Where is My Mind?
July 30th, 2006
I learned some valuable things this weekend. First: I have a strong tendency towards camel toe. Pants just seem to naturally fall all camel-toe on me, and by the 30th camel toe I caught in the mirror as I tried things on in the dressing room this weekend, I was pretty much mystified. The problem was clearly not the pants, right? It must be me! And what, exactly, is it about my nethers that invites camel toe?
I considered the fact that I could have hair that, while not excessive, is prone to um, volume? Or worse…is it fat? Have I gotten fat everywhere?
Secondly, I love going to my usual nail salon for so many reasons. Let me explain: although I am a fashion dullard who can barely move beyond the confines of Reefs and khaki cargo pants, I get regular pedicures and eyebrow waxes. Totally incongruous, I know, but I am a stickler for manicured feet and eyebrows. Plus, I love hearing the stories of the Vietnamese family who owns it. I love hearing their soft chatter in a language I couldn’t comprehend if I had a magic decoder ring. The other day while I was getting my feet done, Oprah was on the TV talking about the challenge of minimum wage workers, and all three of them (sisters) were screaming, “GET ANOTHER JOB! I COME TO THIS COUNTRY WITH NO MONEY. I GET THREE JOBS! I START BUSINESS! BE SMART! MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!” Then they looked at me: “Americans are so stupid sometimes. And also fat and lazy!”
They’re hilarious and so blunt and my God, they are so smart. They have a giant franchise of nail salons and probably make more than I’ll ever dream of making, and yep, they started with nothing – all three of them worked at McDonald’s when they first came here 8 years ago. What’s not hilarious is the French pedicure I’m sporting that I let the youngest sister talk me into “French! FRENCH! I DO FRENCH!” She said it in such a stern tone that who was I to argue? Anyway, “French” and “pedicure” are two words that should never be used in the same sentence. French manicures are designed to make nails look longer, no? Why then, would I wish to make my toenails look longer? I am now sporting freakishly defined toenails that resemble fingers.
Gross. Gross! And yet, I have not changed it, because I am lazy, and also fat. And American!
And in the non-sequitur department: while shopping this afternoon, I got to chatting with an elderly clerk at Macy’s for no logical reason. While she rang up my (tiny) purchase, she was complaining about working on commission, but that she loved helping people. When I politely offered that she could work at a boutique-y type place, as there are so many here! So many! She replied:
“Yes, but this is where Jesus told me to go. I will stay until He tells me otherwise.”
And so at Macy’s she will stay until Jesus hands down further instructions.
Happy Monday.
**Pixies
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. carol | July 31st, 2006 at 5:53 am
KEEP the pedicure – it looks great! I have such Fred Flinstone feet – maybe the French style would help me????
2. Lawyerish | July 31st, 2006 at 5:55 am
So much funny in just the one post! The public parental email is so something that would happen to me.
Also, people in my hometown do things like take particular jobs because they believe Jesus instructed them to do so. My mom recently got a chair reupholstered, and the guy was taking forEVER to get it done, so my dad finally called to find out when the hell they would get the chair back. So the guy said he hadn’t been able to get it done yet, but he would “pray on it.” Yyyyyeah.
3. Christine | July 31st, 2006 at 6:21 am
Jesus never tells me what I’m supposed to do with my life. Jeez. Although maybe if I had a Vietnamese pedicurist she would be willing and able to advise? Jesus, maybe he is also lazy when it comes to the Northerners…hmm…
4. Whitters | July 31st, 2006 at 6:45 am
Hee! So much funny, so little time.
I think your toes look delish. I personally love French pedicures because they go with every color outfit/shoes.
5. -R- | July 31st, 2006 at 6:48 am
I am anti-French pedicures. It is just weird.
I did not know Jesus was so specific as to guide people to certain department stores. Maybe Jesus just loves Macy’s? Interesting.
Your dad is so cute!
6. GG | July 31st, 2006 at 8:59 am
Jonniker, you crack. me. UP!
First, I do NOT believe this nonsense about you and camel toes! (But, hilarious!) My theory here is that you are trying to make “hipster” pants hang at the natural waist instead? Perhaps? Camel toe girl. And NO, I sincerely doubt that your hoo-hah got fat. Heh.
I have to say…I think French pedis look weird! However, I would also be too lazy to change mine (if coerced to get one).
Jesus: Work at Macy’s.
GG: Um…really?
Your Dad is TOO CUTE!!!!!
7. Martha | July 31st, 2006 at 9:21 am
Hmmm…I always figured Jesus as more of a no-frills Sears sort of guy. Then again, I’m Jewish, so what do I know?
8. Jamie | July 31st, 2006 at 10:10 am
Holy flip-flop tan, Batman. I tease because I am secretly jealous of your ability to retain extended amounts of darkened pigmentation. We albinos always hate the tan folk, what can I say?
In other news, I ban ban BAN the french pedicure. I got it once and was so thoroughly creeped out that I paid to have it immediately removed and replaced with a more sensible fire engine red. I never returned to that salon for fear that I would be publicly stoned for being particular.
9. Banana | July 31st, 2006 at 10:47 am
love those french toes!! And love the story re:proud dad!
