The Obvious Child
May 18th, 2006
Um, no one told me that a needle biopsy hurts. I mean, it HURTS. HURTY NEEDLES WIGGLING AROUND MY NECK. He pricked the neck and I was all, “OMG! So EASY! Thanks for the work, doc!”
Um, that was Novacaine. He hadn’t even started.
Oh.
I know, I know, it’s SO OBVIOUS, but for the love of GOD, it really fucking hurt. The needle is LARGE, and I thought it would be ONE POKE. ONE. It was FIFTEEN. FIFTEEN STABS. And also, restraining. There was restraining. One chick – a nurse, I hope – holding my head still while some dude had an ultrasound thing with jelly while another dude had a GIANT NEEDLE IN AND OUT OF MY NECK. There was wiggling and OH MY GOD, the wiggling! And I wasn’t allowed to talk, make a sound or swallow while this GIANT NEEDLE WAS SWIMMING AROUND MY NECK. Which, you know, I would have preferred. To scream or something. Because I am a wimp. With a wiggling, painful, ginormous FUCKING NEEDLE. IN MY NECK. WITH PAIN. Did you know thyroids have nerves? They do, apparently, and LOTS AND LOTS OF THEM.
But seriously dude, it hurt. Am wimp. It hurt. Whatever. It still hurts, and I have two quarter-size bruises on my neck, along with lots of little holes. HOLES. Am wimp. AM WIMPY WIMP. I KNOW. And also, wearing Band-Aids, and so look like Frankenstein. And will have results in few days, while I am on vacation in Disney World (stop laughing). The ENTIRE FUTURE of my children’s attendance or avoidance of Disney rests on these results. It could either be CancerWorld or Disney! Happy! MICKEY! Either way, though, I feel like it’s going to be fine, which is an odd feeling for a freakish hypochondriac like me. But it is.
ANYWAY, I also almost set fire to the house tonight, for the eleventy millionth time, this time with the dryer and a rogue doggie poop bag. Last week, there were undue flames surrounding a pu pu platter and the fire in the middle of the stupid thing. Why do they set pu pu platters on fire? Do they think we want to ROAST our spareribs over the flame? Or make a flambe** out of our chicken fingers? Because we don’t. And because I didn’t want to cook the food that was already cooked, I thought that blowing OUT that godforsaken flame would be a good idea, which it wasn’t, since Adam was leaning in to grab a chicken finger and do you know what blowing out a flame does when it’s attached to a pu pu platter? IT MAKES THE FLAMES GROW VERY BIG. Which isn’t great when your husband’s eyebrows are mere inches from them. You know.
So there was singing. And hysteria. And soft yelling, so as not to disturb the other Chinese food diners. You know, the whispery yelling kind, while we tried to ignore the smell of burning eyebrow.
But anyway, the dryer. There was, yet again, that smell of burning plastic/hair and Adam INSISTED that it was the dryer, and I was all, SHUT UP, and he was all, THE PU PU PLATTER and then, you know, I checked and there were NINE PLASTIC BAGS melted against the back of the dryer. Because, apparently, I am a moron who forgets to empty pockets before putting them in the dryer. Or washer. Or whatever.
And once, when I lived in Boston, I thought that using a paper towel as a potholder over a gas stove was a good idea. It caught fire, my hand caught fire, there was blistering and all-around misery, not to mention the screaming, the fire extinguisher and OH MY GOD, the screaming.
And yeah, I didn’t think it would hurt. Because I am the kind of person who thinks that fire isn’t dangerous and needles WIGGLING aren’t painful.
*Paul Simon.
**Someone, for the love of all that is holy, tell me how to make that little accent thingamafuckingbob.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
17 Comments Add your own
1. Amybobamy | May 18th, 2006 at 8:30 pm
I’m so sorry! I swear I emailed you to tell you that the biopsy hurts… are you okay now?
Oh and… I’ve totally grabbed a hot skillet without the forethought of using the papertowel, so I’m not sure if it makes me smarter or not.. LOL
2. Lara | May 18th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
Jonniker, your post in all its horridness, saved me from gouging my eyeballs out to provide a distraction so my mother-in-law would shut the fuck up. Thanks for reminding me that I at least didn’t have giant needles poking around my thyroid.
