Asleep
August 8th, 2006
Adam’s been in Boston for a bunch of days, and man, I can’t sleep when he’s not here. I never thought I’d be one of those wimpy people, but the painful fact of life is: I’ve never lived alone. Never! I’ve had roommates or siblings or parents sharing my home since I was born. Truthfully, if I were prone to regrets, I’d regret it quite a bit. I never had my own apartment where I could do my own decorating (I can’t even type that with a straight face. Decorating. We’d be lucky if I put the food in the refrigerator.) Oooh ooh, and I would eat whatever I want for dinner – things like fat free hot dogs, mashed potatoes and large piles of sauerkraut! And pickled brussels sprouts! OLIVES!
Alas, I never lived the dream. And while I am more than willing to sacrifice pickled cruciferous vegetables and brined fruit for the creature comforts of domesticity, sometimes I wonder if I’d actually lived alone, would I be more comfortable sleeping when Adam isn’t here? Because when he’s gone, I don’t sleep. There is at least one reader who can attest to receiving emails from me at an ungodly hour because I just couldn’t sleep. I laid awake until 3 a.m. listening to the sounds of the house creaking. I slept with the television on at a low volume and when some stupid commercial for bathroom cleaner let out a series of three beeps that were not dissimilar to the sound of our house alarm, I launched of bed and grabbed the hunter’s knife Adam keeps in his nightstand (?) and tumbled down the stairs screaming, “I HAVE A KNIFE, ASSHOLE.”
I mean, honestly, like, what was I going to do? Stab them? I can barely make it down the stairs without falling on my ass, and I was going to stab them with an unstable fold-out knife with a mother-of-pearl handle? I’m lucky I didn’t hurtle down the stairs and impale myself on the knife, leaving my body in a pool of blood for Adam to find when he gets home tomorrow. And I know when and if he reads this, I’m going to be in a lot of trouble for even attempting such a ridiculous stunt. I’m sure as hell not going to bring it up.
Anyway, this little outburst meant that there would not be any sleeping happening for the rest of the evening. I spent the rest of the night in that miserable quasi-dreamlike state where one moment I’d be sitting in my bed and the next minute I’d find myself brushing the mane of some random horse and the oddity of that moment would jolt me out of sleep and SHIT, I’d be up all over again. And then Sunny would start licking her crotch and I’d wonder “Is she puking?” and I’d have to jerk myself upright to check. Then Snapper would start meowing in my face because gee, if we’re all awake, why don’t we get up and get breakfast? Who cares how dark it is? IT IS ALWAYS TIME FOR BREAKFAST.
And then suddenly, it was 8 a.m. and I had to get up and as you can imagine, this was met with about as much enthusiasm as a tongue lashing from a rabid crocodile.
The day did not go well. I actually found myself drooling at 11:30 a.m. as I went through my e-mail, I dropped an entire mugful of tomato soup in my lap and while I was interviewing this nice gentleman today whose native language was not English, I misunderstood something he said and meant to ask him, “I’m sorry – did you say ‘strong?’” as I tried to build a quote, but instead I ended up *actually slurring* from what I can only imagine was exhaustion and so I asked him, “I’m sorry – did you say schlong?” And then I promptly died while trying to keep a straight face. The worst part was that he barely speaks English and so DID NOT GET IT, so I was left alone with the oddly hilarious bit of self-inflicted humiliation.
The good news is that right now I am so unfathomably tired that it will be a Christmas miracle if I don’t get a good night’s sleep tonight. There is a good chance I will be entirely comatose before midnight and wouldn’t even notice if a gang of burglars came in and stole the contents of our entire house. And Adam comes home tomorrow and let’s all praise freaking Jesus and the gods of sleep, mmkay?
*Smiths
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
24 Comments Add your own
1. Bethany Coffey | August 8th, 2006 at 8:10 pm
Ok, you are my sister. I swear. Number one my brothers name is Adam…not that that really means anything but whatever….and I lOVE saurkraut…hubby thinks it’s gross. Could be cause it gives me really bad gas. Don’t feel bad though. I’m the same way, I mean I have lived alone but now that i’m married, i miss Dane like crazy when he’s not there. I think that means you’re in love! By the way. I love how you title each post after a song. Very unique:)
2. Bethany Coffey | August 8th, 2006 at 8:12 pm
And you have the coolest (as do I of course) taste in music, the smiths, talk talk, tori!!! You rock lady.
3. allison | August 8th, 2006 at 9:22 pm
I always think that it’s going to be lots of fun when David is gone overnight. Then I end up having to take Tylenol Simply Sleep and running the dishwasher whether it needs to be run or not. Because the noise will disguise the sound of killers getting into my house. I would rather not know that I am about to be killed, apparently.
