The Back of Your Car
August 24th, 2006
I’m pretty sure when the world ends, I will be hiding under a mattress clutching Adam, crying and screaming my fool head off while I wait for the aliens to come and pick the flesh off of my bones (Can you tell I saw ‘War of the Worlds?’ And that it was Not Good. Not Good At All?). I think it is safe to say that I will not be in the back of a carwith some random wannabe rock star – of that much I am sure. Do I wish that’s what I could be doing? Today, the answer is hell oddly yes.
I am prone to celebrity crushes. Ever since the days of Teen Beat, when I plastered ripped-out photos of Jason Bateman and Ralph Macchio all over my wall, I have had a crush on at least one celebrity, and in particular, I have had a thing for rock stars. I went to college in the days of Dave Matthews, and spent an inordinate amount of time listening to “Crash” over and over and over on repeat thinking, “But I wear nothing so well too! And dude, you can look up my skirt anytime.”
And now, my rockstar lust has oozed into the world of reality TV: I have a crush on Ryan Star of Rockstar Supernova, and I am not ashamed! I don’t care who knows it!
Except, I am not rockstar girlfriend material. I have small boobs. I’m nerdy. I sometimes wear glasses and have a penchant for dairy farms and I’m kind of into fidelity and also? I get embarrassed when people sing live, and it’s why I hate concerts and musicals. Something about the passionate eye-closing and singing and everything and oh, I get hives just thinking about it, because I imagine that it’s me and then I feel faint. Which is why I married the antithesis of a rockstar, and although once, long, long ago, he had a burgeoning rap career, he is decidedly un-rockstaresque. (Please for the love of all that is holy, do not ask, but I will only say this: there was a time, once when we were in Stop n’ Shop, where someone screamed, “MC STORM!” and Adam turned around and waved, because yes, they were talking to him. There. Enough.) And so, I will content myself with the fantasy of a rockstar, happy with my warm dreams of a much-younger man in my bed, yet even happier with the technology geek I ended up marrying.
But seriously, um, I bought Ryan Star’s album on iTunes. And I listened to it all the livelong day. And it was good. And I still want to have sex with him, except not really, because, well, you know. Unless of course, the world is ending, in which case I will try to crawl out from my mattress to find his car! I will try!
*For those of you who do not watch the show (and I think that is most of you), he, um, sang an original song about having sex in the back of a car while the world is ending, and everyone else is totally in church. And I am pretty much so. freaking. there.
And now for a series of completely ridiculous non-sequiturs:
Today I was talking to someone who was hard of hearing – or so I hope – for when I asked him, “How is that volunteer project going?” He answered, completely earnestly, “Yes! We do have a lot of ducks in the lake! How did you know?”
And tonight while out at dinner, we met a couple from Massachusetts – Canton, to be exact – and I announced that “Our wedding is there in three weeks!” But of course, it is not OUR wedding, it is our friends’ wedding, and while we are going to it, we aren’t getting married. Except I didn’t realize that’s what I’d said and I spent a good ten minutes deflecting their squeals of “Oh my GOD! CONGRATULATIONS!” and trying to figure out why they were so excited that we’re going to a wedding. And then when they asked me where the wedding was, of course I had no idea, and the woman promptly asked, “How is that possible?” which left me more confused and then finally, they just walked away with a rather disgusted air about them.
And lastly, Sunny has acne. It’s my fault for using plastic dishes, I know, but she’s a teenager! With acne! And um, it’s taking every inch of me not to pop her zits for her. I know, I’m gross, but I CANNOT LET A PIMPLE LIE THERE. I can’t. It’s why I walk around with a scabby face shortly after a zit, and it’s also why every boyfriend I’ve ever had has been terrified of me picking at them like some sort of OCD monkey. If there is a whitehead in the room, I need to eradicate it, immediately, and I do not care whose face it’s on. I will pop that shit, if given the chance. Blackheads too. Sick. I’m sick.
And now, I’m projecting such horrific acts onto my dog. And also fucking rockstars and getting married. It’s been an exciting week.
*Dude. Ryan Star. Leave me alone. I know.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Jen | August 24th, 2006 at 10:40 pm
Wow. I thought I was the only one who found that song extremely, um, titillating. Well, I guess we’ll have to fight for him come the end of the world.
2. Gentry | August 25th, 2006 at 1:16 am
Huh? A pug with acne? How is that possible? You’re making that up. Just like your fake wedding in 3 weeks.
3. -R- | August 25th, 2006 at 5:45 am
Thank you for explaining. I was thinking maybe that was how War of the Worlds ends, and I was very confused. I cannot judge you because I have more than my fair share od celebrity crushes. And I have just discovered a new crush: MC Storm!
4. Christine | August 25th, 2006 at 5:50 am
My sister is of the pimple picking crowd. We could be sitting watching TV…or so I think til she has me in a death grip to squeeze the hell out of my face. I stick to squeezing my own. Thank you.
Also: My friend drunkenly made out with her Dave Matthews POSTER in college while proclaiming her love. She loved his ‘sexy lips and soulful eyes and his hot voice.’ And then I may have fallen out of her roommate’s bed–also drunk–with the hilarity of it all. Which I may have found to be so much fun, that I decided to roll out of the bed three more times. Or until I decided to call my more sober friend to supervise the make-out bandit while I threw up. Ahh college. GAG Majorska.
5. Claire | August 25th, 2006 at 6:13 am
OH, I KNOW.
He is a total hotty, and you know that he would be sensitive about that whole “end of the world” thing, you know? You can just see it. You can see it in his eyes… his dark, penetrating, beautiful eyes…. oh, sorry. Got a little carried away with myself there.
I think ceramic bowls are supposed to prevent the acne thing. Poor Sunny, going through the changes.
6. Beth | August 25th, 2006 at 8:10 am
On Daily Candy a few weeks back, they had this solution that you could put on zits instead of popping them.
I read it, and then read it again, and realized that I don’t know that I could give up the popping, and what’s more, why would I want to? Why?
And then I went to examine my pores.
7. jonniker | August 25th, 2006 at 8:12 am
Jen: Uh, yes. And the original? More provocative than that. I mean, the concept isn’t new (see Dave Matthews’ When the World Ends and likely many others.)
Gentry: I swear! It was from the plastic bowls – they held bacteria, and now she has zits. Sigh.
R: OMG he would die. He’ll kill me for this, I know it.
Christine: I can’t stop laughing at the Dave Matthews poster image. So, in college, some girl in a neighboring sorority (not mine), was rumored to have gone out on a date with Dave Matthews and her name, for four years, was preceded with, “You know Anne – the one who went out on a date with Dave Matthews.” And we all hated her.
Claire: SIGH. SIGH. SIGH. He’s HOT.
Beth: I examine my pores a little too much. Well, um, a LOT.
8. jes | August 25th, 2006 at 10:20 am
wait a sec. your dog has a zit? what? how? i am baffled by this possibility.
9. Blythe | August 25th, 2006 at 1:05 pm
Wait until you start having dreams about Ryan Star and his teenage complexion. (was that a little too much?)
10. Yez | August 25th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
No Eye Deer on Rockstar Supernova. But I had a dream last night that I met Joni Mitchell
{{cough}} Canton?
and
Obviously what Sunny has is not chin acne.
11. Suebob | August 25th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
When I was way too old for it, I used to lust after Jason Bateman. I am prone to crushes too. Not so much lately, though I could probably find some room in my schedule for Adrian Brody.
I dated someone who had been a DJ and was hard of hearing because of it. He, too, would ALWAYS choose the most ridiculous option for what he “heard” – for instance, we could be in the middle of a conversation about buying a new bike and I would ask “What are you going to do?” and he would say “Did I put something green in the stew?” as if I was prone to asking him random insane questions. Sigh.
Zit picking. My own, like mad. Other peoples’? No, that’s just evilish.
12. jonniker | August 25th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Jes: Yeppers. On the bottom of her barely-there chinny chin chin.
Blythe: MY GOD. HA.
Yez: Canton, indeedy. We haven’t made our ressies yet, but I’ve been instructed to avoid making plans as His Highness has Things He Wants to Accomplish. I do not know what Those Things are. Sigh.
Suebob: HA. I can’t figure out where he got the idea for ducks vs. a volunteer project, but there he was! Also: zits. I know it’s awful. I KNOW. But I must get rid of them! No poppable zits must be near me! It’s gross. I know it’s gross.
13. Yez | August 25th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
{{bows}} in deference to His Highness, who must be distraught at the task of winnowing out the multitude of critical events needing his attention in Greater Canton!
Also: actually have notch in belt from tryst (’70s) with ’60s rock star. He & his band toured with the Beach Boys – can you dig it – and I have his band’s original platter :> Ambivalent feelings because he’s gay and was out at the time X-D And it didn’t happen in the back seat of a car but in his room. In his room in his parents’ house…. :-J
14. jodi | August 25th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Oh yeah. You KNOW I’m watching this show. My faves? Dilana (kicks ass, but has a bit of an attitude problem), Magni (so cool – he’s from ICEland after all…hee), and Ryan “The Darkhorse” Star.
As I bet you can guess, I’ve always had a thing for musicians. Sigh. Lately, I’ve regressed back to 1982 and can only listen to the band Split Enz. Anyone here old enough to remember them?! Founder Tim Finn is my latest obsession. He’s now 54, gray, married with two kids, but hot hot HOT. What up with that?
15. Beth | August 26th, 2006 at 12:35 am
On your inability to let pimples like there: You should let sleeping pimples lie, and not try to teach old ones new tricks. Or something. I spent a good twenty minutes examining my pores today. Jealous? ;^) And your childhood celebrity crushes say a lot about you. (What that is…I don’t know.) I had a Shaun Cassidy poster on my wall. Mostly that says I’m getting old, I think. ;^)
16. Stinkypaw | August 26th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Ryan’s eyes… yuuuummmmm! I also have a strong thing for rockers, and like you I married a “real geek”, but I love that dude!
BTW, you could very well be a rockstar girlfriend despite your small boobs, if you’re willing they’ll do you!
My cat also had some zits that I had a REALLY hard time to leave alone, but after the cat bit me a few times, I sort of let it go… but it bugged me!
Wondered what that guy “heard” to give you an answer like that!
BTW, would you only fuck a rock star in the back seat of a car IF the world was coming to an end? Just curious here!
17. winterwheat | August 27th, 2006 at 11:22 am
I’m a picker too. *looks down ashamed, kicks at a stone*
Know what’s worse than picking your dog’s acne? Picking your infant daughter’s tiny whiteheads that she got from YOUR stinking adult hormones passing through YOUR breast milk. She had these tiny white comedones that sat there upon her ultra-smooth skin like golf balls on a putting green. Right on the surface, no need for digging. How could I stop myself? Was it so wrong to squeeze just a few? She didn’t even cry! I thought I could keep it a secret but DH found out anyway, because it turns out baby skin is really sensitive and turns red if you so much as flick it with a fingernail. Fortunately they disappeared by the time she was a few months old. Now I’m back to picking my own face. *rolls eyes*
18. amyjami | August 28th, 2006 at 11:27 am
my children run in fear when i bring out “the pimple popper” because i will pin their asses down and take out any offending blackhead i can detect on their faces or in their ears.
tell me you don’t cringe when you see “that person” with a blackhead the size of rhode island in their ear!!!
it’s sick. i’m sure they hate me, but…………..they’re relatively blackhead free dammit!!!!
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