Where is My Mind?

I learned some valuable things this weekend. First: I have a strong tendency towards camel toe. Pants just seem to naturally fall all camel-toe on me, and by the 30th camel toe I caught in the mirror as I tried things on in the dressing room this weekend, I was pretty much mystified. The problem was clearly not the pants, right? It must be me! And what, exactly, is it about my nethers that invites camel toe?

I considered the fact that I could have hair that, while not excessive, is prone to um, volume? Or worse…is it fat? Have I gotten fat everywhere?

Secondly, I love going to my usual nail salon for so many reasons. Let me explain: although I am a fashion dullard who can barely move beyond the confines of Reefs and khaki cargo pants, I get regular pedicures and eyebrow waxes. Totally incongruous, I know, but I am a stickler for manicured feet and eyebrows. Plus, I love hearing the stories of the Vietnamese family who owns it. I love hearing their soft chatter in a language I couldn’t comprehend if I had a magic decoder ring. The other day while I was getting my feet done, Oprah was on the TV talking about the challenge of minimum wage workers, and all three of them (sisters) were screaming, “GET ANOTHER JOB! I COME TO THIS COUNTRY WITH NO MONEY. I GET THREE JOBS! I START BUSINESS! BE SMART! MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!” Then they looked at me: “Americans are so stupid sometimes. And also fat and lazy!”

They’re hilarious and so blunt and my God, they are so smart. They have a giant franchise of nail salons and probably make more than I’ll ever dream of making, and yep, they started with nothing – all three of them worked at McDonald’s when they first came here 8 years ago. What’s not hilarious is the French pedicure I’m sporting that I let the youngest sister talk me into “French! FRENCH! I DO FRENCH!” She said it in such a stern tone that who was I to argue? Anyway, “French” and “pedicure” are two words that should never be used in the same sentence. French manicures are designed to make nails look longer, no? Why then, would I wish to make my toenails look longer? I am now sporting freakishly defined toenails that resemble fingers.

Gross. Gross! And yet, I have not changed it, because I am lazy, and also fat. And American!

And in the non-sequitur department: while shopping this afternoon, I got to chatting with an elderly clerk at Macy’s for no logical reason. While she rang up my (tiny) purchase, she was complaining about working on commission, but that she loved helping people. When I politely offered that she could work at a boutique-y type place, as there are so many here! So many! She replied:

“Yes, but this is where Jesus told me to go. I will stay until He tells me otherwise.”

And so at Macy’s she will stay until Jesus hands down further instructions.

Happy Monday.

**Pixies

26 comments July 30th, 2006