Carry On…

First off, I suck at dog training. I mean, I SUCK. I do everything wrong, and everybody knows it. I know I need to be the Alpha dog. I know I need to be hard on her. I KNOW. But she’s not an Alpha kind of personality – in fact, she wants to be Alpha about as much as I want to be a math professor.

But GAH! That face. I can’t refuse that smooshy little face, and I KNOW she’s manipulating me. I KNOW. But GAH, it’s so hard. And she’s fabulous at home – all obedient and shit, and she’ll do anything I want, but when we get near those other dogs, she wants to PLAY! RUN! JUMP! PLAAAAAAY.

I was singled out no fewer than six times, and in the worst possible, most passive aggressive way. I’d do something (wrong) and she’d call out to the whole group, “Now SOME of you [glares in my direction] are doing XX, but what you really need to do is YY [glares in my direction again]”

Really, though I consider it a success that I didn’t puke, considering the SAME PUPPY threw up again, this time with *dead* worms because, apparently, he’s on the road to recovery.

As an aside, I hate passive aggressive shit. It’s like when people call you “Honey…” to soften the blow of a totally rude and/or condescending remark. I *hate* being called honey/sweetie/pumpkin or anything of the sort in that context. “Oh Honey…those are pinstripes, not regular stripes.” “Oh honey…do you know your shirt is untucked? It looks awful.” “Oh Honey…that’s not what that word means.” “Honey, don’t you think you’d be better off doing it the other way? Let me help, because that way is just plain wrong.”

Honey! You can take an entire jar of the stuff, roll in it and then find a fire ant mound, if you have a free moment. K, hon? However, Eve calls me ‘Button,’ which is totally acceptable. But if you want to correct me, tell me something I won’t like to hear or say something rude, you’d be better off just saying it directly. None of this ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ bullshit.

Anyway, because I’m exhausted, have about 100 lines of my other project to do, and have to go in early to the doctor tomorrow to have my throat stabbed with a fat needle, I don’t have much to say, other than a small rant about a C-word that I SORELY REGRET LEAVING OUT of my c-post.

Celery. Y’all think it’s a benign, happy vegetable. A filler vegetable, even. Tasteless and bland, with a chameleon-like quality that takes on the quality of whatever sauce it’s resting in. And YOU ARE SO WRONG.

It is POTENT! Overpowering! MISERABLE! YUCKY! And totally unnecessary. I mean, what value does celery add? None! If you want a nice, anise-y taste, choose it’s cousin, fennel. If you want crunch, try snow peas, water chestnuts or bean sprouts. But who needs string? And that taste – that foul, potent GUCKY taste that TAKES OVER THE WORLD AND SWALLOWS US WHOLE WITH ITS GUCKINESS.

And don’t try to sell me on the value of celery salt. Because really, anything else would be just as good. Adobo anyone?

LEAVE US, CELERY. I HAVE NO USE FOR YOU.

*Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.

16 comments May 17th, 2006