Talk Talk
August 3rd, 2006
I am socially awkward. I think I’m shy, I guess, but the behavior doesn’t really match up with typical shyness. I avoid social situations, sort of – I mean, I hate parties, and I hate large groups of people where I don’t know anyone. I am supremely uncomfortable at events where I don’t have at least one grounding source and if there is that grounding source, I’m
usually clinging to them until I get comfortable, but when I’m comfortable, I’m okay. Kind of. Well, you’ll see.
Instead of clamming up, as would be the smart, prudent thing to do, thus leaving people with the impression that I am either dull, beneath consideration or extremely snobby, I go all hypersocial! And talky! on everyone, which means instead of being known as ‘the dull one,’ I end up being known as ‘the crazy one.’
Again, I start talking. Talking. And touching them. I start touching people. And announcing personal details. God. I can’t keep anything to myself. The thing is, I can’t let an awkward moment just lie there. I need to announce it, share it, call it out for everyone to examine. Tonight, for example, the waitress got my order wrong in a giant, heaping way. She brought a giant plate of bacon and steak*, when I’d ordered crab cakes. After kindly establishing that it wasn’t what I ordered, she started apologizing, which then made ME feel bad, which then compelled me to start launching off on all the mistakes I made when I was a waitress, only of course, I never explained that I was actually a waitress and went on on life’s mistakes, which sounded something like:
“OHMYGOD! DARLING! Darling waitress! I fuck up in my life ALL THE TIME, and dude, if everyone got mad at me like you think I’m going to get mad at you I’d be dead by now! People would KILL ME! Dead! I’d be dead! Because in my life, I fuck up ALL THE TIME! I can’t do anything right! Ever! Ask me the last thing I did right! Right? Right! NOTHING! I DO NOTHING RIGHT!”
I was holding her hand throughout this and then I started petting her arm and saying, “It’s okay! It’s OKAY!” To complete the picture, an invisible fly flew into my ear canal, and I started twitching and swatting at my ear and bobbing my head like I had some sort of uncontrollable disease. By this time she was thoroughly freaked out and ran away awkwardly.
I just can’t let an awkward moment lie there. I can’t sit with silence. I need to call out why we’re all feeling awkward, and usually the reason is me. The last time I saw Adam’s cousin Matthew (who is extraordinarily hot, which makes it worse), I thought we were doing cheek kisses and he thought we were doing hugs, which meant that I ended up enveloping his neck in a big old smooch. And of COURSE I couldn’t just let it lay there, I had to announce wildly: “I just kissed your neck! OH MY GOD! I kissed your neck! YOUR NECK! I KISSED YOU. I’m SORRY! I KISSED YOU! It’s not like I want you or anything, as I am married to your cousin! HAHAHAHAHA! How AWKWARD!”
And then there are the medical conditions. I recently ended up in a conversation with a new colleague, and within five minutes, I inexplicably found myself announcing, “I know what you mean! I have this giant rash behind my ear and it really freaks me out! I mean, it was touch and go there, I thought I was going to LOSE MY EAR. And God, I am so prone to urinary tract infections.”
Um, we weren’t talking about ANYTHING health-related. And later, when I thought I spied someone glancing at my hair and/or my forehead:
“I have hummus in my hair!”** followed by “I have a zit on my forehead!”
God, I can’t let a single moment of awkwardness lie there. I need to pick at it like a scab until it’s dripping blood for everyone to see. What’s most heartbreaking about this is that I have moments – moments where I am on, and I am the most composed, normal person ever and even I’m impressed with my composure and eloquence.
Unfortunately, these moments happen about twice a year. Until then, I’ll leave you with the last thing I said to my boss before I left today, which pretty much sums it up:
“I have to go to the bathroom pretty badly, so I’ll see you tomorrow!”
Someone help me.
*The same restaurant that gave me raw bacon last week. And yet, I continue to go there.
**I actually did have a large chunk of Greek hummus in my hair, which is an entirely different issue altogether.
***Talk Talk
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
24 Comments Add your own
1. Whinger | August 3rd, 2006 at 6:36 pm
Why would I help you with this? It sounds unbelievably charming and adorable.
God, you’re funny.
2. Lawyerish | August 3rd, 2006 at 7:02 pm
This is exactly why we were destined to be friends. You kill me. Every time.
I tend to announce irrelevant and uninteresting — and sometimes overly personal — facts about myself. “I look JUST like my dad. Seriously! We have the same legs. Except, mine aren’t as hairy.” You know. That kind of thing. These factoids tend to pop out at times such as when I am in a car with a partner from work, because I prefer to steer the conversation away from work and toward lighter things, and I end up sounding like a babbling child. If anyone needs help. I need help.
I am hopeful that some people, like Whinger, find it charming. I can say that YOUR way certainly sounds charming. You rule.
3. GG | August 3rd, 2006 at 8:27 pm
This is so very familiar to me – and yet it sounds so much funnier when YOU do it! My worst one? Wilman and I had dinner and a few drinks and were walking back to our apartment (this was about a year ago, when we’d first moved here). A few steps after we’d walked past a bar with outside seating, I realized someone was calling my name. Turned around to find that it was a girl I knew my sophomore year of college. I FREAKED OUT in my excitement of OMG! I know someone here! I might have a FRIEND! and was hugging her and talking about what a loser I feel like here and how much I love that she lives here and OMG! I just touched your boob! I’m not a lesbian now or anything! Sorry! I love you! CALL ME! OMG! CALL ME! Here’s my NUMBER!!!
Did the girl ever call? Um, no. Wilman swears it was the boob/lesbian comment that did it. Or the fact that I kept patting her head.
I am so freakin’ shameful.
4. Bethany Coffey | August 3rd, 2006 at 11:59 pm
Hi, yeah. Story of my life. This is why I drink. I either feel like I come off as totally inapropriate(maybe due to the drinking) or completely inert. Not dumb, or crasy really just moot….ahhhh, to be socially comfortable…….
5. Christine | August 4th, 2006 at 5:45 am
Jonna, you crack me up…no seriously. I’m am obnoxiously polite to strangers/service providers even when they’re rude or not properly doing their job. It drives my boyfriend NUTS, example a cab driver who is clearly going down some extra streets to up the meter. ME: Excuse me? Sir? Sir? Hi! Yes? No, I said 6th and South. Right, Sir. No sir, we didn’t need to drive up to 10th to get there. Okay, thanks!
Boyfriend (loudly): Did you just call this asshat “Sir?”
And oh my god, if I’m drunk it just gets worst.
6. Lisa Ann | August 4th, 2006 at 5:56 am
It’s not being crazy, it’s being quirky & charming. That’s how I prefer to think of it anyway. Thanks for the laugh *and the look in the mirror*.
7. Gypsy | August 4th, 2006 at 6:30 am
Oh, God. That’s so me, too. I walk away from most conversations going, “Why did I say that? Why!!?” and smacking my hand against my forehead.
8. Claire | August 4th, 2006 at 6:47 am
how about inappropriately kissing a collegue (on the cheek, mind you) simply because you haven’t seen them in a long time? I can relate to your inappropriateness. I wasn’t really terribly close to this man while he worked in my building, but once he was transferred to another site? It was like he was my long, lost friend. I happened to run into him in the lobby one day when i was in a particularly happy mood. I said a big loud “HI!!” walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek. No smooth move, being as he’s like a foot taller than me. Also he is like a VP now or something. Shocked the hell out of him, that’s for sure.
I avoid him like the plague now. Ugh.. so embarrassing.
9. Kathryn | August 4th, 2006 at 7:09 am
I love how unapologetically nutty you are!
10. Stinkypaw | August 4th, 2006 at 8:10 am
You are hilarious!
You know the worst part of it all is that most often it is the shy ones , like us, I often do “charming” things like that, who do or say the strangest things. When I tell people I’m shy they look at me and laugh, always saying “you? yeah right!” But I am!
I had a similar episode with a hug/kiss. In Quebec we kiss on both cheeks (I guess it’s the French heritage or something), so I met this guy friend for lunch who was in town for business. He’s american. I walked up to him, hugs were exchanged and then he kissed me on the cheek. Since I always do 2, as her turned (after he was done with his kissing!) I smacked him one right on the lips! Talk about awkward! But we laughed about it… or at least he did!
BTW, scab picking is fun!
11. Crissy | August 4th, 2006 at 8:26 am
I have the habit of being overly social in new situations. I crack jokes, tell “funny” stories and all in all just make a fool of myself. Thankfully most people overlook this and still talk to me.
12. Heather B. | August 4th, 2006 at 8:56 am
DITTO.
That is the story of my life.
13. Jen W. | August 4th, 2006 at 9:21 am
I was on a date in college with a guy who used to play for our football team. He was GIGANTIC. I mean really tall and full of muscles. Totally not my type, but he was hot and for some reason, he really liked me. We got to talking about his family and he mentioned how his mom was really small and short. So I said, “Oh, your dad must be really tall then, huh?” Perfectly normal thing to say. He replies that no, his dad was only 5’10″ or so. And then I blurt out, “Oh my god, you’re like a freak of nature!” He actually asked me out for another date.
14. Sarcastic Journalist | August 4th, 2006 at 9:51 am
Were we separated at birth? I do THE SAME THING.
