From the End of the World
July 26th, 2006
I’m trying to keep it light, as it’s BlogHer this week, and many people are traveling tomorrow. And I? Am not the least bit jealous. Nope. Not jealous. Not annoyed that I won’t get to spend the entire weekend at Whinger’s with Whinger and Partner and Dog and Cat and meeting all the other fine ladies of blogging. Nope. NOT AT ALL. I’ll be here contemplating poking my eyes out with sharp objects to get away from the madness. A smattering of the maddening madness:
– We’ve had such bad thunderstorms these last few days that I’ve been afraid to go downstairs. I have, in the most embarrassing of fashions, taken to bed. I am afraid that the lightning is going to come through the lanai doors and zap me on the couch. I have obsessively unplugged every single item in the house before we even lost electricity, because it was coming! For me! FOR ME SPECIFICALLY. You don’t understand. The lightning was right there. RIGHT THERE. I heard the sizzle and saw this entire bar of blue – BLUE – lightning going into the lake outside my door – steps from where I was resting my pretty little head. Repeatedly. And then it hit the grass and burning! There was burning! And crying. God, I was crying. And hiding under a blanket. And the hail! Jesus, the hail that pounded on our windows. It was the size of nickels, pelting down on us like little electrified bubbles, waiting to strike us down.
– Tonight at dinner, I ordered crab cakes and a side salad. My side salad came with no less than a full half-pound of raw bacon on top of it. Raw. bacon. RAWBACON. And when I tried to send it back, the waiter looked at me as though I’d lost my mind, “So you’re saying you don’t want it? The bacon, I mean. Do you want me to just take it off and bring it back?” While I realize bacon is cured, um, I really don’t think that the FDA advises eating any sort of uncooked pork products, no? And who puts pork products on a SIDE SALAD without warning? I ordered “mixed greens,” and ended up with a pile of swine. And no. No, I didn’t want it back with raw bacon grease after you took it off, spit in it and brought it back. No thank you.
– With all of the rain, the frogs are back. No, I’m not talking about Evil Toads, I’m talking about the frogs. They’re everywhere and then some. Covering our door at night. Clinging for warmth to our lampposts and climbing trees and walls and cars with their gummy little legs all OVER the place. It’s like some kind of freakish infestation we can’t shake. I can’t walk out the front door without displacing at least 25 frogs.
- I learned that a weird little group down here is opening up some sort of alternative burial site for people who wish to be cremated. Um, they’re offering the deceased the opportunity to be part of a “living reef” project. As in, you donate your ashes or, I’m assuming, the ashes of your loved one, as ashes can’t talk and how can the deceased be offered ANYthing? – ahem, anyway, you donate someone’s – a neighbor, a dog, whatever – ashes, and then they mix the ashes with all of these other people’s ashes and some sort of “eco-friendly compound” and then they are making some sort of GIANT MAN-MADE CORAL REEF off the coast, where manatee, dolphin and shellfish will frolic with your loved ones, apparently.
Um, okay. I haven’t seen a shellfish frolic in a long time, or maybe ever. And it’s a man-made “coral” reef made out of dead people. A death reef, if you will. The man-made death reef is just a cover for something more sinister, mark my words. But let’s face it, even if it’s not: what the hell? There’s a deadline to participate sometime next month. So if you’re itching to be part of the Death Reef, then you’d better off yourself, and soon.
– And lastly, it’s a blessing I’m not going to BlogHer. My normally-brilliant hairdresser cut my hair to resemble a circumcized penis, which would not bode well for people who just met me. I’d be remembered not for my sparkling wit or charming personality, but for the head that looked like it was about to ejaculate.
*ELO, from ‘Time’ the greatest album of all-time. All-time, get it? Gah. Boring. So boring today.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Amy K | July 27th, 2006 at 2:50 am
Raw bacon? Ewwwwww!!! Crispy should be the default bacon setting at all restaurants. I mean, who the hell wants non-crispy bacon? Only a lunatic. I know it takes a few extra seconds of valuable frying pan time to change that chewy, disgusting fat into crispy, smoky, glorious fat, but it’s worth it.
Haircut picture!
2. Lawyerish | July 27th, 2006 at 4:49 am
Is it me, or are you experiencing a series of plagues? Things sound rather…Biblical down there at the moment. And I’m including the haircut in that, because I’m sure that’s one of the apocryphal texts that didn’t make the cut into the Old Testament — a pox of phallic haircuts sweeping the Holy Land! O, the furor of an angry God!
The Death Reef. Oh. My. God. I wonder if it will become a popular scuba diving site? In fact, perhaps entire funerals will be held via scuba. The eulogy will be written on one of those white boards they give you when diving, usually so you can signal, “HEY. GET THIS SHARK OFF MY ARM,” or whatever. Just imagine the possibilities!
