Carry On…
May 17th, 2006
First off, I suck at dog training. I mean, I SUCK. I do everything wrong, and everybody knows it. I know I need to be the Alpha dog. I know I need to be hard on her. I KNOW. But she’s not an Alpha kind of personality – in fact, she wants to be Alpha about as much as I want to be a math professor.
But GAH! That face. I can’t refuse that smooshy little face, and I KNOW she’s manipulating me. I KNOW. But GAH, it’s so hard. And she’s fabulous at home – all obedient and shit, and she’ll do anything I want, but when we get near those other dogs, she wants to PLAY! RUN! JUMP! PLAAAAAAY.
I was singled out no fewer than six times, and in the worst possible, most passive aggressive way. I’d do something (wrong) and she’d call out to the whole group, “Now SOME of you [glares in my direction] are doing XX, but what you really need to do is YY [glares in my direction again]”
Really, though I consider it a success that I didn’t puke, considering the SAME PUPPY threw up again, this time with *dead* worms because, apparently, he’s on the road to recovery.
As an aside, I hate passive aggressive shit. It’s like when people call you “Honey…” to soften the blow of a totally rude and/or condescending remark. I *hate* being called honey/sweetie/pumpkin or anything of the sort in that context. “Oh Honey…those are pinstripes, not regular stripes.” “Oh honey…do you know your shirt is untucked? It looks awful.” “Oh Honey…that’s not what that word means.” “Honey, don’t you think you’d be better off doing it the other way? Let me help, because that way is just plain wrong.”
Honey! You can take an entire jar of the stuff, roll in it and then find a fire ant mound, if you have a free moment. K, hon? However, Eve calls me ‘Button,’ which is totally acceptable. But if you want to correct me, tell me something I won’t like to hear or say something rude, you’d be better off just saying it directly. None of this ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ bullshit.
Anyway, because I’m exhausted, have about 100 lines of my other project to do, and have to go in early to the doctor tomorrow to have my throat stabbed with a fat needle, I don’t have much to say, other than a small rant about a C-word that I SORELY REGRET LEAVING OUT of my c-post.
Celery. Y’all think it’s a benign, happy vegetable. A filler vegetable, even. Tasteless and bland, with a chameleon-like quality that takes on the quality of whatever sauce it’s resting in. And YOU ARE SO WRONG.
It is POTENT! Overpowering! MISERABLE! YUCKY! And totally unnecessary. I mean, what value does celery add? None! If you want a nice, anise-y taste, choose it’s cousin, fennel. If you want crunch, try snow peas, water chestnuts or bean sprouts. But who needs string? And that taste – that foul, potent GUCKY taste that TAKES OVER THE WORLD AND SWALLOWS US WHOLE WITH ITS GUCKINESS.
And don’t try to sell me on the value of celery salt. Because really, anything else would be just as good. Adobo anyone?
LEAVE US, CELERY. I HAVE NO USE FOR YOU.
*Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
16 Comments Add your own
1. Yesrie | May 17th, 2006 at 9:50 pm
Here’s what’s worse: celery seed {{{shudder}}}. And its cousin, fennel seed. Way to RUIN a perfectly good potato salad, egg salad, macaroni salad, etc. Bleaah!
{{{beams}}} for tomorrow with the fat needle. Better than poking eyes with fork, non?
xo
Y
2. Yesrie | May 17th, 2006 at 9:54 pm
P.S. :> Jef says you really would appreciate knowing that you misspelled the first of the 4 names in the musical group who sang your title song. He says “It’s an i, not an o.”
HTH, NNTTM, etc.
3. winterwheat | May 17th, 2006 at 10:02 pm
Button, have you considered homeschooling your dog? That’s what we did. *beams proudly while dog yaps*
4. Amy K | May 17th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
Celery exists purely to be a receptacle for peanut butter.
5. jonniker | May 18th, 2006 at 4:56 am
It’s a typo, for crying out loud. CRISPY sounds so much better, doesn’t it? And you are SO LUCKY you didn’t call me honey, or I’d have beaten you with a fire ant-laden stick. Because that’s the kind of correction people usually use it in. Like they pity me because I can’t spell. Heh.
And Amy, not even peanut butter can redeem celery.
6. carol | May 18th, 2006 at 5:52 am
I’m SOOOOOO NOT worried about this needle biopsy thing. I won’t think about you all morning…and I won’t be waiting by gmail or this site to hear anything, like “it all went well!” “Oh – it was just a horrible mistake – everything’s fine!” No – that’s not me at all.
7. Claire | May 18th, 2006 at 7:17 am
yeah, obedience class is a wonderful time, isn’t it? they told us that our dog needed to be stationed in the corner of the room, sheilded by us so that she wouldn’t feel ‘intimidated’ by the other dogs & people. They thought she would ‘lash out’ if she felt uncomfortable. Treating her like an outcast didn’t help, however. that made “Rocky” the lab attack her. They don’t know everything, the dog trainers…
Oh, and celery salt – brings up bad memories of a game of Truth or Dare from the 6th grade. I had to drink a cup full of celery salt and water. It was truly disgusting and i can still conjure up the taste of it. Blech.
8. Amybobamy | May 18th, 2006 at 7:38 am
Have you heard of the ‘dog whisperer’ – he has a show, I’m not sure which channel…
Anyway, yeah I also agree that celery is purely natures spoon for peanut butter… oh the joys of peanut butter…
Also, sweety, punkin dearie…all those women who talk to you in that sickly sweet way are evil with a sugar coating…
9. Lara | May 18th, 2006 at 8:53 am
Have you encountered the evil cousin of “Honey,” known as “Bless your heart”?
“Bless your heart, you’re wearing one brown shoe and one black.”
10. jes | May 18th, 2006 at 10:06 am
Celery salt? Honey, I think you’re making that up.
11. Yesrie | May 18th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Jes, celery salt SHOULD be just some fantasy nightmare, but it’s real… Mom has it in her spice rack. I don’t mind “ants on a log”, or maybe Kraft pseudo-roquefort pseudo-cream-cheese, but I can do without celery/fennel products entirely.
Lara – good one!
12. amandampc | May 18th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
“Leave us, celery. I have no use for you.” That is priceless! Your near-palpable indignation at and subsequent dismissal of this watery, stringy vegetable (?) has an almost Shakespearian ring. It’s brilliant! Hilarious. Still laughing. Won’t ever see celery as worthy again.
13. Whinger | May 18th, 2006 at 3:18 pm
Bleh to celery.
I hated obedience school. Hated it. And it didn’t help that I learned valuable things because the trainer insinuated that Dog was less than a good dog.
Partner kept me from killing her.
14. Lena | May 18th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
Ooooh, you couldn’t be more wrong. Celery, onion, garlic, and olive oil in a food processor. Put it in the fridge and use it in and on EVERYTHING. And celery laves in chicken soup? Mmmmmmmm.
Give a piece a chance.
I love this pretty blue box. Can I just type here all day?
15. Red Red Whine » I l&hellip | October 15th, 2008 at 8:20 am
[...] Jonniker, but it’s on my list as Hrmph, so there it will stay for now. Anyone who can write half a post about the grossness known as celery is cool in my book. I’m beginning to feel like I need to get more creative than writing [...]
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