My aunt called with the words “Let go of your anger towards your mother Amy.. it’s going to kill you” – I wanted to yell at her and instead I cried. We don’t have time to feel bad for how shitty things are. Take your happy moments where you can find them and treasure them. You ARE deserving of those moments..
sorry that i’m still catching up, i just spent the week in some sort of purgatory- going to read everything now)
4. jes | May 17th, 2006 at 8:52 am
Dude. This entry should make the front page of your paper, and should be distributed nationwide, BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED TO READ IT.
You are so right-on. We live in such a frantic mode, so hurried to work, work, work instead of enjoy life. And I am soooooo glad for you that you are happy now, because that is about thirty gajillion times more important than the corporate rat race.
5. Whinger | May 17th, 2006 at 10:23 am
Seriously. It’s not like you don’t have a job. YOU STILL HAVE A JOB, even though it’s not 85 hours/week. Welcome to a normal life, where there’s plenty of time for you and your family, but still not enough to save the world before bedtime.
There’s plenty of time left for that. Hell, my mom started real volunteering after her retirement, and is currently saving the world for the rest of us. But before that, she was busy with work and being a good person.
It would be enough for the world if we all just worked a little on how to be a better person each day.
6. Whinger | May 17th, 2006 at 10:23 am
Also, that title terrified me that something was wrong between you and A. Thank you for clarifying.
7. Lara | May 17th, 2006 at 11:10 am
I agree with Whinger. FRONT PAGE, baby. I totally understand how you feel, though. Sometimes I feel guilty for not wanting to work at a big super-duper law firm and count billable hours and make lots of money and brag to people about how much I work…but then I realize how very horrid that life would be.
I once dated a guy, a real hotshot BMW-driving lawyerly type. We’d both gone somewhere for the weekend – separately – and he got home earlier than he’d expected on Sunday. He told me later that he’d found himself sitting around his house, wondering what to do with himself, and so he went in to work.
I was stunned. And really, really sad for him. And unsurprised when things didn’t work out between us as a couple.
8. Jamie | May 17th, 2006 at 11:42 am
The guilt you referenced is one of the nastiest side effects of the cult of American workplace expectations. Somehow we have managed to become the country with the longest workweeks, highest expectations in the office, and (for some) worst health & welfare benefits. Don’t let this cause any guilt in your mind about what you “are” or “are not” doing, saying, getting done. I don’t care what anyone says — mergers, raises, buyouts, promotions, and the like do not equal happiness.
You are happy being who you are, where you are, with what you’ve got. That is elusive, and priceless.
9. mireille | May 19th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
I loved this post. It’s so … Jonna. And JONNA IS ENOUGH. You’re IT! Adam said so, Sunny and I agree. xoxo
10. Parisjasmal | May 21st, 2006 at 3:24 pm
You deserve all good things Jonna. You do not , however, deserve to keel over at a way too young age of heart disease. The USA has the highest work expectations, and the highest rate of stress, anxiety, heart disease, etc. Enjoy your life J, it is the only one you have.
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