Fame
June 15th, 2006
I love celebrity magazines, celebrities, and all the trash that comes with it. When I was younger, I always wanted to be famous for…something, I didn’t care what. I can’t even IMAGINE what the hell I was thinking, given that I couldn’t even handle the attention lobbed on me at my own wedding, and the second I get a fleurn of hate comment anywhere, I’m all pissy and indignant and hurt. And also: I have no talent that would lend me to being famous. Nor could I possibly imagine bringing my dog anywhere public, let alone an event. I mean, honestly, Tinkerbell has no place on the red carpet, and neither does Sunny. And again: being the center of attention beyond a group of, say, two, is enough to give me mega-hives and also, weep into my hands. And also, I am usually shy in a large group unless I am threatened or scared, in which case I go SUPER DUPER OUTGOING, and start telling people – loudly – about that one time, at band camp, that I wore shorts that were too tight and got my first yeast infection and thought the world was ending because my crotch was about to fall off.*
Anyway, this does not mean that I don’t adore celebrity magazines, celebrity gossip and my GOD, celebrity photos and rags, yes! MORE! And here again, is where I go all counter-judgy on you – nothing irritates me more than people who pretend that they are above it, and go on and on about it like gah, those of us who care are somehow stranded in a giant cesspool of misery, like we have nothing better to do but wonder about Brad and Angelina and what about poor Jen? These same people usually claim they don’t watch television because there is more culture other places and television is the root of all evil. What, do you think it somehow makes you superior because you don’t care about Brangelina or Bennifer or – my God – reality TV?
Because I contest that if you are taking the time to lecture me about how stupid it is, and I am for listening to it, or how you just don’t care because really, that is just *trash*, and I should know better or be smarter or SOMEthing, then perhaps you do care, you just don’t want to admit it, and somehow, maybe you think it makes you a little more…highbrow than me, the same way you don’t want to admit to having to overcome the urge almost daily to eat butter with a spoon. Or maybe not, and I really am that shallow. But hey, leave me to my illusions as it makes me feel better to think so because yes, I am slightly embarrassed about it and I KNOW I should be re-reading Kierkegaard or something instead, but it’s US Weekly, I can’t help it.
Anyway: Britney interview, which I nearly mowed down the entire parking lot of Sweet Bay supermarkets to get home for. Hello, um, what? I felt overwhelmingly sorry for her because she’s just not…bright or cultured enough to see what’s really out there, and gah, I mean, Britney, come ON. It’s over, and yet, there I am, rooting for her to say something bright, and it NEVER HAPPENED. But let’s talk about what was transfixing about this interview: her boobs. Hello, boobs! BOOBS! And what was that thing – that CHUNK of mascara in her right eye, like an extra piece of chocolate dangling there in case she got a craving later? It was all I could look at, and it was the only thing that tore my eyes away from the boobs.
I’m wondering if she has extra, really, because I have a set of barely Bs that could use some perking up.
So, if you’re not the type to celebrity watch, I highly recommend it because really, it is SO satisfying, in that cotton-candy kind of way, and whenever you think life is bad, just remember: at least you can go to Starbuck’s uninterrupted, and no one is watching you when you pick your underwear out of your ass. Small gifts, people. I do ask, however, that you not get your celeb advice from Perez Hilton, because seriously, the man is a) a needlessly snarky jerk and b) a plagiarist, and has stolen many, many snippets from other bloggers all over the blogosphere, including my very clever friend Katie, more than once. And amazingly, he actually admitted it when confronted by throngs of angry perfumistas. So, you know, down with Perez, which is a shame.
And here ends the first in a regular series: Fluffy Fridays, to match how fluffy I look, as though I am stuffed to the brim with quilt batting, as yes, the bloating continues. Just put me on a parade float and pretend I am the Marshmallow Man.
*This actually happened, and yes, I’ve told people at parties.
**David Bowie
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
20 Comments Add your own
1. Kate123 | June 15th, 2006 at 8:06 pm
Jonna, you may have already figured this out, but if not, I’ll say it now: I’m one of those people that you hate. I’m sorry, but I don’t care.
I really, really don’t care about Brad and Jennifer or Brad and Angelina. I’m not trying to be all highbrow, it’s just not interesting to me.
And while we’re at it: sports. Same reaction. I find them boring. I can sort of see how people might want to *play* sports, get some exercise, run around, hang out with friends, stuff like that (not that I would want to do it myself, I’m too lazy and out of shape… but I can see why people might want to) but *watching* sports? That I just don’t get. And the sports figures? Dude, they don’t know we exist! They make millions! Why should we care about them? Sorry, sorry, I know you are a huge Redsox fan. And you are lucky: whenever baseball is a topic of conversation, you’re all set. Me: not so much.