But I’m most curious as to why your foot is being photographed on what appears to be a pot-holder? Do tell..
Banana
10. Crissy | July 31st, 2006 at 11:22 am
I like the french pedicure. It looks nice and will go with whatever you are wearing.
11. jonniker | July 31st, 2006 at 11:36 am
Carol: My feet are horrific, as you can see. What’s with the toes? THE ANGLED TOES?
Ish: Pray on it? Oh good God. No pun intended.
Christine: I’ll ask the ladies if they’re available to discuss. I’m sure they would
Whitters: It’s the Polyester Bride herself! I see your point re: the Frenchies, but ack! THE TOENAILS PAINTED ON!
R: I wonder what Jesus’ attachment to Macy’s is.
GG: I THINK THAT IS IT. OH MY GOD, mystery solved. I hate hipster pants and I *always* want them to sit higher. It’s MY FAULT.
Maaaahtha: I would have thought Sears, too. It has tools.
Jamie: Well, when all you wear are flip flops, the flip flop tan is inevitable. And no more! NO MORE FRENCH PEDICURES.
Bananz: It’s our bed quilt. I cackled out loud.
Crissy: Ack! Really? I am so self-conscious of it.
12. Jen W. | July 31st, 2006 at 12:03 pm
The fact that your dad posted to the website unknowingly is so funny and cute. The french pedicure? Not so much. And the pants? Sistah- let them sit lower!
13. jonniker | July 31st, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Jen: That’s totally what it is, but still, that means that I hate all pants. Hate them. And hate my camel toe. I know! I KNOW! The French pedicure! I hate it! HATE IT!
14. jonniker | July 31st, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Wait. WAIT. I just realized: camel toe appeared while I was trying on skirts. Puffiness. PUFFINESS. It’s NOT that I’m hiking up my pants entirely!
SKIRTS. IT HAPPENED IN SKIRTS.
15. Sarcomical | July 31st, 2006 at 1:05 pm
rarely is a blogger talented enough to cover the diverse range of topics you did in a singular post. well done.
well done.
16. Claire | July 31st, 2006 at 1:11 pm
i have no insight into the skirt / camel toe thing
17. Claire | July 31st, 2006 at 1:19 pm
The camel toe-in-a-skirt thing IS kind of weird, but i would have to say that maybe the skirts are too tight around your hips or thighs and laying kind of strangely in that region, there. just a guess.
I totally agree with the french pedicure. I think they’re really weird looking and don’t really understand why you would want to make your toenails look MORE like toenails. Or even BIGGER toenails. It’s just gross.
Your dad. Aww,,,
18. Claire | July 31st, 2006 at 1:20 pm
OOPS!! i must have hit the button early.. Sorry!!!
19. jonniker | July 31st, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Claire: I know! I know it seems so LOGICAL! Like it should be something that’s just…ill fitting, but really, it would all fine and good, and I’d be about to walk out with the skirt and then…BAM! Camel toe. An odd, puffed sort of camel toe. And then I’d do exactly that – try one size up, or think, maybe, I don’t know, I’d gotten too fat and hadn’t noticed, but nope! I’d get the size bigger/different/whatever and then the bigger one would drop immediately to the floor, as I was already just a LITTLE too small for the existing size.
This is one of the frillions of reasons why I need to go shopping with other people. Someone needs to bear witness to this.
20. Amy K | July 31st, 2006 at 2:28 pm
I always figured Jesus liked Wal-Mart more than Macy’s – so much for that theory. The dad email is cute!
Did a post get deleted? I wanted to comment about your first full year in Florida and then it was gone.
21. Yez | July 31st, 2006 at 5:33 pm
“He POSTED IT TO THE WEBSITE. So, right under an article that I wrote where I tried to pretend I was a Serious Journalist, you could see, until I get our web team to take it off”
{{cough}} Screen shot available for a modest fee. ]:>
And – once again, ONLY YOU, Jonna. A camel-toe in a skirt! {{swabs coffee off new monitor}}
22. jonniker | July 31st, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Sarcomical; Oh dude. Thank you.
I wish I could help with the mourning dove epidemic ;->
Amy: I did hold off a day. i was too maudlin for my own good. I updated it now
Yez: I know! I KNOW. And to think, I never would have known about it, if not for yooooou!
23. urban chick | August 1st, 2006 at 1:45 pm
oh, i am laughing so much about your dad’s post to the website
that is so sweet, and yet so horribly embarrassing
**gazes heavenwards and thanks the macy’s-employment-recommending god that own parents are technophiles**
UC
24. Gentry | August 4th, 2006 at 8:11 am
Yeah, don’t do the French pedicure again. And Jesus directing the HR at Macy’s….I’m dumbfounded.
25. Alex | October 7th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I LOVE WOMEN’S NAILS!!!!!!!!!!!
The pic of Your Foot is GORGEOUS!!!!!!!
French Pedicures are GREAT!!!! and Your’s looks FAN-TAS-TIC!!!!!!!
26. Parks23Alana | April 12th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
This is good that we are able to receive the mortgage loans and that opens up completely new chances.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed