Round & Around
August 20th, 2006
I’d love to write a scintillating recap of my weekend with my family – which was glorious, by the way, and full of fun meals, playing Boggle with my mom and tripping over (and taking out) a giant stack of Maeve Binchys at a used bookstore while my mother laughed so hard I thought I’d killed her – HOWEVER, I am forced to address more pressing issues, such as the fact that the friendly folks at US Airways lost my bag. The bag I only checked because I wanted to bring liquid hair product across state lines. Yet another way that terrorists are giving it to us right up the pooper.
Now, I realize that LOTS AND LOTS of people lose their bags, and I guarantee that all of you have lost your bag at least once and I am being a whiny little pain in the ass about this, but I’m still irked. I know I have no right to be, given that there wasn’t anything more valuable in there other than an outlet-procured Donna Karen skirt and an alarming number of Threadless t-shirts and so whatever.
What’s unfortunate is that this means that you won’t get to see any of the pictures I took over the weekend of exciting Pennsylvania-like things such cows, goats and barn cats (yet. YET!), because the downloading thingamabob is in my luggage which is….well, we don’t know where it is, do we? And you probably don’t care. But would it intrigue you more to know that one of those cows was named after me? ME?
Me neither.
God, it was only three days, but it felt so long, and after I came home, I skipped so happily happily happily! into the house to see everyone and oh look, my husband! How I love you! Sunny! Snapper! The love, it was overwhelming! And then I was immediately assaulted with something more overwhelming than my love. Something very…potent. And familiar. And very, very expensive. Something that I could only describe as smelling like “me.” Shit. It smelled like fucking Quelques Fleurs Royale.
According to Adam, the entire bottle broke on the kitchen floor* after the cat knocked it over and seriously? I might throw up. Not just because it is nauseatingly expensive (though I bought mine on eBay, so please don’t stone me when you see the price PLEASE), but because while at first sniff our home smells like like a garden-fresh vanilla grapefruit grove, an entire bottle is…well, it’s sickening, and it’s everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. I’m lying in bed right now and the powerful wafts are wafting right up to my miserable little nose. Nowhere is safe. It’s so overwhelmingly potent – like living downwind of Donatella Versace -and it’s highly unlikely that I will ever buy another bottle or ever ever wear it again. The end.
Oh and separately, yet related, I was behind a young kid in security this morning at the Philadelphia airport, and after going through the x-ray machine, we were both stopped for a random bag search. Well, mine was random, but his was not so much “random” as it was “completely deliberate, you fucking clueless moron” because he had four tubes of Crest toothpaste and – I shit you not – 10 bottles of Axe shower gel and two bottles of body spray in his backpack. The backpack he planned to carry on the plane. Where has this young man been living? A cave where they serve up bad bath products and send you on your merry way? Axe? AXE. And four tubes of toothpaste. Because Axe will turn his pimply little ass into Nick Lachey, and he needs to be prepared.
Until tomorrow when, baggage Gods willing, I shall bring you very (VERY!) exciting pictures of cows and emus and chickens, oh my! Did you know emus’ claws have the power to eviscerate us? Yummy.
*I took it out of my luggage at the last minute. Hence, why the perfume was in the kitchen. No, we do not usually keep it there.
**Alana Davis
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
16 Comments Add your own
1. Robin | August 20th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
Of all the bottles to have break on the kitchen floor…my sincere sympathies
2. Heather B. | August 20th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
Never fear! I am here!
Oh, wait, that wasn’t it, but! Threadless is having a sale! And of course the sale will be over tomorrow and of course when I got the email about the sale, I put it off and now all the shirts I want are gone, but still! A sale! Whooo!
3. Orange Peacock | August 20th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
My condolences about the perfume and the sucky bag situation, but you have my undying adoration for the Alana title. Hooray!
4. Lawyerish | August 20th, 2006 at 7:46 pm
I, for one, am relieved you’re back, if only so we can all see pictures of and hear about your trip. Emus? COME ON.
5. Kristin | August 20th, 2006 at 8:14 pm
I think the ‘fucking’ in front of quelques fleurs royales gives the whole perfume name a certain…je ne sais quois.
(sorry about your bags. it makes for a good story though!)
6. GG | August 20th, 2006 at 8:35 pm
DUDE – you have a COW named after you? That couldn’t be awesomer. A COW. Rock on. I love cows so much, you would think I’d stop eating steak and hamburgers and shepherd’s pie and did I mention steak? Ooh, chicken fried steak! Mmm. But I digress. You have a cow named after you! Yippee!
I am unsurprised to learn that your bag was lost after once being in Philadelphia. Those fuckers there have lost mine several times. Blah.
So…people actually USE Axe shower gel? I find that more frightening than terrorists who know how to make bombs out of liquid. (Although I still believe that skill should be reserved for Macgyver and Macgyver alone.)
7. Yez | August 20th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
I know, I know, I can only say that because I am the sufficient number of states away from Perfume Zero not to be able to smell it, but–
AWWWWWW! Cappy missed you, dude, and headbutted your scent. Not His Fault that the bottle obeyed the laws of physics :-}
8. Yez | August 20th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
{{whimper}} I really can close HTML tags. No really. This time I remembered the stroke! And forgot the i.
Time for more wine.
9. Gypsy | August 21st, 2006 at 6:34 am
US Air once caused me to miss my connecting flight home, thus I had to stay over in Charlotte. No biggie. Whatever. They paid for it. But when I got to town the next day they had lost my luggage, too, so I had to show up in my hometown looking like a hobo. AND I had to go to a basketball game at the local university with my dad who just happens to know every single person in the entire town and who just had to stop and talk to people who must have thought, “Boy, she’s really gone downhill, hasn’t she?”
Ugh.
I hope you recover your luggage soon. Preferably after the stink has left the building.
10. Claire | August 21st, 2006 at 7:41 am
Oh, Jonniker. That sucks all over the place.
Its bad enough you lost your bags, but to have such an expensive bottle of perfume broken, that totally sucks… though the description of it sounds like it smells nice.. hmm… will have to check that out.
But the baggage thing – i consider myself so fortunate to have never had my bags lost. Hopefully the travel / baggage gods will look kindly upon you.
11. Christine | August 21st, 2006 at 8:20 am
So sorry about the bags and the perfume.
I always get stopped at random searches. Probably because I am usually flying solo and it’s easier to search my smallish bag than someone else’s when that someone has all their umpteen relatives in tow.
12. Tartine | August 21st, 2006 at 11:25 am
The guy with 10 bottles of Axe shower gel and four tubes of toothpaste? Scary. He was no doubt going to try to blow up the plane with that shit. I’m glad airport security was doing their job.
So sorry about your bottle of perfume and your lost bag. My husband’s bag was lost once, and it sucked. Thankfully, it was returned a few days later.
13. jonniker | August 21st, 2006 at 11:37 am
Robin: Oh, do you know the pain.
Heather: I’d already made a Threadless order and snagged a couple for $10. Speaking of, I wonder where they are?
OP: Whatever happened to Alana? We lost touch after that album.
Ish: And now you’re leaving. I weep.
Kristin: Bookending it with ‘shit’ and ‘fucking’ really makes it sound delish, doesn’t it?
Yez: Snap is the most clumsy cat ever. I don’t doubt your hypothesis for a moment!
GG: I love cows, too. You will then, love the cowie pictures. And yeah, um, I still eat meat.
Gypsy: The luggage has already been returned. Hail luggage people!
Claire: It’s a gorgeous, gorgeous scent. I’d send you some, but…well, you know the story.
Christine: I’m *always* searched, too! But I think it’s the totally dumb look about me.
Tartine: I think he was a college kid who’d just been stocked up by mom. A rather stupid college kid, I daresay.
14. Orange Peacock | August 21st, 2006 at 12:43 pm
About Alana – she released two more after “Blame it On Me.” “Fortune Cookies” (I have a soft spot for this one, even if the critics hated it) and “Surrender Dorothy” (which was released on her own label, Tigress). The last time she was on tour was early spring, so I’m hoping that means she’s got something else in the works…
15. Tartine | August 21st, 2006 at 2:17 pm
And I totally should have put a smiley face after that last comment so as to convey that I was attempting to be humorous instead of coming off as Paranoid and Crazy.
16. jonniker | August 21st, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Tartine: Humor totally conveyed, do not worry. I did NOT think you were paranoid OR crazy, I promise.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed