Eye in the Sky
June 22nd, 2006
I’m off for the weekend to In-Law Palooza. This time tomorrow, I will be in Boston – my beautiful Boston – which is just about the most exciting thing I’ve ever imagined, because I will get to see my city again for the first time since December. The skyline! The weather! The Atlantic Ocean, which will be a proper navy blue instead of the very beautiful, but very wrong, turquoise! The only downside is that this trip isn’t a fun trip, it’s an In-Law Trip, so every. single. blasted. second. is scheduled with in-laws, and we’re leaving before we can even see friends or my family.* But there will be sightings of the Charles River, and actual Boston Chinese food with actual duck sauce that doesn’t come in packets, and I will breathe a little easier just seeing it.
The thing that’s giving me endless angst is that I have to fly there, and if I’ve never mentioned it, I hate flying with a white-hot passion that is paralleled only by my lack of enjoyment for having my period for 23 days straight, which I also have the pleasure of experiencing at the same time. (Yes, yes, I’m going to the doctor. Ahem.)
So, the flying. I hate the flying. Last time I flew, to distract me from the terror of that initial climb through the clouds, I made up a list of all the horrid things I would rather be doing than taking off in an airplane. An actual smattering:
- Having my period for 60 days straight (I had no idea I was a prophet)
- Getting my nose pierced in my septum, at least 11 times consecutively until it was dangerously perforated
- Eating sauteed bull’s testicles with tomato sauce
- Cleaning up 100 piles of dog feces from a dog other than my own, with my bare hands
- Shaving the dead skin off of a male stranger’s toes
- Having four back-to-back breast or thyroid biopsies
- Getting my blood drawn 100 times for an entire day
- Getting into the stirrups for 50 – yes, 50 – consecutive pap smears
So, if anyone has a way I can work out some kind of deal to do all of these things in exchange for getting me to Boston, stat, I’m all ears. Sunny is coming with us, however, as we’ll be sleeping at my sister’s, and she’ll have round the clock puppy sitters in the form of my nephews and yay, whatever.
But again, I have to FLY to get there. And while I’ve spent hours and hours taking Xanax, learning the inner workings of plane engines, velocity, physics, etc. so that I could be less afraid, I’m still scared. I’m better than I was – there was a time that I would actually scream at people who dared talk during takeoff. Yes, scream. Last year, I turned around to a couple who looked at each other and dared to go “Whoa!” as we turned immediately after takeoff and screamed, “YOU SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. WE’RE FINE AND THAT IS JUST INAPPROPRIATE. DO NOT ‘WOO’ WHILE WE ARE ON THIS PLANE. ANOTHER WORD, ANOTHER ‘WOO’ AND I WILL SCREAM.”
Um, except I was already screaming, and I really wish I was kidding. Once we leveled off, and I was more accustomed to flying, I was mortified as they whispered about me the whole time, making fun of my bad hair day (which was legendary, even to my frightened eyes) and kicking my seat. I finally turned around and shouted, “I’M SORRY. I AM AFRAID TO FLY AND CANNOT HANDLE IN-FLIGHT DISTURBANCES. I’M ASKING YOU TO SHUT UP AGAIN, PLEASE. I HAVE BAD HAIR AND I DO NOT CARE. I AM AFRAID TO FLY.”
And then I started crying, right there in their faces, and rocking back and forth and, um, yeah. Because we were about to go down deep…deep…deep into the abyss of the Atlantic and strangers were making fun of my hair and I was screaming at them.
To prevent a repeat performance, I plan to take a Benadryl to numb the pain, and mimic, as best I can, the effects of a Xanax, while I pray Sunny doesn’t start howling like a wounded coyote from her safe stow underneath the seat in front of me.
And such, no real updates here until Tuesday. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
16 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | June 22nd, 2006 at 9:28 pm
I object strongly to your choice of category! This is not nuttin’. This is ABSOLUTELY “Where have I moved?” :-J Will be beaming you in, m’dear. Feeling all warm’n'fuzzy that you & hubs & psychedelidawg will be in the same state :-} if not, y’know, in my line of vision.