3. E | July 27th, 2006 at 5:52 am
Soylent Green dude. Soylent Green.
4. carol | July 27th, 2006 at 5:57 am
Frogs? on your door? That doesn’t sound okay… Hey – I’m jealous, too! I’m surrounded by people already at BlogHer or going. Shall we join them next year?????
5. Christine | July 27th, 2006 at 6:28 am
My sister wants to be buried at sea, she’s 22. It’s been part of her plan since the tender age of 7 when she became OBSESSED with sharks. And how I wish it were kidding. I think she would jump all over the death reef…and therefore, she must never know that she missed her opportunity.
Raw bacon? gross. Crispy bacon? delicious.
6. Jen W. | July 27th, 2006 at 7:38 am
mmmm….crispy bacon…..
7. Dee | July 27th, 2006 at 7:56 am
Please PLEASE post a pic of the cut that resembles a circumcized penis… I BEG of you!
8. Whinger | July 27th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Seriously. Raw bacon came on your SALAD, and they didn’t seem to think anything was wrong with that.
Sad you’re not here this weekend. Another time.
The Death Reef made me laugh out loud. It’s totally where Darth Vader would want his remains.
9. GG | July 27th, 2006 at 9:50 am
Oh, so many comments to make!
(1) Raw bacon? EW.
(2) Lightening? This made me think of the Second Stupidest Movie Ever, War of the Worlds. I woudl tell you to watch it so you could know what I mean, but I won’t put you through that sort of hell. When I lived in Florida and we had bad lightening storms, for some reason, I thought it safest in the bathtub (without water in it), so I’d gather up the cats and take them into the bathroom with me and then I’d lay down in the tub and wait it out. I have no idea where I got this idea. Now it sounds very silly.
(3) Tree frogs! So cute when alive, and yet so gross when smooshed. Ew. Would you believe, I once heard a rumor that they were endangered? Yah, I don’t believe it either.
(4) The death reef creeps the shit out of me. That might be the grossest. thing. ever.
(5) I’m not going to BlogHer either. Part of me is sad about this; the other part of me knows I’d be terribly intimidated by the crowd of bloggers I admire so much.
10. Heather | July 27th, 2006 at 12:08 pm
Um…eww.. to all the frogs. I assume that you must then run some over as you drive? I would never leave the house!!
And what… no picture of the hairdo? (J/K) Hope it grows back quickly.
11. Crissy | July 27th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
Death reef. Oh my.
12. Beth | July 27th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Wow. How did they come up with the Death Reef idea? I’d have liked to listen in on the planning meeting for that one. Have you heard of the Life Gem — the diamond made from your loved one’s carbon? Oh, yes. You know you want one. ;^)
13. Stinkypaw | July 27th, 2006 at 7:23 pm
Raw bacon on a salad – yuck!
Frog legs as a side dish could be interesting though…
Unlike the death reef, that is just plain weird!
You say you look like a circumsized penis, well I was told today that my hair dresser is off for 3 weeks, so by the time she gets back I’ll look like a bikini area that needs a serious waxing!
14. Jurgen Nation | July 28th, 2006 at 11:01 am
But I wish you were her at BlogHer!!!! Next year??
15. -R- | July 28th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
I want to see your hair!
16. claire | July 28th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
the death reef. that is freakishly strange.
oh, you floridians… so silly.
17. jodi | July 28th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
I wanted to go to Blogher last year AND this year…but didn’t want to go by myself! I even thought about getting NYU to pay for it — as if! Ha! Meanwhile, if you decide to get a group together and go next year, I’m SO there!!
Love the new site design, btw.
xo
jodi
18. jonniker | July 30th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
Amy: Raw! RAW! I KNOW!
Ish: BIBLICAL INDEED. YES!
E: I died. DIED. But you knew that already.
Carol: Yes. Yes, we should.
Christine: really? I find this so interesting!
Jen: I adore bacon. Bacon! BACON!
Dee: If I thought it would translate AT ALL on camera, I totally would, But it doesn’t.
Whinger: Why Darth? Would you believe I’ve never seen Star Wars?
GG: Dead on on all accounts.
Heather! you do run them over! You do!
Crissy: I KNOW.
Beth: THAT IS A REAL THING? Seriously?
SP: they have frog legs as a dish EVERYWHERE here! EVERYWHERE!
JN: Maybe. Chicago is a bit silly.
R: it doesn’t photograph well! I swear! I would if It did.
Claire: One dude actually talked about how he SCUBA DIVED (dove) to his loved one’s reef all the time.
Jodi: We should. We should!
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed