Daysleeper
July 20th, 2006
I can’t say I’m really a fan of perky people at any time of the day, but morning is the worst by far. Through the years, I’ve had coworkers who bound in like giant Labrador retrievers, eager to start their day, and excited that look! We have AIR! And computers! And WORK to do! The possibilities are endless! Meanwhile, I’m shuffling in wearing mismatched socks, jacket and shirt askew and maybe a hair or two standing on end from a last-minute hair product spritz gone awry. Oh, and I’m usually wishing that they would just shut up and die already.
I confess, the hatred is simply a thin veil over intense jealousy. What special gift did these people get that they can bound out of bed in the morning, leaving the safe confines of their snuggly little cocoons? They get up, they shower, and they face the day without fear that the best part of the day was still in that bed.
I’ll never forget the first time I got to witness a Morning Person first-hand. It was Erica of PinkMob fame – a real-life close friend of mine, regular commenter and all-around awesome person who is, unfortunately, a morning person. But I love her anyway, and she gave me a valuable glimpse into morning people behavior. We were sharing a hotel room during a weeknight after getting stranded in the snow (after many, many drinks at a work function when our boss drunkenly dumped us into a room at the Seaport) and the next morning, I witnessed a scene unlike anything I’d ever experienced. She woke up and got out of her bed within the same minute, got ready and had her hat and fucking MITTENS on before I’d even put a foot on the ground and murmered, “d-d-do yooou h-h-have t-t-toothpaste?” I’d like to point out that I was wearing a cheap hotel robe for pajamas, and there was likely a boob or god forbid a vagina poking out from the sheets (thank God for two queen beds). I’m sorry, Erica. So, so sorry. Anyway, there she was, all be-mitted and be-hatted staring at me, “Oh! I packed it. Sure.”
She produced it in 2.2 seconds and smiled, chatting easily about the day ahead. It couldn’t have been later than 7 a.m. I was in awe.
I can’t get out of bed. Most mornings I lay there like an anesthetized pickle, my arms splayed out like starfish, ignoring the screams from the cat and the persistent face rubs that smear catspit on my cheeks and urge me to rise, because there is breakfast! Breakfast that is still in the can that needs to be consumed! LIKE NOW! MrowmrowNOW! Through the process of screaming and wandering, he’s awakened Sunny, and she’s whimpering because there is about to be a bladder explosion of monstrous canine proportions and I? Am still in bed, ignoring them both and just wishing that I’d gotten a goddamn goldfish instead. But the truth is, it’s 8:15 a.m. and I’m late for work. Little fuckers.
I’m not lazy. I’m an evening person with a fucked-up circadian rhythm, and life isn’t built for me. I come alive around noon, and am essentially useless prior to that. My peak working hours are between 4 and 8 p.m., which means that 90% of work (or life, for that matter) schedules are not built for people like me – I can’t do a night shift, as I crash by 1 a.m., and I can’t do a morning shift, because I can’t sleep UNTIL 1 a.m. Fortunately, I have a flexible job now that enables me to work at night if I wish and live like a real person – I work more, probably, than I ever did before, but at least it’s on my own timeframe.
In normal worlds, you are generally expected to be at work by a certain time, a feat I rarely accomplished. When I did, people would exclaim, “Wow, you sure got here early!” in a stupidly simple tone that usually made me want to gouge their eyeballs out with pointy objects, like maybe a box cutter or a grapefruit spoon.
No one understands. And God forbid you sleep late. My father-in-law is a morning person. He and his wife get up at 5 a.m. every day, when it’s still dark out, and at an hour that not too long ago was an acceptable bedtime for Adam and me. He calls us on the weekends, usually between 7 and 8 a.m., to see if Adam wants to play golf, or if we want to have dinner that night. His messages are usually accusatory, “God, don’t tell me you two are still asleep!” What he – and most morning people – fails to recognize is that when he was going to bed, I was still eating dinner. We’re not lazy and sleeping oh, 15 hours of the day, we’re just sleeping our normal sleeps at different times than you are. Okay? OKAY?!
