Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others
August 7th, 2006
In terms of public humiliation, there are a few things that dangle out there like a pair of bad earrings that you always hear of happening to someone, but it never actually happens to you or anyone you know. Gah, it always feels like I am that someone.
Yesterday, in a fit of desperation borne out of sweltering heat and terminal laziness, I whipped out a supercheap empire-waist tank top procured from Old Navy a few months ago. After I tried it on at home, I promptly stuffed into the back of the closet after Adam and I collectively deemed it unflattering. But, it was hot, the top was black and I figured if I stuck it over a fluid black jersey skirt, it would be borderline acceptable. Black on black! Slimming! Loose! Comfortable!
Or not. While I was out walking Sunny yesterday, I ran into our neighbor as she walked her puffy little cockermaltidoodlepoo. I stopped to chat, as we always do and midway through the conversation, I noticed her hungrily eyeing my midsection. I ignored her and assumed I’d spilled some kind of latte or ketchup somewhere, per usual, until she said: “Oh honey…I hope you don’t find this too forward, but you and Adam are expecting, right?”
Dude, how many times have you heard this story? It’s practically an urban legend, for chrissake! I would love nothing more than to tell you that either a) I am pregnant (ummm, no) or b) that I promptly told her how rude she was, and/or punched her in the face or even started crying to let her know how crappy it felt to be accused of having a pregnant belly after gaining a couple of pounds. Instead, as to be expected, I did everything I could to make her feel comfortable and practically apologized for my weight gain that was disguising as a pregnancy. “I know, it’s this awful shirt and I’ve gained weight! HAHAHAHA! It’s confusing!” I actually said “confusing” like I was deliberately wearing some sort of prosthetic belly designed to lure strangers into giving up their seats on the subway.
After that outburst, all I wanted to do was sit in our bedroom and listen to Sunny snore while downing glass after glass of wine with a cheddar cheese-block chaser. But hi ho to the gym I went! Two days in a row! I mean, how can you not after something like that, no matter how well-adjusted you are?
But lo, the momentum was lost today, and tonight’s trip required some heavy coaxing. So, um, so I actually whipped out the heavy artillery: a TiVo’d copy of Elektra that I’d saved just for this purpose. Am I the only one who is completely motivated by workout scenes in movies and/or athletic lead characters? I know I know I know, it’s abysmal and Jennifer Garner is simpering at best, but nothing says “Get thee to a gym!” louder than JG’s drum-tight ass in a gratuitously skintight red outfit as she battles the forces of evil. I have the same reaction to The Karate Kid and the Rocky series: suddenly I have this burning desire to hit the gym or, I don’t know, the wilds of Russia and train – TRAIN! I will beat Drago! Take that, Bridgette Nielsen! Pain does not exist in this dojo!
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, then EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!
God, this whole thing just gets more embarrassing doesn’t it? The hole just gets deeper and deeper, and yet: I continue to dig.
So, I went to the gym tonight and found myself alone – ALONE – with my other neighbor, M., who just a few weeks ago, wrapped up a two-month prison stint for beating the ever-loving shit out of her longtime partner, B., breaking both of her arms in a fit of rage and putting her in the hospital for more than three weeks.
I’d met her before, as I was friendly with her girlfriend, B. (our dogs were buds), but until that incident, had assumed her coldness was a sign of being shy and socially awkward, and not a symptom of being a complete and utter homicidal lunatic. Later, I would wonder if she was oddly jealous or concerned that B. and I were, I don’t know, more than friends? I DO NOT KNOW. All I knew was that she would hover around us like a dragonfly every time we got into a conversation. I now know of course that she is some sort of freakish controlling domestic abuser. I love it here.
The most awful, terrible part of the whole thing, besides being overweight, being told I was pregnant and making really awful Rocky references? M. has a kickass body and HOLY SHIT, the girl can lift weights, and for most of the workout, I was terrified of making a noise, lest she get angry and beat me to a bloody pulp, too (she did yell at me once for closing the blinds (!!) ). Because dude, she could totally kick my ass, and what’s worse is that B. had a killer body, too and I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that she didn’t just defend herself and crush M. like a fly, which means that M. has hidden depths. Or maybe she’s a ninja secretly working with The Hand that fights Elektra.