X,
Y
2. Christine | June 23rd, 2006 at 6:42 am
So the period for 23 days thing, I had my period for three weeks straight the one and only time I went to Boston. (Maybe it’s the city?) Mine wasn’t a medical problem as much as a new birth control pill that clearly didn’t have enough hormones. Stupid low hormone meds. But we were driving to Boston, and there were many stops to make sure I didn’t bleed all over the rental. And maybe all the screaming was coming from me and aimed at my boyfriend. This all might have happened.
I hope your flight goes well without screaming or howling or turbulence. And you should totally find a sympathetic doctor to hook you up with the good meds.
3. Lawyerish | June 23rd, 2006 at 6:46 am
Honey, I have been there with the flying thing. As a kid, I was a-ok with flying (we even used to fly around as a family in my dad’s little twin-engine Cessna, which I now recognize as nothing but a Death Machine), but at some point in high school I became a Panic-Stricken Flyer. I would cry throughout taxi and takeoff, and flight attendants would routinely come by to ask if everything was alright. One time, I had a skeevy, drunk older man next to me who offered to let me hold onto his (extremely hairy) arm. I declined. But that’s how palpable my fear was to everyone around.
Now, I am merely an Anxious Flyer, and I, too, DESPISE when people do things during the climb-out. You should not move. You should not speak above a whisper. And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, you should not GET OUT OF YOUR SEAT when that FIRST ding goes off, because THAT IS NOT THE SEATBELT SIGN turning off. That has happened a lot lately, and every single time I want to get up and tackle the person and beat their head into the floor repeatedly.
4. Allison | June 23rd, 2006 at 7:04 am
And also, you PAY ATTENTION during the what do do in case of an emergency because if you don’t, surely that will jinx the plane and it will go down.
I hate flying. I have Tylenol Simply Sleep to take on the (gulp) 14 hour flight to China.
5. Jamie | June 23rd, 2006 at 7:22 am
What was that asterisk for, in the first paragraph?
6. Whinger | June 23rd, 2006 at 8:42 am
Right. You can just sit next to Partner while you commisserate about flying, while Adam and I are craning our necks to see when the next round of cocktails might be served.
Also, didn’t you used to fly a lot for your job? That was a bad, bad job for you.
7. -R- | June 23rd, 2006 at 9:38 am
Psychedelidog- I love it!
You will have a safe flight. Enjoy your time in Boston!
8. carol | June 23rd, 2006 at 11:52 am
Have a great time and remember – Boston is MUCH nicer in the summer than the winter – don’t forget that when you totally love the weather and want to have your furniture moved right up!!
9. jes | June 23rd, 2006 at 12:49 pm
Whoa. I’m not sure how I would react to someone as crazy as you sitting in front of me on a plane. Should I admit that yes, yes, I would giggle and look at you with wild eyes?
Also, try Tylenol PM to knock you out during the flight. Perhaps it’s best if you don’t know you’re actually on a plane. Enjoy Bean Town!
10. amyjami | June 23rd, 2006 at 1:22 pm
i have been lurking for a long time and i must say that every one of your posts makes me giggle. EVERY ONE.
this plane/flying story? CLASSIC. i’m trying to sit in my office and stifle snorts and giggles so i’m not found out.
11. Kestrel | June 23rd, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Oh god! That list made me cringe.
Have a great trip and I let us know what comes of the doctors visit. I can’t imagine having my period of 23 days, I think I’d seriously lose it if that happened.
12. Caryn | June 25th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
Wow. I sincerely hope your flight went better this time. I get nervous about flying, too, and it doesn’t help that my husband was an air force brat so he learned all about planes while he was growing up. It sounds helpful to know what every sound and bump is–until you actually do know. Then you just think about all the things that could go wrong with the mechanical operations that cause those sounds and bumps. Hope you enjoyed your visit with the in-laws, even if it was stressful and relentless.
13. GuinnessGirl | June 26th, 2006 at 8:37 am
I only get scared when I let myself wonder how the hell a giant heavy airplane defies gravity…which isn’t often. Wilman, on the other hand, is in your camp. He is a maniac in the hour or so before the flight, while his nervousness sinks in, and during the flight he grips my hand like it’s the only thing keeping the plane from crashing. It must be AWFUL. My advice is to drink lots and lots.
14. Jen | June 26th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Who sang “Eye in the Sky”?
15. Sarcomical | July 5th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
here via a comment you left me a while ago, and i love your stuff. can’t wait to come back for more.
you funny. make me laugh. i like.
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