But hey, whatever floats people’s boats. It annoys me that I’m expected to keep up with celebrities and sports just so I have something in common with other people who enjoy those things. I know that if I were a better, more sociable, more egalitarian type of person, I would force myself to pay attention to those things just so when they came up I could add something interesting to the conversation. But see, I’m too self-centered and lazy to put forth the effort. So I’m a boring dork. And I’m so bad at small talk. But again: I just don’t care enough to change. Sorry!
Hate me if you must.
Just call me “Poindexter”, that’s what my sister does.
2. jonniker | June 15th, 2006 at 8:35 pm
Kate, there is a difference between genuinely not caring, I suppose, and pretending that you don’t care because you are too interesting in being snooty. You are not snooty, and you are likely correct that there are many like you, yes.
Fluffy Fridays! No hate! No hate among friends!
3. Yez | June 15th, 2006 at 8:38 pm
{{cough}} I’m with Kate :>
There are celebrities I like to hear about, and I probably won’t change the channel if there’s some gossip on them, or an interview coming up. But I’m more interested (which is to say, not very much) in Anniston than Brangelina, and as cute as Ben Affleck is, I’d rather see him interviewed about acting or Boston than hear gossip about his alliance (or dalliance) du jour. Britney? Um, no. Not in any capacity.
I’m a Red Sox fan because I’m from Massachusetts. That’s all! I don’t know the players’ names anymore (since, oh, the ’60s), but I can always get that info from Xan, should a bizarre set of circumstances require it.
But I lurv TV, and it’s a hoot to read Mom’s “Vogue” and rank on all the society photos (and their subjects, most of whose names I recognize only from that section in Vogue). Should I know who Perez Hilton is? X-D I guess I should… so I’ll follow the link and become slightly less clueless %-}
4. Lara | June 15th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
Ummm…I dunno if I’m “with” Katie and Yez or not with ‘em…largely due to the mass quantities of wine I consumed out of boredom because my husband (eek! I have a husband!) decided to nap when we got home tonight and there was the bottle, begging to be drunk, and I dont’ have many friends here, and the train service sucks Montel Williams’s ass so I can’t just hop on there without imbibedly driving a car which is bad news bears and ohmygodwhatthefuckamitalkingabout.
Whoa.
Sorry, Jonna. Let’s pretend I drank this bottle whilst talking on the phone with you since we both have no (or, er, very few) friends where we live.
Ahhh.
G’night.
5. Katie | June 15th, 2006 at 10:26 pm
Aw, thanks J. I know I haven’t popped in lately to say “hullo,” but that means a lot to me that you’re sticking up for me and all the other folks that guy’s plagiarized from. (I read you on Bloglines, but I never know what to say, ’cause I’m usually laughing too hard to be able to think straight.) I love trashy celebrity talk, mostly because it appeals to my basest shallow instincts, and well, to resist would be no fun at all.
THANK YOU, Jonna. Your sympathy means a ton to me.
PS. Tagline? Funny clever people don’ t need no stinkin’ tagline. Although you totally confused me briefly when I looked at my feeds on Blogline and could not for the life of me remember signing up for blogs with those names. Heh.
6. Christine | June 16th, 2006 at 6:32 am
Um, so I fall somewhere in the middle. I don’t read US, and only care about the celebs for about two minutes before I feel like I never want to see another celebrity again. Honestly, if Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson and Bradgelina (with children in tow) all disappeared *poof* off the face of the earth I would not miss them, and probably wouldn’t notice until someone made a reference to one of them years later to wonder, “hmmm…whatver did happen to them.
But I DID watch the Britney interview, I even blogged about it yesterday, before it happened because LORD what was she wearing?
And after the interview I just wish the paparazzi would leave her alone, because she seemed well meaning, just not really bright enough to do anything about it, and also, I don’t really care what happens to her either.
Wow, on this fluffy Friday I am all about the apathy.
Except for her outfit. AND the threat of the nipple. I really expected some major wardrobe malfunction and I wondered how many times they had to stop for her to pull up her shirt. AND then I laughed when she indicated that she was going to have a fashion line. Because, really? really?
I quit.
7. Jamie | June 16th, 2006 at 6:54 am
I’m big on the questions this week for some reason – I just can’t seem to figure out the “logic” of other people’s decision making.