4. Stinkypaw | August 8th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
Hope you will have had a good night sleep by the time you’ll read this. I lived alone only a few years and it was awesome, but it’s not the same as falling asleep or waking up next to your man!
Good night, time for me to catch some zzzz’s!
5. -R- | August 8th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
SCHLONG? Oh, Jonniker, I think I have a (platonic) crush on you.
I lived on my own for three years, and yet, when H goes away, it is hard for me to sleep. Here is what works for me: lock the door of the bedroom. That tiny lock will keep out the murderers! Turn on the overhead fan to block out noise. Sleep with my cell phone next to me and 911 dialed, so all I have to do is hit “Talk.” Yes, I am a nerd. No, I did not do any of these things when I lived alone.
6. carol | August 9th, 2006 at 4:32 am
I owned my own house for two years. I was so scared one night that I ran to my car and up to a friend’s at about 2 in the morning! That was at the height of my fears. (There was a rapist running loose that summer, but STILL!!) I have gotten less nervous as I’ve aged. I think kids exhaust to the point of having to sleep to stay alive.
I soooo hope you slept last night! I know how hard it is.
7. jonniker | August 9th, 2006 at 5:39 am
BC: Thank you! Of COURSE you have excellent taste in music. And I’m laughing, because sauerkraut and brussels sprouts DESTROY my stomach and it’s the ensuing gas that makes them verboten in our house.
Allison: I tried the dishwasher! Then some dish in there started banging about and I thought it was someone rooting around, so I turned it off.
SP: I slept! Well, sort of. I got up at 3 a.m.to go to the bathroom and laid awake for a little while, but otherwise, I was blissfully out. Why is it that I find him there so soothing?
R: If I dialed 9-1-1, I’d accidentally hit ‘talk’ in my sleep and they’d be there within moments, shaking up my sleeping form. And yes, schlong. It was actually hilariously embarrassing, but he had NO IDEA and actually said, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question?” And so, I had to start all over again, trying to pick up the pieces from the embarrassment.
Carol:A rapist? I’d be done. DONE! I’d have hired armed guards.
8. christine | August 9th, 2006 at 5:42 am
I never lived completely alone either, but have been living with roommates since 18…However, the roommates were in and out and I frequently had the house to myself. (with no sleeping problems) And almost never did I share meals with the various and sundry roommates so, I ALWAYS ate what I wanted. Now with a boyfriend who might as well be a husband, I do things like call him before he gets out of work to ask: chicken cutlets or stirfry? Only to ignore his wishes and go with cutlets anyway.
So now that I’ve written you a book…I cannot sleep when I’m not with him either. Hell I was in Florida and sharing a bed with my mother and I couldn’t sleep well. Even if he’s out at night, I’ll try to take some Tylenol PM which won’t knock me out. I still won’t sleep, but at that point between meds and just being tired I cry. Absurd.
9. Jess | August 9th, 2006 at 6:19 am
Ok. My husband was recently out of town for four or five days, and since he does the cooking, you might ask what, exactly, did I eat during that time.
Close to entire package of fat free hotdogs. Which he won’t eat. And like, two bags of chips and a twelve pack of coke zero. It was absolute heaven.
I also have a hard time sleeping when he’s gone. But once I put myself into a healthy choice hotdog induced coma, I’m usually good.
10. Lawyerish | August 9th, 2006 at 6:28 am
The image of you brandishing the knife is going to keep me smiling all day. The second you mentioned it, I thought, “If that were me, I would fall down the stairs and impale myself on the knife.” I am glad I am not alone in this thought.
I lived alone for exactly one summer. It was kind of fun, especially the part about not having to keep food in the fridge (I think I lived on Diet Coke, frozen yogurt, and Baked Lays). But I did have trouble sleeping. Now, when my husband is away, I have to add things to my pre-bedtime checklist — like looking in all the closets and kitchen cabinets to make sure no one is waiting in there until I go to bed, when they’ll leap out and kill me — and it takes me longer to get to sleep. At least I have the dog with me in bed, though. Not that he’d be much help against a burglar, but it’s comforting not to be totally alone.
11. GG | August 9th, 2006 at 6:55 am
I lived alone for 8 years, and during that time had to quit watching scary movies (due to the unfortunate night after I’d watched Kiss the Girls, which involved lots of late-night terror and culminated in me sleeping with a golf club in my bed. What the hell was I going to do? Feebly waive a golf club around? Great). This is perhaps very very wrong of me to feel (let alone say), but I have a harder time sleeping without my cats in the bed with me than I do without Wilman. I am a bad little wifey.
12. Claire | August 9th, 2006 at 7:04 am
looks like you’re on a Smiths kick this week. : )
not being able to sleep is such an awful, lonely feeling. I never thought i would have trouble sleeping without a snoring person next to me, but i did when my boyfriend was away, too. It never occured to me that it would be any different. And it totally sucks.
my best advice is curling up with a sleepy puppy and making her protect you when the creeps break in.
13. jonniker | August 9th, 2006 at 7:24 am
christine: I always ate what I wanted, too, for the most part. But kimchee and pickled sprouts were a little rude, as they smelled pretty rank. And there’s that whole sharing of the fridge thing. Oh, and Tylenol PM *always* makes me so hopelessly groggy the next day. Dunno why – it’s the same as Benadryl, which doesn’t, but the addition of Tylenol? Forget it.
Jess: FFHDs and Coke Zero! Yes! YES!
Ish: Sunny’s not at the stage where she can sleep with us, yet. She gets too excited and can’t sleep and instead chooses to suck on my earlobe. And so, to the crate she goes.
GG: Cats! Yes! The thing is, Snap doesn’t sleep with me when Adam’s not here – he sits downstairs and guards the front door, and I’m totally serious. Btw, your comments lately are just flat-out cracking me up. The feeble waving of the golf club? Plastic-covered couches?
Claire: If only the puppy would get sleepy. She’s like an infant in that she cannot sleep unless she’s in her bed. Anywhere else and she just thinks it’s time to P L A Y ! ! ! Earlobes must be sucked! Feet nibbled! BEDDING TO EAT.
14. Gypsy | August 9th, 2006 at 7:27 am
A couple of years ago my long-time boyfriend and I took a break (“We were on a break!”). During that time we lived apart, the first time in my life I’ve ever lived alone. We’re now back together and living together again, but we’ve both gotten so used to sleeping alone that sharing a bed has been a struggle.
But even with all that, I can’t sleep if he’s not in the house. Not in the bed is ok, but when he’s away I can’t sleep at all. And the dogs are just sure he’s coming home any second, so they bark at any noise like, “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” No matter how many times I tell them he’s not coming home for days, DAYS I SAY! They don’t get it.
15. Beth | August 9th, 2006 at 9:10 am
He could just keep the phone on his nightstand, as the police then come with weapons of their own…..
unless you live in Oakland, where the police never, ever come.
I hate, hate, hate days when I haven’t slept. They’re horrible.
16. Jen W. | August 9th, 2006 at 10:18 am
I’ve lived alone a few times in life and have also banned scary movies. My imagination is waaaay too active for those things. I used to lock my bedroom door too when I was by myself, and would surround myself with heavy objects to hit intruders at night, like a Maglite flashlight (which I highly recommend, those things weigh like 30 pounds and could smash a skull in), and strangely, my curling iron. Now that I’ve been with Mark, I worry a little less about killers coming in the house. When I’m gone, I have absolutely no trouble sleeping, luckily. Not sleeping has NEVER been a problem for me.
17. JayAre | August 9th, 2006 at 10:50 am
I’m de-lurking to say that, like several other said, I lived alone for several years before getting married and I still have trouble sleeping when Mark is gone. You just get used to having them there. Plus, I sleepwalk, which has always creeped me out, but is less creepy when Mark is here to come get me and take me back to bed. While he was gone last week I must have done some running around though ’cause I woke up one day with some NASTY big bruises on my legs. Then I couldn’t sleep the next night because I was too scared of what I might be doing in my sleep. LOL I don’t waorry too much about someone breaking in, they’d probably leave out of fear of the crazy girl running in circles banging into furniture (apparently).
18. Yez | August 9th, 2006 at 11:50 am
I get scared when Jef IS home :> No no, not scared of Jef! But the other night as we sat here mesmerized by the ‘net, BANG! the heavy old box fan in the doorway fell over (the work of one of our cats) and I jumped OUT OF MY SKIN: a gunshot! (It didn’t help that we’d just watched “Pulp Fiction”.)
Jef allowed as how I could cut down on my caffeine intake. You can imagine how graciously I took this suggestion :-J but eventually I conceded that he had a point. (Am cutting down, but slowly – not gonna go the caffeine-deprivation headache route.)
19. jes | August 9th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
The vision of you creeping down the stairs screaming, “I HAVE A KNIFE, ASSHOLE!” sent me into such fits of hysteria that I had to temporarily minimize the window.
*Back to reading now.*
20. jes | August 9th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
Schlong.
*Minimizing screen again*
Bwaahahahahahahahahaaaa!
21. jonniker | August 9th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
JayAre; The body! It’s the body sleeping there, I’m convinced. And I’m happy to see you
But sleepwalking? Totally freaky.
Yez: I’m the same way. Jumpy! JUMPY! Like, who could possibly be SHOOTING AT US in our suburban homes?
Jes: Glad I could return the favor and amuse *you* for once :->
22. Meg | August 10th, 2006 at 1:48 pm
Dude, I totally did the knife thing and fell up the stairs. Fortunately, I just stabbed the carpet.
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