15. Yez | August 4th, 2006 at 10:30 am
When my reclusive cousin showed up at my door out of *nowhere* the other day (it’s been years since I’ve seen him), I:
a) exclaimed “BRUCE!” in the tone of voice I’d use for “AMELIA EARHART!”;
b) threw myself around him and enthusiastically kissed his ear region, being too panicked to stay on-target for the cheek;
c) ignored the few brain cells resisting paralysis which were shouting “Garbo was an extrovert compared to Bruce”;
d) invited him in, despite the neglected-warehouse ambience & 95° core house temperature (95 goes for the humidity, too); and
e) never once considered that important news about his family might have prompted his visit (thankfully, there was no such news).
16. Leah | August 4th, 2006 at 11:58 am
I have a thing about announcing how much things cost when people compliment me on them. In fact, I was halfway through composing an entry on that very subject when I popped over here for a diversion.
17. jonniker | August 4th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
Whinge: I’m not sure Adam finds it charming. He’s usually trying to hide under something while I dig holes.
Ish: Yes! YES! In professional situations! God, the things I’ve said to VPs and the like. Good God.
GG: I’m howling. I’ve done that! YES! And why is it that our spouses are always there to point it out? You can’t pretend it didn’t happen then.
BC: Drinking makes it worse. Then I not only make a fool of myself, I repeat myself mercilessly.
Christine: I’m dying! “Sir! Sir! SIR!”
LisaAnn: I am so…awkward about it, I can’t imagine it’s charming. Oooh ooh, and sometimes? I snort with laughter awkwardly to make it worse.
Gypsy: THE REMORSE. It’s the worst, isn’t it?
Claire: OMG. Kissing. Inappropriate kissing. I love it. Not unlike necking Adam’s cousin.
Kathryn: You see why you should not fear meeting me? I make anyone who is near me look like the most gracious, stunning person EVER.
SP: I KNOW! IT IS SHYNESS. And yet: it comes across as awkward outgoingness. Gak.
Crissy: The “funny” stories. Ugh, I know them well. Sometimes they involve me oversharing about my period or something. Great.
HB: Per usual, eh? Awesome.
Jen: I just cackled out loud. Freak of nature.
SJ: Yes, but you are probably actually all smart and charming-like when you do it. At least that’s how I picture you.
Yez: Given that it was a long-lost cousin who popped out of nowhere, the whole list seems startlingly appropriate.
Leah: Oh god. I understand this, because I usually deflect compliments by arguing with people. I end up shouting at them, “NO. NO I AM NOT NICE OR PRETTY OR ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND YOU ARE NUTS TO SAY SO. AND KINDLY FUCK OFF.” I’m so *rude* to people who compliment me, because I don’t believe them. Nice, right?
18. savia | August 4th, 2006 at 1:05 pm
This made me laugh out loud, and not a lot of things do that, so thanks for making my day!
19. amyjami | August 4th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
if i’m not saying inappropriate shit and mumbling to people so the won’t really realize what it was that i just said i’m just clamming up and not saying anything. and doing the blank stare, because really, i’m in a total panic that they’re thinking i’m a complete tool.
i’m either “the crazy one” (and they say it in not a good way) or “does she like ANYONE?”
my god, you’re hysterical! thanks again for the laugh!
20. Dave | August 4th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
A had a friend whose girlfriend was exactly like this. We (by “we” I mean “everyone”) used to make the gesture of pointing to our temples then opening our mouths and pointing out of our mouths. Everyone associated that gesture with the girl.
The good news is that they’re still married 10 years later, so it’s apparently a liveable condition.
21. carol | August 4th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
For the record – you did not one thing awkward, weird or socially unacceptable when I saw you during TWO meals and a walk on the beach. DAMN….were you holding out on me??
Seriously – I laughed out loud at this, but it certainly wasn’t simlar to the woman I met.
22. jonniker | August 5th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
savia: No no, thank you. Honestly. That was really nice to say.
Amy: I’m learning I’m not alone!
Dave: Heh. Are we referring to the complete lack of brain-to-mouth filter? Right here. RIGHT HERE.
Carol: Mattresses! I WENT ON ABOUT MATTRESSES.
23. Dave | August 6th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Yup, totally unfiltered. I haven’t seen them in years. but the moment I remember most clearly about them was going mountain biking. The girl got to a particular dangerous patch with no way to stop, and this proper, Wellesley-educated young lady began unleashing a stream of profanity that took my head clean off. It really was quite a spectacle.
24. Young Lesbians Having Sex&hellip | August 20th, 2007 at 5:00 am
Young Lesbians Having Sex
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
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