This frustrating fact is also 99% of the reason I look like a vagabond by the time I get to work. I generally like to get there around 9:30 a.m., so as not to arouse any suspicions about where in the Christ I was all morning (usually with Gary Oldman in the Carribean somewhere, if you must know). This means if I rise at my usual 8:15 a.m. , I have exactly four minutes to get ready after walking the dog, feeding the furries and making a pot of coffee so that I can drive to work without killing someone. This schedule leaves little time for anything, such as showering, which means I have to shower at night so as not to become hairy moldy beast. This then perks me right up and keeps me up until 1:30 a.m. laying there praying for a piece of the ceiling to fall off and knock me the fuck out.
And the vicious cycle continues. I dream of changing this behavior like people dream of winning the lottery. I have visions of all the things I could accomplish before work – there are gyms to go to! Dishwashers to unload! Dogs to walk more than 30 seconds! Instead, it’s 10 p.m. and I still haven’t accomplished half of the things I want to get done before tomorrow. And before you know it, it’ll be 1:30 a.m.
Fucker.
*REM
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
39 Comments Add your own
1. Yez | July 20th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Not-Morning-People, unite! I’m just like that. And when I do get up, it’s a 30-minute wait for the brain to get in gear, although I can perform simple – mandatory – tasks like operating the coffeemaker. The other day (as I later sniveled to you in email), DH woke me with the news that we needed to jump into the car and drive 4 miles to the mechanic so he could fix the sudden shuddering, screaming-elephant-in-labor problem with the steering. I whined inwardly at the injustice of having to leave the house in a caffeine-free state, but the full horror of the situation struck me as we climbed in the car: we might have to walk home. WALK. HOME. FOUR. MILES. I actually cried as we drove to the garage, but the gods were smiling and all the bratty Altima needed was a good slug of hydraulic fluid! Close call, though. Not sure Jef understood that his life may have been on the line :>
2. Yez | July 20th, 2006 at 8:02 pm
OMG, LMAO. I can’t let anybody else have this word verification; I swear to god it’s “turd”!!!!!! X-D
Wait, maybe that’s a review of my comment
I took a screen shot. Had to be able to prove it.
3. Carolyn J. | July 20th, 2006 at 9:41 pm
I’m a daysleeper too – I blogged about it myself in response to your entry.
4. Gentry | July 21st, 2006 at 12:39 am
Here, here! Don’t fight those circadian urges. They’re bigger than you are. I sleep from 1.30am to 9am and I pity the pug, cat, or UPS man who dares rouse me from my precious slumber.
5. jonniker | July 21st, 2006 at 5:29 am
Yez: I can do something like drive to the mechanic if I *have* to. For some reason, I’m easier to get up if I know there will be opportunities to nap later, and it’s a one-time thing. But oh! No thinking before noon. Please. And turd!
Carolyn: So glad I’m not alone. Getting up at 6 a.m.? No. NO.
Gentry: Thankfully for us, pugs are lazy creatures, yes? Sunny would sleep until noon if the cat wold. She has no desire to get up early anymore than I do. I hope Napoleon is the same.
6. E | July 21st, 2006 at 5:46 am
OMG!!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I’d like to point out that the morning person thing is a curse! A CURSE that was put on my entire family. I don’t wake up early because I want to. Hells no. Like, I HAVE to. And the most unfortunate part is that it hurts those around me. I am at my most punchy in the morning and feel the need to spread said punchiness by yammering incessantly. And I know I need to shut up and let people ease into their days and I freakin’ CAN’T. It’s auto-pilot I swear.
One cool thing thoug – a couple of weeks ago I slept til about 9:30 (on a Saturday) and it was absolutely amazing. I was exposed to a whole new world. It won’t happen again for another couple of years I’m sure, but it was just interesting to see how the other half lives. The other half that can sleep past 6:30 goddammit.
p.s. I don’t recall boob exposure but then again I was so busy re-organizing my bag at 7 a.m. because I HAD TO ORGANIZE IT RIGHT THEN, that I may have missed the nip slip.
