Talk Talk

I am socially awkward. I think I’m shy, I guess, but the behavior doesn’t really match up with typical shyness. I avoid social situations, sort of – I mean, I hate parties, and I hate large groups of people where I don’t know anyone. I am supremely uncomfortable at events where I don’t have at least one grounding source and if there is that grounding source, I’m
usually clinging to them until I get comfortable, but when I’m comfortable, I’m okay. Kind of. Well, you’ll see.

Instead of clamming up, as would be the smart, prudent thing to do, thus leaving people with the impression that I am either dull, beneath consideration or extremely snobby, I go all hypersocial! And talky! on everyone, which means instead of being known as ‘the dull one,’ I end up being known as ‘the crazy one.’

Again, I start talking. Talking. And touching them. I start touching people. And announcing personal details. God. I can’t keep anything to myself. The thing is, I can’t let an awkward moment just lie there. I need to announce it, share it, call it out for everyone to examine. Tonight, for example, the waitress got my order wrong in a giant, heaping way. She brought a giant plate of bacon and steak*, when I’d ordered crab cakes. After kindly establishing that it wasn’t what I ordered, she started apologizing, which then made ME feel bad, which then compelled me to start launching off on all the mistakes I made when I was a waitress, only of course, I never explained that I was actually a waitress and went on on life’s mistakes, which sounded something like:

“OHMYGOD! DARLING! Darling waitress! I fuck up in my life ALL THE TIME, and dude, if everyone got mad at me like you think I’m going to get mad at you I’d be dead by now! People would KILL ME! Dead! I’d be dead! Because in my life, I fuck up ALL THE TIME! I can’t do anything right! Ever! Ask me the last thing I did right! Right? Right! NOTHING! I DO NOTHING RIGHT!”

I was holding her hand throughout this and then I started petting her arm and saying, “It’s okay! It’s OKAY!” To complete the picture, an invisible fly flew into my ear canal, and I started twitching and swatting at my ear and bobbing my head like I had some sort of uncontrollable disease. By this time she was thoroughly freaked out and ran away awkwardly.

I just can’t let an awkward moment lie there. I can’t sit with silence. I need to call out why we’re all feeling awkward, and usually the reason is me. The last time I saw Adam’s cousin Matthew (who is extraordinarily hot, which makes it worse), I thought we were doing cheek kisses and he thought we were doing hugs, which meant that I ended up enveloping his neck in a big old smooch. And of COURSE I couldn’t just let it lay there, I had to announce wildly: “I just kissed your neck! OH MY GOD! I kissed your neck! YOUR NECK! I KISSED YOU. I’m SORRY! I KISSED YOU! It’s not like I want you or anything, as I am married to your cousin! HAHAHAHAHA! How AWKWARD!”

And then there are the medical conditions. I recently ended up in a conversation with a new colleague, and within five minutes, I inexplicably found myself announcing, “I know what you mean! I have this giant rash behind my ear and it really freaks me out! I mean, it was touch and go there, I thought I was going to LOSE MY EAR. And God, I am so prone to urinary tract infections.”

Um, we weren’t talking about ANYTHING health-related. And later, when I thought I spied someone glancing at my hair and/or my forehead:

“I have hummus in my hair!”** followed by “I have a zit on my forehead!”

God, I can’t let a single moment of awkwardness lie there. I need to pick at it like a scab until it’s dripping blood for everyone to see. What’s most heartbreaking about this is that I have moments – moments where I am on, and I am the most composed, normal person ever and even I’m impressed with my composure and eloquence.

Unfortunately, these moments happen about twice a year. Until then, I’ll leave you with the last thing I said to my boss before I left today, which pretty much sums it up:

“I have to go to the bathroom pretty badly, so I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Someone help me.

*The same restaurant that gave me raw bacon last week. And yet, I continue to go there.

**I actually did have a large chunk of Greek hummus in my hair, which is an entirely different issue altogether.

***Talk Talk

24 comments August 3rd, 2006