Here is the House
July 18th, 2006
I think it’s important to preface this by pointing out that I have black bean soup on my boob. I had a rough dinner, as I banged my knee on the table, and black beans flew everywhere. It seems appropriate in light of what I’m about to talk about, really, which is that I am, in general, a slob who can’t dress herself or even consider, maybe, a little decorating?
My house is a mess. It’s clean, in terms of clean toilets, a clean kitchen and mostly, the floors are clean and GAWD yes, we have clean sheets, as I’m insane about cleanliness, though you would never ever guess. But otherwise? Um, I can’t seem to live like a grown up. I thought by now, I don’t know, that I’d have matching furniture or something on the walls. Oooh ooh – plants! Live ones, that I would nurture into glorious life, full of flowers and maybe fruit! Kumquats. Yes, I would have kumquats outside here in Florida, next to my lemon tree, where we would pick fat lemons and make pies. And there would be interesting art on the walls! Like African artifacts that I picked up on safari and maybe a Chinese silkscreen from that trip to Bejing, because I would be well-traveled, in addition to possessing impeccable style. Ooh ooh, and photographs! That I took! Black and white prints! That people would come to my house and ask where they could by them, and I would modestly offer them a print from my personal collection, gratis.
Yes. Yes, that’s how it would be.
Or not.
Instead, my living room looks like this:
That’s a fake mini palm in the corner. Costco. We’re classy.
But that’s not all! There is the wonder that is our dining room:
Everything moved to the center of the room so we can paint. We’ve been looking for a new table for months, but can’t agree. Instead, I think the cat tree makes a nice table. And please tell me someone else lives this way. No? Just me then?
I might vacuum, but I can’t pick up regularly, especially during PMS. Take, for example, the floor on my side of the bed:
But, truthfully, the piece de resistance is definitely the nightstand. It has everything I could possibly need, plus a few spores. Granted, it’s never been this bad before, as with the PMS this week, I’ve just been….COLLECTING and not CLEANING, which terrifies even me, but how horrifying is this? What kind of person lives this way?
But lastly, I will leave you with this unrelated photo that is keeping me awake at night. I found this outside the door near my office. It’s about four inches long, and when I walked to the hardware store for a Dr. Pepper, I noticed, oh, I don’t know, a hundred of these? Dead, along the perimeter of the building. Which means, hello, at one point they were in the building. With me.
**Depeche Mode
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Allison Malady | July 18th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
EWWWWW!!!!!!!! What IS that? My side of the bed looks scarily similar to yours with the addition of a dog bed and about 200 tons of fur.
My security code word was msfag. HAHAHAHAHA!
2. Carolyn J. | July 18th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Just my humble opinion here, but some colour on the walls would really dress up your place. I like your red furniture.
3. jonniker | July 18th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
Allison: I think it’s a roach. Honestly.
Carolyn: The hilariously sad thing is that, um, the walls are painted. We just finished. *cries* It’s called “Almond Paste,” and it’s what you see everywhere. The wall you *can’t* see is a gold, which we couldn’t do everywhere. It is actually darker than it looks in photos. Or so I hope. We were afraid to go with a strong color, as we have flaming red furniture which: never again
4. -R- | July 18th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
You just need to hang up pictures! And when you take some of those fabulous photographs or finally get around to framing them or whatever, do you want to send some my way? Thanks!
5. E | July 19th, 2006 at 6:04 am
All that’s missing from the nightstand is a snot rag…but wait…I think I see a receipt of some sort, so that’s cool.
ONLY reason I can make fun is that my nightstand is quite similar!
6. christine | July 19th, 2006 at 6:11 am
I think it’s a waterbug. As in the granddaddy of all the cockroaches. But, be relieved! they like water and not to eat your food, so your night stand is safe.
Our house doesn’t look much better, but that’s because the boyfriend likes to leave his clothes in every single room of the house.
I’d be willing to bet some Costco artwork would really spruce the place up. kidding, kidding
7. Lawyerish | July 19th, 2006 at 6:37 am
Nice cat condo! Do you eat off of it, seeing as it’s in the dining room? (I kid!)
I have to admit, the bedside table scared me a little (the little dish of grapes!). But then, I am anal about bedside table neatness. Mine has a lamp, an alarm clock, and a book on it, and the book must at all times be precisely two inches from the edge of the table. It is not easy living with my mental illness, you see.
Also, almost all of the art on our wall is black and white photos we took on various trips. Others are color photos we took on various trips. And then there are silkscreens from Vietnam. And artifacts from Africa (those are gifts from a friend – haven’t made it to Africa yet).
Oh my God. We are the grossest bourgeois yuppie couple ever.
(I am so disturbed by the bug that I am not going to mention it. Except that I just did.)
8. buleria | July 19th, 2006 at 6:37 am
Wait! You have a cat??!? j/k. I am constantly being given sh** for the pile of books, mags, catalogs, and random detritus that multiplies on my side of the bed. What’s more, when my husband is out town for more than a day, all that stuff lives and sleeps ON the bed.
9. jonniker | July 19th, 2006 at 6:39 am
-R-: I know, pictures would help, as would furniture. But…we can’t agree, so we sit in this constant state of blank-wall flux.
E: Snot rag! No allergies here at the time. I do have business cards sitting there at the moment, though, which is why it looks like receipts. But no! It’s business cards of colleagues, contacts and doctors “to be filed” I don’t know, on the 12th day of never?
Ish: It scares me, too. It’s not usually this horrible, and I took the picture in part because I was scaring myself. Also, re: the random bowl: they’re cherries, and rest easy: they’ve been consumed and relegated to the downstairs. Glasses accumulate, but food: food must go. But I was eating them, you see, because PMS designated that fruit must be available round the freaking clock.
Christine: I feel compelled to point out that the roach was *not* in my house, but was, in fact, outside my office. Thank sweet Jesus.
buleria: Oh yes. The books sleep on the bed with me and Snapper when Adam is away.
10. jes | July 19th, 2006 at 9:35 am
Throwing that picture of that THING in there at the end? GENIUS. Because we all forget what comments we were going to make about homes and decorating and exotic trips to Thailand, and we can only think:
What is that thing? Four inches long? Are you sure? Can you take another picture with it beside a ruler? Because that freakin’ scares me.
11. Yez | July 19th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Skrufy, Veto and especially MinJa are howling that you & Adam are still calling it your “dining room” ]:3
12. Jurgen Nation | July 19th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
I just shrieked. At a bug on the computer screen.
13. Stinkypaw | July 19th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Yuk! That is one big mother tucker! uurgh!
As for the rest well…hey! it’s your house – your mess, your PMS, you live there, so that’s cool!
Did you read “Drowning Ruth” yet? Did you like it? Weird a little no? (saw it on the pile on your side of the bed…)
14. Jill | July 20th, 2006 at 11:43 am
So here’s the thing. My bedside table (actually the top of a hope chest – so imagine the space to collect things!) is much much worse. You should feel better knowing that.
And that bug is a type of water bug that is also called an Electric Light Bug, or a Toe Biter…one year we opened our pool late, and in the cover was a GIGANTIC ONE OF THOSE. It was 5 1/2 inches long and MEAN!!! We actually kept it in a big bucket for an entire week – so amazed were we to find out that type of bug existed. And here in New York State of all places. They start out small but can get to that size if the eating is good. In our case, they had frog spawn to live off of for awhile. They will bite toes, but only if the toe is left unattended (LOL) in the water for long periods of time. Nightmare worthy, I am sure.
15. Heather | July 21st, 2006 at 4:23 pm
That bug is giving me the creepy crawlys and we have nothing remotely close to that here. Eeeww!!
16. Claire | July 24th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
at this point, i would love to live there. at least you have some ROOM to move around in. the crap on your floor could be easily tidied up and put away. I have no where to put the crap. so the crap spreads further. eventually the crap will strangle me and kill me in my sleep… but you’re still ok!
I like the brightness of the paint, or at least the light neutral tone. it makes it look open and airy. some photos would do wonders, but i’m living in the exact opposite – there are pictures on every f-ing square foot. and i hate it.
(whoever let my boyfriend decorate his house the way he did should be shot.)
it’s probably not as bad as you think – and the cat tree? there’s a dog crate in my dining room. no worries.
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