7. Yez | July 21st, 2006 at 5:48 am
Oh, I can drive in my sleep; that wasn’t the problem. It was the anticipation of a 4-mile march that made me cry!
6 a.m. is the middle of the night. (And I’m up at this ungodly hour because I fell asleep taping “Chinatown” and when my daybreak hot flash woke me up, I NEEDED to rewind the tape and see the end!)
8. Yez | July 21st, 2006 at 5:49 am
“and feel the need to spread said punchiness by yammering incessantly.”
E, meet Jef; Jef, E.
9. Jamie | July 21st, 2006 at 6:22 am
I literally just had a conversation with my boss about this – during the summer, company policy dictates that we work longer hours Mon-Thu, allowing us to leave at 1pm on Fridays. A huge bonus for us in the summer- i.e. peak travel season. For me, it’s just a big, fat nightmare. I fall asleep around midnight, and my peak productivity hours are 1pm-7pm, getting into work at 7:45 am is basically the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life.
Sad, but true. And more difficult to manage than I’d like to admit.
10. Lawyerish | July 21st, 2006 at 6:26 am
It’s weird – I used to be a late-night person; in law school I routinely stayed up past 2am (though as my entry today notes, I slept most of the day/evening away as a result). Since I started working (and since I married a total morning person), I am in bed at 10 and get up at 6, and I have loads more energy. The only requirement is that I get my solid 8 hours. If I only log 7 hours and 59 minutes, I will hit the snooze 87 times when the alarm goes off and then I will be groggy and cranky all day.
Also, no talking first thing in the morning. Just — don’t.
11. christine | July 21st, 2006 at 6:28 am
I’m not so much of a morning person, but neither am I a night owl. However, in a situation like yours and Erica’s I would be the Erica of the situation as I always wake up before the other person, always. Unless lots of drinking has been done and then I will stay in bed til 1pm dammit, and no one will get between me and the sweet sweet bed.
8:15 sounds great though. But alas, the boyfriend gets dropped off to work at 8:30 and I have to be at work at 8:45. So I usually wake up at the ungodly hour of 7. 6:45 if I am smart enough to avoid rushing like an ass. Of course a good 45 minutes of my morning is spent trying to rouse the boyfriend. An asshat. That’s what he is.
12. carol | July 21st, 2006 at 9:29 am
I have the answer for you – HAVE A BABY! It will fuck with your sleep rhythms unlike anything else!
I’m sorry – I’m not trying to pressure you, but it absolutely was the first thing I thought of and it made me laugh!
13. jonniker | July 21st, 2006 at 10:00 am
E: I forgot about the bag organizing! And how long it takes you to leave! OMG, I’m racked with nostalgia.
Jamie: 7:45 a.m. is the devil’s hour.
Ish: See, the idea of 10 p.m. gives me hives. Hives! I’m missing a few important hours! THREE OF THEM.
Christine: Gah, the miserable purgatory.
Carol: I knew someone would bring up the baby! But even a baby isn’t permanent. My mother is still a night person after three kids. Sigh.
14. Sarcomical | July 21st, 2006 at 11:36 am
oh my GOD.
i am you. you are me.
i imagine that when i have children someday they will be making their own breakfasts and getting themselves dressed in mismatched clothing because their mother, she will be in a sleep trance.
15. jonniker | July 21st, 2006 at 11:49 am
Sarcomical: You know, I hear kids don’t change a thing. Seriously. Yes, yes, sure they get you up early for a time, but these natural rhythms? We’ll revert right back to them. My mother is *still* a night person, and *still* can’t really rise before 8:30 a.m. no matter what, and my brother – after two kids – would still rather get up at noon, and fights it every day.
Doomed. We’re doomed. And yep, we’ll have latchkey kids even though we’re SAHMs. Because we’ll be asleep.
16. Kestrel | July 21st, 2006 at 2:17 pm
I’m not a morning person either, never have been, never will be. Imagine my woe when I discovered that my classes next semester are so early in the morning that I’ll have to leave the apartment by 6AM!!
:sob:
17. Leah | July 21st, 2006 at 2:50 pm
You are awesome. And I have to catch a plane at 6:45 tomorrow morning. NOT HAPPY.
(Hi, from your newest fan.)
18. jes | July 21st, 2006 at 3:02 pm
I can recall several days in college (not alltogether, mind you – but you know, randomly inserted) when I was so miffed that I would have to wake up eaarrrllyyyyy that I would actually take a shower, fix my hair, get dressed, and go to sleep, just to save me those extra few precious moments of sleep.
And then I would get up, brush my teeth, and leave the house very groggily.
19. Lara | July 21st, 2006 at 3:47 pm
I hear ya cackling, Jonna. Right there with ya. I’ve gotten a little better since moving in with Wilman – I think it’s because he is worse than I am, and I then worry about getting HIM up in time, so I get up earlier? This week I’ve been all messed up with my sleep though – up playing stupid games on msn.com or knitting or something else equally unimportant ALL NIGHT LONG. I’m such a dumbass sometimes.
Why is it that morning people – especially those that are early to work – always seem to think they’re superior to us normal folks? Gah.
20. Yez | July 21st, 2006 at 6:51 pm
Carol, tooooo funny! And yes, if I’m any example, we do eventually revert to our not-morning rhythms. Not sure whether it was nature or nurture, but my DD is not-morning as well (and she’s left her teens, so it’s not just typical adolescent lethargy). She even outsleeps me, and that’s practically impossible :>
21. Jurgen Nation | July 21st, 2006 at 7:08 pm
I am so with you. And when I do look decent when I go in, ten minutes after sitting down my makeup blotches, my hair goes up in a ponytail and I have a line of drool out of the side of my mouth. Not a good look for me.
22. jonniker | July 21st, 2006 at 9:26 pm
Kestrel: SIX AM? NOOOOO.
Leah: yay! OMG, thank you. I’m excited to ‘meet’ you!
Jes: totally did that too. Oh God. Still do recently. I KNOW.
Lara: They TOTALLY think they are superior, but do they see us working at night? hmmm? Fortunately, I have a work that is awesome about that. I work a lot at night on projects.
JN: HA! yes. I usually have coffee on my boob, too.
23. Martha | July 23rd, 2006 at 8:44 pm
God, I can’t do mornings either. Good think I’ve got a puppy who wakes up around 5:00 each morning and two young kids who rarely sleep past 6:15. The God of Sleep is punishing me somehow.
24. sarkasmo | August 1st, 2006 at 7:52 am
I got here by way of Sarcomical’s Perfect Post award. You deserved it just for the term “anesthetized pickle”.
And I’m raising my tiny fist in solidarity with all the not-morning people of the world. This morning I got up at 9:50 only because my cat feigned a different “emergency” howl than her usual one. How she continually tricks me into thinking that there’s something scary/dangerous/painful going on so that I’ll sit up and look at her “Feed me now?” face, I’ll never know. If I’m not sleeping on my side, she just jumps up and stands square on my bladder.
Anyway, I slept until 9:50 today and was pretty impressed with how early I got up. Go, me!
25. don't call me ma'am | August 2nd, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Me, too. Me, too. Me, too.
So if there are so many of us, why does the world make us revolve around THEM? I hate morning people with a blinding passion. Oh, and I have kids. They just learned to tiptoe past my door to make their own breakfasts. Thank God for cereal bars.
26. Kristen | August 3rd, 2006 at 8:40 pm
Congrats on the perfect post.
Those kids have no kids apparently, or no crazy sex life like me – that’s what keeps me up all hours of the night.
Heh. Okay. Not really. But I love sleep and early rising is for the dogs.
27. sandy | August 4th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
I am the sam way and always have been…sleep late and stay up late. I work from home, too, and I’m able to work at night. Sometimes I don’t go to bed until 3:00 a.m. Last night was 2:00 a.m. to bed and didn’t get up this morning until 11:30!
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