Everything Zen
July 16th, 2006
Somewhere between Thursday night and Friday night, I became angry. Not just angry. Infuriated. And upset. And weepy. And…blocked up. I couldn’t write a coherent sentence to save my life, so I decided that I was permanently damaged and would never write again and the the best I could do was to become a bricklayer or asphalt specialist or maybe a pig farmer.
By Saturday night I’d evolved into a giant lump of pasty flesh who did little more than eat and fart, sometimes at the same time. The entire weekend, I had a box of cheddar-flavored Triscuits surgically attached to my hands, and at one point (like, um, an hour ago), Adam gently pried them from my fingers and suggested that maybe it was time to stop, as I don’t think he’d heard me say anything without the crunch of wheat muddling up the words in several days. I even kept them with me at meals, along with a jar of peanut butter and a block of Asiago cheese.
This eating frenzy came in handy during Saturday night’s dinner at Panda Pavilion with my in-laws when the Israeli-Palestinian-terrorism discussion came up. I cannot explain why, but through some bizarre misunderstanding, Adam described terrorists as “brilliant,” meaning “kind of smart sometimes about terrorizing people which is very, very bad,” not “I love terrorism and terrorists! Where do I sign?” and for some reason, his father screamed – screamed - at both of us, with complete sincerity:
” Oh my God. Are you…son, are YOU A TERRORIST? ARE YOU PART OF HAMAS?** J – do you know anything about this?”
He was absolutely furious. And I was too hungry to risk giving up even a single sparerib, or even a chicken finger to throw at his head and my mouth was full, thank God. The whole room turned to a screeching halt, and I caught the woman behind us whispering, “Do they look Middle Eastern to you? They look so normal! Oh my God!”
I am now likely on multiple terrorist watch and no-fly lists.
The good news is that although my father in law thinks I am a terrorist, I’ve pieced together that the eating is PMS and it will pass, hopefully before I turn into a post-blueberry Violet Beauregard. It’d better, because as of this moment, in addition to various and sundry full meals, I have consumed two boxes of Triscuits, a block of Asiago cheese, a container of hummus, a block of dark chocolate, a bottle of chardonnay, a bottle of pinot noir, an alarming amount of shrimp cocktail, an entire plate of Chinese spareribs, and more! Much, much more! And I am still hungry.
It was just after I polished off a jar of wasabi almonds that I realized that I really wanted to go on a road trip, preferably with the almonds, and maybe some Combos. And, since the CIA is likely tracking my every move now, driving might be the best I can do. I miss road trips since moving to Florida, as driving anywhere is sort of pointless, as it’s all the same. Flat. Trees. Heat. BFD. And then, as I licked the bottom of the jar, I realized that it wasn’t the road trip I missed, or the Combos and almonds, it was the beef jerky.
Oh, beef jerky. I love beef jerky, but not just *any* beef jerky – it must be Damn Good. I promptly ordered four pounds of this stuff. You think you know beef jerky? Think again.
As I dreamed of the jerky hurtling its way to our home in a happy box, a strange calm settled over me. The jerky is coming. It’s going to be okay.
*Bush.
**The Hamas thing is particularly hilarious, as we’re Jewish, sort of. I don’t, um, think they’d take us. And terrorists? TERRORISTS. OH MY GOD.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Lena | July 16th, 2006 at 10:17 pm
Could your description of PMS be more hilarious???
2. Gentry | July 17th, 2006 at 5:05 am
Hee. One time my dad flipped out in public and accused me of being a Communist. I was 12. Perhaps my parents and your inlaws are related and/or one and the same?
3. impossiblejane | July 17th, 2006 at 6:22 am
I don’t mean to be laughing in your pain of PMS (because I certainly know how that goes) but you were hysterically funny! Thanks for the good laugh. I might re-read this post in a few days when I start going through it! Cheers. Jane
4. Lawyerish | July 17th, 2006 at 6:29 am
Is this a sign? Your little security code is currently “saddm”! ADMIT IT: YOU ARE AN IRAQI OPERATIVE AND PUPPET OF SADDAM!
Would you believe I have never had beef jerky?? It’s true. I have never snapped into a Slim Jim. All those road trips growing up, and nary a jerky in sight.
What I took most from this post is that there is such a thing as CHEDDAR TRISCUITS?!?! Why hasn’t anyone notified me of this before?? Where do I sign up??
5. -R- | July 17th, 2006 at 7:21 am
Hilarious! I love your father-in-law and the reaction of the people near you. Reading this post made me very hungry. But not for beef jerky. Like Lawyerish, I don’t think I’ve ever had beef jerky.
6. christine | July 17th, 2006 at 9:25 am
That is the funniest thing I’ve heard. And I LOVE the other people’s reaction of “Oh my god, but they look normal”…
Oh Florida.
7. Yez | July 17th, 2006 at 10:23 am
Oh great. As a longtime Hrmph/No Idea/Jonniker reader and unrepentant stalker, I must be on the list too. I mean, I can prove my (not-Hamas! not-Muslim! not-even-Middle-Eastern!) religious affiliation by my wedding certificate & completed-courses document in my wallet, but I’m afraid my association with you will not be overlooked =8-O
Isn’t it fun when people expect you to prove a negative? :>
“described terrorists as “brilliant,” meaning “kind of smart sometimes about terrorizing people which is very, very bad,” not “I love terrorism and terrorists! Where do I sign?”” – You owe me a new keyboard, is all I’m sayin’.
8. jes | July 17th, 2006 at 11:43 am
mmmm….beef jerky. i don’t think that terrorists eat beef jerky, so you’re safe in my book.
9. Jen W. | July 17th, 2006 at 11:57 am
Wait just one second here. Since WHEN do they make Triscuits in a cheesy flavor?
10. Amy K | July 17th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
While shopping for clothes with my mom back in early high school, I jokingly warded off a particularly horrible shirt she held up for my inspection with crossed index fingers, like it was a vampire coming to suck my blood, She gasped, “Amy, what are you doing? Stop that!” Other parents and kids in the section turned to stare at me, trying to figure out what sort of atrocity the bad girl had committed. That night at dinner, my parents accused me of being Satanic. Yes, that’s right – my parents (who go to church once a year, might I add) accused me worshipping Satan because I made a sign of the cross at an evil shirt.
For a much more entertaining example of people who fear what they don’t understand, watch the episode of Trading Spouses with the Crazy Religious Woman. Here’s a clip if you haven’t seen it:
http://www.break.com/articles/tradingspouses2.html
11. GG | July 17th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
Mmm. Beef jerky!
The DeKalb Farmer’s Market (Atlanta) has homemade beef and venison jerky. I know. “homemade” and “jerky” seem slightly…disgusting…when put together, but damn, it was good.
Got a good chuckle out of this entry – particularly your father-in-law’s reaction. You’ve got to be KIDDING me. Brilliant!
12. Claire | July 17th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
oh my god, jonna.
i’m glad that you figured out what the cause of it was, but wow. i hope everything goes back to normal because that is not a fun place to be…
that roadtrip thing? i miss it, too. that used to be my ‘what i do for fun’ thing, but lately there has been no fun, dammit.
combos and jerky are perfect roadtrip companions. good idea.
13. lightspeed | July 17th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Beef jerky, the sushi of the South. Washed down with a Dr. Pepper, life doesn’t get much better than this.
I recently had this exact discussion with someone from Virginia.
14. Stinkypaw | July 17th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
From the sound of it, you’ll terrorize your way through that jerky!
Hopefully you’ll have some left for your next PMS!
Nothing says road trip to me like Beef Jerky – peppered Beef Jerky!
15. jonniker | July 17th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Lena: Ah! If only it were that funny in real life.
Gentry: Communist? 12? NOOOO.
Jane: The fun continued today. Just shoot me.
Ish: You don’t know the cheddar Triscuits? OH MY GOD. They are honestly amazing. But so hard to find. I buy them in bulk when I see them.
-R- You must try it. As must Ish.
Christine: Oh God, yes. And we don’t, in case you were wondering.
Yez: I suggest you reconsider any flights you might be taking. Or you know, that new car. It could be used for something illegal. I’ll send you the box cutters in the mail.
Jes: Beef jerky is too rednecky, yes. And dude, it’s just awesome.
Jen: Are you serious? They are SO GOOD. You have no idea. SO GOOD.
Amy: No! NO! That’s hilarious! The whole thing is freaking hysterical.
GG: Homemade beef jerky actually sounds delightful. I’ve had it in Pennsylvania and it is fantastic. Now I don’t think I can wait for my shipment.
Claire: No fun is no good at all. Go out, have fun. Wait – don’t you have two weeks in the Carribean coming up?
Lightspeed: Do you like it, too? I’m from the Northeast, and sometimes I wonder if Damn Good isn’t good by Southern standards (it’s made in NY, I think), or is Yankee Jerky.
StinkyPaw: Damn Good just got a garlic jerky I’m really excited about. Their peppered is too tough.
16. Jenny | July 17th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Ok, I know this is totally not the same but my husbands grandfather totally called me a “Pollack”. (Is that even how you spell it?)
I was like, “Um, I’m Czech, you racist ass.”
17. Sarcomical | July 21st, 2006 at 11:56 am
ACK!
i love you.
i love you i love you i love you.
you make me laugh, which today is no small feat. dammit. why do you have to live all the way down in stupid florida?
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