For instance – who wears an ugly, ill-fitting, hooker shirt, frayed-edge denim skirt, and big UGLY BAD PAM ANDERSON hair to an interview with Matt Lauer?! Esp. when it’s clear that the interview was a huge, gaping opportunity for her to make herself look more credible as a role model and mother? Huh?
8. winterwheat | June 16th, 2006 at 7:12 am
As a professor researching and teaching about the psychological effects of television exposure, I get the whole “Oh, I don’t watch TV” thing ALL. THE. TIME. What really bugs me is when people pretend not to have heard of certain celebrities, the ones you can’t avoid hearing about. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: blah blah blah Angelina Jolie’s baby blah blah blah
Them: Who’s that?
Me: What, you haven’t heard?
Them: No, I don’t watch TV. (spoken with haughty, dismissive tone)
Me: Do you grocery shop?
Them: (warily) Yesss…
Me: So have you not ONCE noticed the tabloids around the checkout aisle? They’re plastered with pictures of Angelina Jolie and her baby.
Them. Oh, I don’t care about that stuff so I don’t pay attention to it.
Me: Must be nice to be so unobservant.
I mean, come ON, people, if you have even the slightest ability to look around yourself, you’re going to pick up on which pop culture icons are “hot” at any given time. The pretend ignorance thing drives me up a wall. I have not ONCE watched American Idol but I know who Simon Cowell is, you know?
Last night, after pumping, I treated myself to a glass of wine and E! Was it E! that Britney’s interview was on? Can’t remember. All I know is that I thought it was old because they were asking her about ancient history. I noticed that weird eyelash thing too. And the boobs. Poor girl needs a spiritual retreat, two weeks of macrobiotic food and hiking, lots of sleep, and a bath.
9. jonniker | June 16th, 2006 at 7:52 am
Yez: But, like Kate, you don’t look down at those of us who do. That’s the big difference. And yes, I can help with Sox players’ names.
Lara: BWAH! Best. comment. ever.
Katie: I missed you. And yeah, I have hated Perez Hilton ever since, just as I have been suspect of Slate since they ripped off Victoria. And I never know what to say to YOU, for you are too clever for words.
Christine: YES. The fashion line. And threat of nipple. OMG! THREAT OF NIPPLE.
Jamie: I think it was a weave. Didn’t it look like a weave? My friend E said it looked like she just had sex and realized Matt was en route.
K: As usual, you totally identify the frustration I feel better than I could have. YES! The TELEVISION SNOBBERY. That is exactly it. Good on you for mentioning the grocery store, because: honestly. Who hasn’t at least SEEN a cover while waiting in line? What else do you DO?
10. GuinnessGirl | June 16th, 2006 at 8:09 am
Ohsweetjesus. There’s nothing like reading your drunken comments the day after. Obviously, I need some serious detox.
11. -R- | June 16th, 2006 at 9:39 am
I don’t like People, or Us Weekly, or Entertainment Tonight, or whatever else there is. And I purposely have not seen pictures of Baby Brangelina. BUT I do read the gossip on MSN.com most days. AND I was drawn to the Britney interview last night. It has some weird freaky aura that drew me in. I am much meaner than you though and kept wishing that she would say something even dumber than what she did say. And then my husband told me that I am a horrible person. So it was great fun!
12. Whinger | June 16th, 2006 at 9:44 am
Right. I care.
In fact, I CARE. And I wish I didn’t, and I wish I could just NOT OPEN THE MAGAZINES IN THE CHECKOUT LINE on occasion or NOT OBSESSIVELY CHECK THE SUPERFICIAL EVERY DAY, but I do.
Now. Her boobs! Seriously! And what WAS that thing in her eye? And really? This is what you choose to wear on national tv? While pregnant? I mean, sure, I understand how annoying it must be to get caught on film with curlers in your hair because you needed milk and whatnot, but was there NO ONE to say, “Uh….maybe go change?” Even Matt didn’t say it? Or was he too busy spraying his hair on?
And will still continue to love Britney forever and ever based solely on her early career, although it did make me quite sad to watch the footage of it in comparison to the trash sitting awkwardly with Matt.
13. Yez | June 16th, 2006 at 9:54 am
Lara, please! No regrets. Any post that contains “imbibedly” is a gem in my opinion. Also: “sucks Montel Williams’ ass” X-D I actually watch him occasionally on Wednesdays, when he has Sylvia Browne on :> , because Mom is a big SB fan and I think SB is a riot, and I wish Montel would just STFU when she’s talking. You know? Does he do that to everyone?