And, I have to say – “Born At the Right Time” was good, too – was that on The Rhythm of the Saints too?
3. Yesrie | May 18th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I’ve made a grilled cheese and neglected it on the second side past burning to the point of adhering to the heavy cast-iron skillet. Spatula just made the whole assembly slide off the burner. Naturally, like Amybobamy, I clutched the skillet with my other hand….
4. winterwheat | May 19th, 2006 at 5:17 am
é= hold down alt key while typing 130.
è= hold down alt key while typing 138.
5. Beth | May 19th, 2006 at 5:33 am
I had no idea a thyroid biopsy was so involved and painful. Did the doctor advise you to take painkillers beforehand? (I did this before having a gynecological biopsy.) I hope your throat feels better very soon, Frankenstein bandages or no.
(I was going to recommend that you check http://www.starr.net/is/type/htmlcodes.html for accents, but I will defer to winterwheat.)
6. greeneyes | May 19th, 2006 at 7:05 am
You are not a wimp. You are very strong. I just saw the words GIANT NEEDLE and I had to skip down to the pu pu platter and the dryer.
7. winterwheat | May 19th, 2006 at 8:22 am
p.s. That’s awful about the biopsy. I had no idea they’d poke you so many times! But it kind of makes sense, given that they have to sample the thyroid; if they only took one needle’s worth from one spot, they could miss cancer cells in another spot. Still, what a nightmare.
8. Bela | May 19th, 2006 at 9:56 am
OMG! I’m so sorry. Hope you’re not hurting so much now. (I didn’t know about your health problems until today: I haven’t been reading my friends’ blogs as much as I should recently.) Sending you healing vibes (((((((J)))))))
9. jes | May 19th, 2006 at 10:19 am
Oh. Wow. I feel like vomiting now. I am imagining needles, BIG NEEDLES, wiggling. In MY neck. How did you not talk or breathe or move or SCREAM or cry or prevent yourself from picking up an extra needle and stabbing the doctor with it? HOW?
**I also defer to winterwheat.
10. amyjami | May 19th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
the pu pu platter/narrowly missed house fire is the funniest thing i’ve read this week. classic.
so sorry about your thyroid…..you are a very brave woman…
11. Whinger | May 19th, 2006 at 1:01 pm
I seriously, seriously hope that you have extinguishers EVERYWHERE. No reason.
SO sorry about the needle. HATE the freakng needle and its mean ways.
12. Jurgen Nation | May 19th, 2006 at 3:37 pm
NOOOOO! God, aaargh! I feel like I’m the one who got the needling. Are you okay?? I’m behind on blog reading.
13. Kathleen Maher | May 20th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
Biopsies suck. The medics need to rethink the deal. Whatever needles they use, or anodyne numbing chemical, do not prepare an already frightened patient for outright gouging, which is always involved. Sometimes for unconscionable lengths of time. It’s “an operation.” Provide the necessary opiates or anathesia so no one needs to be held down by a bigger, stronger person. It’s outrageously inhumane, and instead of admitting it, the word “wimp” floats in the air. Gruesome investagory gouging of the human body has no connection with “wimp.” Didn’t one of our recent presidents start a war to prove he wasn’t “a wimp?’ How stupid can one word get?.
14. Arielle | May 20th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
I will back you up. I thought the Fine Needle Biopsy hurt like hell too. I had a funny Asian radiologist do my scan and FNB and he kept making the nurses and me laugh during the whole thing and I’m sure you’d agree that its not advisable to laugh while there is a needle in your throat. I swallowed once and he was like “uh oh” -Definitely what I wanted to hear right? My advice is to just keep the icepack on it till you cant feel the swelling or pain anymore. Hope you are feeling better.
15. Kate | May 21st, 2006 at 6:52 am
Oh Jonna, that sucks!!!!! I really hope everything is ok. I’ll be thinking of you. Hope you have a fun time in Disney and that when you get back your results are in and they are good. Sending you my loving thoughts.
16. Parisjasmal | May 21st, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Yuck about the biopsy. Sorry about the pain and bandaids and the all around yuck of it all.
I hope you have a blast at RatWorld–that is what my very negative father calls it.
xo
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