Like the Weather
July 11th, 2006
Someone sold us a false set of goods when we agreed to move here. All we heard on a near-constant basis was, “It rains for like, 15 minutes and then it clears! It’s beautiful! Brief showers!”
A lie! It’s a lie! It’s raining non-stop. And brief showers? If you count torrential downpours and a virtual moat around my house a “brief shower,” then sure. The thing is, I like the rain quite a bit – this isn’t new, I’ve always liked the rain. But in a place where it’s perpetually warm, the driving rain feels like the closest thing we have to winter. You can settle in and snuggle up inside with a book, movie or laptop and the warm pet of your choice and just watch the world go by.
Except rain always comes with lightning that could sear your pants off, and I’m irrationally terrified of tornadoes. I mean, it’s not like I live in Kansas or anything, but there were more tornadoes here last year than any other state, or so the local news tells me. And y’all, have you SEEN how flat this place is? You can see the sunset – the FULL-ON SUNSET from absolutely any angle in the entire damned state, even if you’re sitting in the middle of the pan. It’s as flat as Jessica Alba’s stomach, and you have no idea how disconcerting it is until you see hills again and it hits you like a pancake to the face that the rest of the world has HILLS! Grassy knolls! MOUNTAINS. During a recent trip to Pennsylvania, A. and I marveled repeatedly to each other, “Oh my God – HILLS!” “Wait, wait…did you SEE THAT? The ground – it’s SWELLING!”
I’m not kidding. We were AMAZED and couldn’t stop talking about it the entire weekend, ” Look! It’s a hill!” and “Hey honey, look at me! I’m WALKING UP A HILL!” We were a big hit as houseguests, as we were so easy to please, marveling at the simplest of things, “The grass is soft and doesn’t feel like astroturf!” and “Daisies! Oh my GOD! DAISIES!” and, “Look! An ant that won’t snack on my flesh like a taco! TOUCH IT!”
I have totally distracted myself from my main point: tornadoes. When I was little, growing up in Pennsylvania, we had a small tornado hit our house and really it was no big deal – it took a piece off of the siding, then politely sidled back up the hill like a happy little cloud who had just eaten a satisfying supper. Except, I don’t think that’s how they work down here. They just HIT and then it apparently sounds like a freight train and then the next thing you know, you’re being hurled through the sky while Auntie Em throws muffins in your face. I heard rumors that there were some a few miles from here a few weeks ago, and I got the mattresses ready for the bathtub. I now know precisely how quickly I can get the mattress off of our bed and get it into the bathtub if we had to, and I know *exactly* how to get the guest mattress down the stairs and into the laundry room, which is my first plan of attack, if I have time. A windowless room is safest and believe me, I WILL BE THERE, cowering under that mattress. I have snacks in there now too, just in case.
Today, the sky turned that ominous greenish-grey, and as I was walking Sunny this afternoon, I got a strange chill and I begged Sunny to hurry things along (“Go potty! GO POTTY! MY GOD GO POTTY GOPOTTYGOMOTHERFUCKINGPOTTY BEFORE WE DIE OUT HERE!”). After we came inside and I went back to work, I heard it: the freight train. Getting closer. I started scrambling around the house like a manaical beast, gathering up the pets – Sunny in one arm, Cappy in the other, shoving them in the laundry room. I started crying (crying! CRYING! ) and running to the door to lock it (?!), then up the stairs to get the mattress.
And then I looked out the window. It was the fucking garbage truck. THE GARBAGE TRUCK. Jesus Christ. Five more minutes, and I’d been in the laundry room with a mattress over my head, crying and praying to someone – anyone – to save us from the deadly tornado and hurling muffins. Oh, and PS, I am wholly bereft and horrified that I didn’t even WARN A. of our impending death before I sprung into action. It seems I am a selfish asshole when I think I’m about to die and that includes my husband, who would throw himself in front of the tornado for me. But not me! Nope. I start pulling down mattresses and hiding under them, and it’s only when the roof peels away from the house that I wonder, “Did I remember everything? Like my husband?” And then I spent the rest of the evening upset, because I left my beloved husband – the man who means more to me than anyone else in the world – in the middle of a tornado. So what if it was a garbage truck! A TORNADO! I LEFT HIM IN A TORNADO! I am a horror among human beings. Please – don’t get into an crisis situation with me, man. I will shove your ass out of the way to get to that emergency exit, stealing the last life vest as I go.
I’m starting to think maybe it’s time for an increase in anxiety meds. Just a thought.
*10,000 Maniacs
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
11 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | July 12th, 2006 at 12:30 am
{{cough}} At least we have actual cellars to run to, up here. When the Garbage Trucks of Death hit.
I had the same terror but was frozen in place, not-very-post-9/11. Neither a tornado nor a garbage truck: it was a false fire alarm in an auditorium at the old John Hancock. OMFG. Impulse: careen down to row G, grab child (age 17), under my arm if necessary, and run her up the aisle and out to the sidewalk. Action: intense observation of audience behavior for several minutes while Knowing IWe Were Going To Die. (Oh, and my mother would prolly die too. She was sitting next to me. The woman I DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT in the rescuing-child scenario.)
I know about the stark hilllessness (BTDT, St. Charles, IL)! Conversely, Canyonlands? Felt like, “This is a joke, right? You’ve got the vertical jacked up to around 900%.”
2. Lawyerish | July 12th, 2006 at 6:33 am
Where to start!! So much to comment on here!
(1) “I’ve got a shiver in my bones just thinkin’/About the weather…/A quiver in my voice as if/I might cry”! I LOVE ME SOME 10,000 MANIACS.
(2) Between the lighting that could sear your pants off and the taco-chomping ant and the “Look at me! I’m WALKING UP A HILL!”, I am going to be laughing about this all day. Possibly during inappropriate times, such as someone’s Important Presentation to the Department about Ethics.
(3) Tornadoes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! When we were in 4th grade, the psychos who ran the GA public school system made us watch a film called “Terrible Tuesday.” It was about people clinging to trees while their legs were ripped off their body by a tornado. I kid you not. Horrific doesn’t even begin to describe it. Since then, I have been beyond terrified of anything possibly maybe resembling a funnel cloud. I will write about it in my blog one day, because the trauma – really, it was too much.
I would mow over everyone and their grandmother to get to a windowless room if the sky turned the slightest bit green. Good to know I’d find you in there already.
3. Claire | July 12th, 2006 at 6:57 am
WOW.
First off, i just have to say, the ants line cracked me right the F up. “TOUCH IT!”
ahem – the tornado thing? it’s not an irrational fear. as someone once told/comforted me, an irrational fear would be if, say, you were afraid of waffles. So no worries there.
I had never heard about the mattress in the bathtub strategy, but now you’ve got me thinking about my Tornado Protection Plan and how i don’t have one. I would probably go outside on the front stoop and watch the destruction as it happened (cause i am invincible, obviously. and dumb.) Must go check basement for proper, windowless corner….
Auntie Em’s muffins? Priceless.
4. Christine | July 12th, 2006 at 6:58 am
I did not know that Florida had the most tornados…Interesting. I’ve never had that fear.
I do like the Florida thunderstorms. And I too marvel at the softness of grass whenever I return North after a trip. The southern grass is just nasty. And I hate, hate, HATE the fire ants. (bad incident with the slip and slide when visiting my Florida cousins)…ouch.
But hey I’ll be there this evening! YAY vacation!
5. carol | July 12th, 2006 at 7:25 am
All I want to know is how I survived FORTY years in the midwest (just a tad north of tornado alley) without knowing about the mattress in the bathtub trick. Seriously.
6. Beth | July 12th, 2006 at 11:18 am
When I was a kid in Illinois, we had tornado drills that involved the entire school moving to the basement and sitting in tuck-and-cover position. In high school in California, a teacher jokingly led us through “flood drills,” which involved standing on our chairs, just to break up the monotony. Of course, the real thing here is earthquakes, and every time the washing machine reaches the spin cycle and vibrates the entire house (incl. my desk), I wonder if this is the Big One as I check the Caltech site. Heh. I feel your pain.
7. Whinger | July 12th, 2006 at 11:24 am
Where, WHERE have you moved?
And at least you rescued the pets. Adam can totally fend for himself, right?
Also, you are hilarious.
8. jes | July 12th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
I’m upset to admit that I’m the same way about getting out of the path of death. To think about it makes me a bit …verklempt.
Also, all the pretty new links!
9. jonniker | July 12th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Yez: I understand this logic. Oh, it’s awful, and happens to me every time I get on a plane, and post-911 was the WORST. And I’m DYING over the abandonment of Bama.
Ish: OH MY GOD. Tornado videos! NO! NOOOOO! I would die. I would absolutely die.
Claire: A basement is really all you need, man. A mattress is helpful to block debris from slicing your head off like a chicken.
Christine: You’re going to be here! In my state! How exciting! Hitting the beach in Flagler?
Carol: No! Now you know. Although the mountains in Utah are kind of tornado-deterrents, right? You’re safe! Revel in that.
Beth: OMG, I love it. I would do the EXACT SAME THING. I know I would. The dryer! The vibrations! YES!
Whinge: I know! I KNOW! But dude. You live where there are *earthquakes*, so I can’t even imagine.
Jes: New links? Wait, did I update that? I think I still have more work to do there. Sigh. It never ends. But I wanted to make sure to include everyone I really do read! Gah! I’m sure there are some missing.
10. Jen W. | July 12th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Well, I’ve been in FL for almost four years and am yet to experience/see a tornado…is that just your coast?
But I am from Chicago, where I watched one go across a field in front of me and it was more cool than scary. I do miss soft grass, but being as I’ve never lived in a place that has more elevation than a wave, I can’t sympathize wtih seeing hills. They may be pretty, but they’re a bitch to run up and down.
11. -R- | July 12th, 2006 at 8:42 pm
I have lived in Nebraska and Kansas, and have participated in many tornado watches and warnings, but I have never been close to one.
I am laughing at your protecting your dogs but not your husband. Just tell your husband that he should be able to protect himself, but the dogs need someone to help them. That must be what you were thinking instinctually! … Yes, that’s it.
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