Either way, and in all seriousness, how horrible is that whole situation? I feel ill every time I think about it. Poor B. I hope she moved out for good.
And so, M. was added to the arsenal of motivation: Rocky, Elektra, and protecting myself from domestic-abusing lesbians who lurk at the gym and/or kicking their ass in divine retaliation. Along with a false pregnancy of course.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. Amy K | August 7th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
Jonna, empire waists make everyone look pregnant. Seriously.
2. Stinkypaw | August 7th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
It ‘s no urban legend, I ‘ve lived it too. And you know your post where you wrote that you couldn’t stop talking (Talk, Talks) out of shyness or embarassment? Well, the guy that asked me if I was pregnant then proceeded to say “are you sure?” quickly followed by “oh, just just gave birth not long ago?”, so no “Myth Busters” needed on this one!
Whatever motivates you – you go girl!
3. Jen | August 7th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Oh, good lord. I’ve so been in that moment. Except replace the lady and the fluffy dog with an older black woman working behind the counter at Starbucks. I was mortified. I attributed my looking pregnant to the gray t-shirt I was wearing at the time. Fast forward a few months, and I decided to wear the t-shirt again, only this time, it was my friend’s six-year-old daughter who asked when my baby was due. I chuckled and said something like, “Out of the mouths of babes …” while my friend turned three shades of red. Needless to say, I burned that gray t-shirt.
4. carol | August 8th, 2006 at 5:15 am
I agree – it was all the shirt – GET RID OF IT!!
Good for you for working out two days in a row!!! It will take awhile, but I SWEAR you WILL learn to actually like exercise.
5. christine | August 8th, 2006 at 5:54 am
Yipes. Burn the shirt. And then get in some kick ass physical shape, because that M. scares me.
6. Lawyerish | August 8th, 2006 at 6:13 am
Not too long ago, someone offered to give me their seat on the subway due to the oversized coat I was wearing; they definitely assumed I was sporting a bump under there. Gah!
And I agree with Amy K – empire waists do make everyone look pregnant.
“Confusing.” HAHAHAHAHA!
7. Dave | August 8th, 2006 at 6:14 am
You have such a interesting, colorful life. Those are appropriate euphemisms, no? I’d like to point out now that it was a woman who called you pregnant. Personally, I never make assumptions until the baby is actually crowning.
It’s a good thing blogs are written rather than told, or I’d probably relay this as a story about you being a pregnant lesbian who went to jail for wasting an emperor, but that’s probably just my ADD talking.
8. Jamie | August 8th, 2006 at 6:34 am
That’s no urban legend, Foofy Foo. It happened to me on the bus just last month — I defend my body issues with humor, though, so when someone offered me their seat (out of obvious pregnancy deference), I informed them that not ONLY was I not expecting, my bad posture and wayward abdominals were a result of my lack of motivation to hit the gym.
Yeah, because that’s hiLARious. I should have just put my hand lovingly on my gut, taken the damn seat and kept my big mouth shut.
9. GG | August 8th, 2006 at 7:00 am
GAH!!!! I TOTALLY KNOW THIS FEELING, thanks to goddamn Mrs. Emmick (former neighbor) who, at my fucking BRIDAL shower, asked me if we’d learned the sex of the baby yet or are we waiting to be surprised. FUCK YOU, Mrs. Emmick. Go back to your house with the lime green couch you have so lovingly encased in plastic. I hope your air conditioner breaks in the middle of August, bitch.
10. GG | August 8th, 2006 at 7:00 am
PS, um…where did all that rage come from? No clue. Sorry, Jonna.
11. Allison | August 8th, 2006 at 8:02 am
Ugh. I have done the same thing. I’ve had somebody ask me if I was pregnant and then I was the one that felt all awkward and uncomfortable and tried to make THEM feel better too. Why do we do that?
Your post has motivated me to go to the gym. I was going to lie on the couch and watch “Buffy” all day but now I guess I will go sweat a bit. THEN I was come home and watch “Buffy” for the rest of the day.
12. Beth | August 8th, 2006 at 8:50 am
My confirmation word is “Yeak” and I think that says it all.
Gah! You didn’t RUN FOR YOUR LIFE upon encountering M? And what the hell is she doing SHOWING HER FACE IN PUBLIC? EVER?
It’s a good thing you have an attack dog.
13. Jen W. | August 8th, 2006 at 9:08 am
I am so happy to find out that I am not the only one who watches tv/movies and then has an incredible urge to go do the physical activity showcased in the tv show/movie. I watched an entire season of “Alias” (goddamn Jennifer Garner and her incredible body) and then decided I was going to “get in shape” and “learn how to kickbox.” What resulted? Mostly my ass sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, except when I went to two kickboxing aerobic classes in one week and painfully pulled a muscle in my ribs. WTF?
14. Leah | August 8th, 2006 at 9:18 am
Before I got to the part about the fake pregnant belly, I thought I was going to be stuck on “cockermaltidoodlepoo” all day. So, um, I guess something good has come from your neighbor’s total lack of sense.
15. Dee | August 8th, 2006 at 9:28 am
Could you be a little more specific about the old navy top… err because I purchased a supercheap empire-waist tank top from Old Navy JUST THIS WEEKEND and well… I could easily be mistaken for pregnant so I should probably return huh?
16. Heather B. | August 8th, 2006 at 9:55 am
Someone once asked me that same question while I was getting my hair done. I had to resist the urge to haul off and smack the wench in the baby maker, because she was holding scissors. But she totally didn’t get a tip or a thank you. I was livid and embarrassed and did I mention that she was doing my hair and that one should be nice to the customer even if the customer is sporting a few extra tummy pounds??
17. Leigh | August 8th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Oh Sweetie. I think you need to get out of that place. Come try living in the SF Bay Area! You would never be alone in the gym with a psycho. There would be lots of other people in the gym with you and only a percentage of them would be psychos.
Also Beth is here.
I’m just saying.
And yes, my current favorite televised workout accompaniment (sp?) is So You Think You Can Dance. I set my bike up on my trainer and hammer; an hour goes by in no time.
And I don’t think that woman really thinks your pregnant. She’s just mad at the world for some reason and taking it out on you. But good for you for overcoming obstacles and getting your workouts in!!!
18. Martha | August 8th, 2006 at 10:11 am
It’s happened to me, too. About three months after I returned to work from my maternity leave, a Size Two coworker asked if I was pregnant. Dude — I’m six months postpartum and not quite back in fighting form yet. Grrr.
19. winterwheat | August 8th, 2006 at 11:17 am
Oh honey, don’t worry about it. Empire waist = maternity wear, even if there’s no bump. She was most likely going by the cut of your top, not the size of your belly!
Besides, ask yourself this: Would you rather be mistaken for a pregnant woman or a (nonpregnant) MAN? Because I’ve been mistaken for a man at least 4 times in my adult life. Once when I was pregnant. Wearing red lipstick. And I don’t have any facial hair.
It’s enough to give a person a complex, isn’t it?
20. -R- | August 8th, 2006 at 11:20 am
I kind of had the opposite situation. A woman I worked with kept gaining weight, and it wasn’t until they had a freaking baby shower for her at work that I realized she was pregnant. Oblivious = Me. I just thought she stopped working out or something.
I am scared of M from halfway across the country!
21. jes | August 8th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
I’m all over this – I look pregnant, with my ever-growing belly. Perhaps that is why I suddenly have decided I want kids. To be pregnant so I can MASK the fat that is already on my stomach. Perfect, don’t you think?
Also, watching Making the Band 3 totally makes me want to work out and, like, run 3 miles or something. Until I actually start doing it.
And then I’m all: “What in the world made me want to punish myself like this?!?”
22. claire | August 8th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
oh, i totally know what you mean about finding exercise inspiration thru movies. i thought it was pretty weird, too, but i see that im not alone now. burn the shirt and don’t give it a second thought.
that M & B situation is totally scary. peek in through the windows before going in next time… we don’t want anything to happen to you.
23. amyjami | August 8th, 2006 at 3:04 pm
totally had the “when are you due?” question before. followed by “really? you’re not? are you sure?” which was where i actually became rude.
she yelled at you for closing the blinds?????? i would have wet myself and run screaming like a little girl!!!
24. jonniker | August 8th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Amy: I know, but gak! STILL.
SP: Seriously, I had no idea that many people were THAT CLUELESS.
Jen: Oh god! OH GOD! That’s horrible! That lady seems like an absolute nuthut, seriously.
Carol: You know, I do like it, it’s finding the time. I’m a timesuck – where does it all go? I think I need to get up early to make it work, I really do.
Christine: She scares me too! OMG, she was so rude about the blinds, “DID YOU JUST SHUT THEM? JESUS. I OPENED THEM”
Ish: Gah, the ‘confusing’ part was so stupid of me, wasn’t it? Gak gak gak
Dave: I do agree that men are smarter about this sort of thing: mostly, I think, because they don’t care and/or notice if an acquaintance has gotten bigger. I swear the head of MY baby could be crowning and Adam wouldn’t notice!
Jamie: I totally understand the humor deflection.
GG: OMG! Your comment made me cackle out loud. It’s like you’re HERE.
Allison: Buffy would motivate me to work out, see? Have you considered that? All the high kicking and whatnot.
Beth: I totally didn’t realize it was her until I was already completely ON the treadmill. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.
Jen: YES! ANOTHER ONE WHO DOES IT! I thought I was insane. I’m the same way about crime shows – suddenly, watching Lily Rush, I have an overwhelming desire to wear a smart pantsuit and fight crime.
Leah: HAAA! I have no idea what it is, but I know that it is a designer dog of some sort. White and fluffy and SQUEAKY.
Dee: I looked for it on the site and can’t find it – it’s like the one that crosses over on the boobs, but without the crossing over. That makes no sense and is unhelpful. Gak. Sorry.
heather: That is HORRIBLE. A HAIRDRESSER ASKED YOU THAT? Oh my god. I’d kill Lennie.
Leigh: HA! You’re too sweet. Alas, my gym is free in my neighborhood (I live in a, gulp, gated community. Don’t stone me.), so there I go. What’s annoying is that J. is a really nice lady who totally was asking to be nice – it made it SO MUCH HARDER.
Maaaatha: Is the coworker still alive?
WW: I’ve had the man thing too! Though not while pregnant. Oh lord. you poor thing.
R: THAT is awesome. And, obtuse or not, it’s totally the way to play it.
Jes: I often consider that if I were pregnant, at least it would be tight, you know? Sick. Sick. I’m sick.
Claire: ANOTHER ONE! I’m thrilled to bits. THRILLED.
AJ: ARE YOU SURE? OH MY GOD. I’d kill them. KILL THEM. DEAD. THEY WOULD BE DEAD.
25. Bethany Coffey | August 8th, 2006 at 8:17 pm
OMG! Who are these people who do that? I have psoriasis and when it used to be really bad, I would have cashiers at the GORCERY store ask me “what was wrong with my skin” and recoil. I would NEVER do that. Ho’s all of them. People just are tacky and not raised right. I totally think that you hould have to pass a test to pro-create. Yeah i’m kinda a nazi that way…I mean that in a completely non anti-semetic kinda way of course.
26. Bethany Coffey | August 8th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
I hate working out. I mean I have an almost pathalogical aversion to it. It’s really bad. Yet I want to do it so badly. It’s really fucked up.
27. Dave | August 9th, 2006 at 9:18 am
I think it’s a fallacy that men never notice things. Our eyes just never make it that far south.
28. karate babes&hellip | July 27th, 2007 at 1:15 am
karate babes
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