14. Jen W. | June 16th, 2006 at 10:34 am
You know what my eye was caught on during that interview? That fucking GOD AWFUL wad of gum that she kept mawing on through the whole thing. I mean good LORD, if you’re going to set up an interview on national television, would it kill you to take OUT the bad weave, apply SUBTLE makeup, wear a shirt that doesn’t make you look like a hooker, and for goodness sakes, follow the number one rule of television: spit. out. the. gum.
Oh yeah, I’m way too good to follow trite celebrity gossip.
15. Claire | June 16th, 2006 at 12:15 pm
ok, now i have to go see if there are pictures somewhere because i have been hearing about the awfulness of this interview for two days now. I have to see what the hell HAPPENED to britbrit. It sounds like it was wonderful train-wreck-tv and i am so sorry to have missed it. Usually i don’t care, either, but this must have been something…
16. jes | June 16th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Um. That first asterisk. The one regarding your crotch falling off. And that it really happened. Part of me is like: REALLY? I TOTALLY want pictures. But then the other part is all like: GROSS. Go to a doctor. And then yet another part of me is like: HA! I know that Jonniker’s crotch didn’t really fall off. BUT WHAT IF IT HAD???
17. jonniker | June 16th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Lara: I did it the other night. I’ll point them out to you if you like, but MY GOD, I was drunkenly talking all over the Internets.
R: That totally counts. So what if it’s not in magazines! You care and you admit it, and that means everything. Except, I like Britney. I can’t help it.
Whinge: I love Britney. Adore her beyond all reason. I *want* her to do well, and the whole time, I’m begging her PLEASE to say something other than “We’re country!” and “My marriage is awesome!” because, honestly. And why, WHY the outfit? WHY? and yes YES I got SO SAD at the earlier images. She was SO BEAUTIFUL. WHY?
Jen: YES. THE WEAVE. THANK YOU.
Claire: It wasn’t even fun trainwreck TV…it was just…so heartbreaking to compare her to the Britney of yore…
Jes: I thought it was going to, because I had no idea. And GAH, it was awful, but really: parties. Band camp. Oboe. I’m a real hit in situations like that, and is it any wonder I’m not going to BlogHer?
18. Jurgen Nation | June 16th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
I knew I loved you, and the reasons keep a’comin’. I hate Perez. He’s so…fond of himself. Ugh.
I didn’t see the Britney interview, but I heard some of it on the radio this morning. I feel bad for her in a small way, but then I don’t because COME ON, IDIOT, YOU PRACTICALLY WRITE THESE ARTICLES YOURSELF. Ugh. And, I’m sorry, but Kevin Federline is the ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my life. I get a whiff of cheap beer, sweat and ass whenever I see a picture of him.
19. Lawyerish | June 18th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
I am definitely not above celeb gossip. I am addicted to Gawker Stalker and Just Jared, among others. Yeah, I’m a professional and I’m supposed to be all reading up on the law all the time; but durn it, you’ve got to give your brain a rest every now and then, right? And who DOESN’T love “Stars! They’re just like us!” How else would we know that stars PUT THEIR CARS IN REVERSE??
Anyway. Britney. Oh, Britney. I have not seen the interview. I am afraid to see it. Because my Britney – o! How she has fallen. It seems like just yesterday that I was cheering her on (and maybe drooling, just a little) as she ripped off her tuxedo to reveal the hottest, sparkliest, most fantabulous outfit EVAH and gyrating and doing that carrying-heavy-suitcases walk she does while performing “Oops!” at the VMAs. Friends who took pity on me and my little girl-crush gave me the DVDs of “Britney” and the Vegas concert from HBO. We were so happy for a while.
And then. THEN. She met K-Fed. And we had to break up. It was ugly and sordid, and I still haven’t quite processed what exactly happened. It went downhill so quickly. I’m still a little lost. And as we all know, so is she.
20. Eve | June 19th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Ok– Im posting to many of your past few entries tonight, which I normally dont ever do. But I miss you button, so Ive transitioned into blog-communicating now- LOL.
I am OBSESSED with seeing the Brangelina baby pics– which of course, I somehow missed in the People mag that featured them bc I dont see it on the shelves, cant find them online. If you have any, please send my way
Re: the Britney interview– I did not feel sorry for her. I thought rather, go spend some of those millions on an education honey (I know, that’s so rude and arrogant, but thats what I thought), rather than buying your scary husband more scary clothes and jewelry.
And while the boobs were VERY distracting, I was actually more horrified by her completely non-existent skirt. If she shifted her weight– even an inch– Im certain we would have caught a full glimpse of her full lower frontal– not appropriate at all nor very attractive.
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